This is just me venting - please don't bother reading.....

1. I hate that I feel the need to vent like this
2. I Hate that I'm bring MS down with my sh*t
3. I hate that I was an expect at giving head at 4 or 6 years old
4. I hate that I don't know exactly how old I was whenit started
5. I hate that my brothers used me as a sex toy
6. I hate that all my teddy bears had vaginas or arseholes and I was taught to f*ck them
7. I hate that my middle brother and his friend thought it was ok to 'include' me in their sex games
8. I hate that they tried to have anal sex with me
9. I hate that they couldn't get their d*cks in
10. I hate that I was sad when they couldn't
11. I hate that it was normal
12. I hate that my parents said it was just boys being boys
13. I hate that I believed them
14. I hate that I'm getting aroused typing this
15. I hate myself
16. I hate that at 10 my best friend wanted to play doctor and that he liked what he found when he pulled down my pants
17. I hate what that turned into for years after that
18. I hate that it feels like my fault even though he was older
19. I hate that I liked it
20. I hate that when I told my brother what my friend was doing he said it was ok and I should keep doing it with him
21. I hate that I wasn't beaten
22. I hate that I wanted to be beaten
23. I hate that I don't hate my brothers
24. I hate that I don't blame them
25. I hate that I blame myself...sometimes
26. I hate that I like being the victim
27. I hate that I want to tell everyone what happened to me so they will feel sorry for me
28. I hate that I hate that I can't get an erection when I want to
29. I hate that I get them when I'm sleeping
30. I HATE that I get them when wrestling my 6 yer old son
31. I hate that I feel like a phedophile
32. I hate that I was sad when they stopped abusing me
33. I hate that I went out looking for other men to abuse me
34. I hate that I found them
35. I hate that I liked it
36. I hate that men found/find me attractive
37. I hate that even though I purposely put on weight and 'let myself go' they still find me attractive
38. I hate that I wish I had a 6 pack again
39. I hate that my own reflection turns me on
40. I hate that men turn me on
41. I hate that I'm not a better Christian
42. I hate that I'm still trying to stop acting out in my own strength
43. I hate that it feels like God let it happen
44. I hate that porn makes it all feel better...for a while
45. I hate that sometimes I MB 4 tiems a day
46. I hate that I have no self control
47. I hate that I believe in God
48. I hate that I know he loves me
49. I hate that I feel like I've let him down
50. I hate that I'm thinking this stuff
51. I hate that people rely on my
52. I hate that I have fooled people into thinking I'm a nice guy
53. I hate that I can't drop my bundle
54. I hate getting up at 5am every morning
55. I hate not getting any days off (hardly any)
56. I hate that I hate myself so much
57. I hate that I want to cut myself sometimes
58. I hate that I want to do worse sometimes
59. I hate that I have people who love me
60. I hate that I'm not more grateful for the people that love me
61. I hate that I feel stupid
62. I hate that I feel people just tolerate me
63. I hate that I'm not one of the guys
64. I hate that I suck at sports
65. I hate that noone ever played ball with me
66. I hate that I haven't played ball with my kids very much
67. I hate that it feels like my wife doesn't desire me
68. I hate that I don't always make her feel desired
69. I hate that our sex life isn't great
70. I hate that I've let her down
71. I hate that I'm a broken man
72. I hate that I've been unfaithful
73. I hate that I didn't realise that until it was too late
74. I hate that it felt like it was ok because it is just what boys do
75. I hate that I have to tell her
76. I hate that it will break her heart
77. I hate that I'm trying to make it to 100
78. I hate that she will probably hate me too
79. I hate that I love her so much
80. I hate that I've hurt her
81. I hate that I'm crying now
82. I hate that I'm suck a whimp
83. I hate that I hate my reflection
84. I hate what I look like
85. I hate that I look like them
86. I hate that I'm getting older
87. I hate that I've wasted my life with this sh*t
88. I hate that my abuse wasn't worse - so I would feel more justified being so screwed up
89. I hate that I feel I deserved to be punished
90. I hate that I went through puberty early
91. I hate that the doctor liked to look at it and touch it
92. I hate that she got my mother to come and look too
93. I hate that my dad didn't like me
94. I hate that my mum used me as an emotional crutch
95. I hate that they wanted a girl
96. I hate that they treated me like a girl
97. I hate that my name can be either a boy or a girl name
98. I hate that I still feel like a little kid on the inside
99. I hate that I don't know who I am
100. I hate that I change who I am depending on who I'm around
101. I hate that I went past 100
102. I hate that I even change the way I think
103. I hate that I am so confused
104. I hate that I I'm so weak willed
105. I hate that I'm a real cameleon - the way I look the way I talk
106. I hate that I care what other people think of me
107. I hate that I don't care enough what my wife thinks of me
108. I hate That I don't care what God thinks of me
109. I hate that I'm so angry
110. I hate that I'm so tired
111. I hate that I can't sleep
112. I hate that you wasted your time reading this
113. I hate that I am still going to press Submit
114. I hate that I need medication to function
115. I hate that I forgot what I was about to type

Sorry!

116. I hate that far too many people know what its like to know 1-115.

Cee

Lee,

I'm in for the full count. Its all so painful and true. And there's no way out but through it.

Jude

Thanks guys...but wait there is more....

117. I hate that it took me a couple of hours to remember what I forgot
118. I hate that I didn't get that eyebrow ring when I was younger
119. I hate that I didn't get those tattoos - so people would know to stay away from me
120. I hate that deep down I knew what they did to me was wrong - but I still liked the attention
121. I hate that I kidded myself into thinking that it was ok to 'play' with men while I was married. It is what boys do...
122. I hate that I didn't delete all this
123. i hate that I have let down you guys at MS by bringing this sh*t here.

124. I hate that when i kiss my wife sometimes I get the sensation of a c*ck in my mouth
125. I hate that I learned to stick my willy in anything it would fit in or if not make a hole for it to fit in
126. I hate that that included animals
127. I hate that I learned to stick anything up my arse that would fit.....
128. I hate that I just said how perverted I had become.
129. I hate that I looked like my avatar when the abuse started (but with blonde hair) - so innocent
130. I hate that it freaks me out when my wife touches me there
131. I hate that it freaks me out if a man touches anywhere (if I'm not ready)

I'm sorry you had to read that.

*

Thanks Gary

11 I like that you made me tear up!!

Sorry but I feel like I need to finish the list.
132. I hate that I am addicted to gay porn
133. I hate that there are pornographic images of me on the net
134. I hate that someone I know may have seen them
135. I hate that I still let my brother put me down and make me feel inferior (even though I am now taller, better looking, better built, more successful, happier and have a bigger one)
136. I hate that even if I did decide I was gay I feel like I'm too old to be gay now
137. I hate that I feel like this and have to pretend that everything is ok.
138. I hate that I feel like my friends wouldn't like me anymore if they knew what I was really like
139. I hate that I've seen so many penises
140. I hate that I wasn't clever enough to write this in iambic pentameter and post it in the poetry section.

141. I hate when seeing so powerful negative self image built in you thanks to abuse Lee - it is similar for all of us survivors


Hang on man, keep venting!
Pero

142. I hate that I was addicted to pain killers at 14
143. I hate that I faked Appendicitis at 10 to get attention
144. I hate that I've had dreams about my kids giving me head (more like nightmares)
145. I hate that I don't know how to love without it being sexual


the end


I promise!

I hate ends

Lol!!

Lee -

My favorite is:



- because it shows you still have a sense of humour.
and that shows that there is still hope.

this whole thread made me cry uncontrollably - and laugh as well.
and also had me nodding understandingly far too many times.
i cried for you,
i cried for me,
i cried for every other person who reads this list and can agree with even part of it.

i hated to read it
but i'm glad you wrote it.

and don't worry about not being able to do iambic pentameter.
it's out of style now anyway.
this is the age of free verse.
and this vent/rant/catalogue of woes definitely qualifies for that.

Lee

What I Like About You-The Romantics

Thanks Jude

That made me smile too.
I might start tothing about what I like about me now....

Thanks Traveler Lee
You always know the right thing to say. I'm sorry it made you cry. I'm sorry that I'm not the only one that feels like this sometimes.

One more...
I hate CSA and what it does to innocent kids like us!

Hey,
I hate false promises - Lee you said already that is end (which I hated even more)

PS. It seems like there are many hates because of erection in wrong time and at wrong place - those are classical problems of every man - I hate that fact too

The four immeasurables are found in one brief and beautiful prayer:

May all sentient beings have happiness and its causes,
May all sentient beings be free of suffering and its causes,
May all sentient beings never be separated from bliss without suffering,
May all sentient beings be in equanimity, free of bias, attachment and anger.

Ok, you have me in tears now.

I like that you had the courage to write all if that, even though I hate that you can.

I hate that I can't say something beautiful and poetic or even just funny, that would make you feel better...

I nodded to over half of this list. Takes honesty and courage to write it all out the way you did. Thank you for sharing.

146. I hate that no matter how many times I brush my teeth my mouth still feels dirty
147. I hate that no matter now long I shower for or how hard I scrub I still feel dirty
148. I hate that I'm adding more to the list and hope noone will notice
149. I hate that I hate that I think I'm gay sometimes
150. I hate that I lie so much I even believe my own lies
151. I hate that I'm just like my dad that way
152. I hate that most of the time I can't cry
153. I hate when I do cry
154. I hate that I let them affect me this way
155. I hate that I had sex with a man as a grown up and that just made me more confused
156. I hate that I kept having sex with men to try to work it out
157. I hate that I've pretended to be what other people wanted me to be my whole life and now I don't know who I am.
158. I hate that I have crushes on my male friends
159. I hate that I tried so hard to please my oldest brother at 4-6
160. I hate that I tried so hard to do it 'right' (even practiced not gagging on bananas)
161. I hate that I knew what semen tasted like, looked like, smelt like at 4-6
162. I hate that I grew to like it..even crave it
163. I hate that I have always cared more about giving the other person pleasure - like I don't deserve it
164. I hate that I beleived my dad when he called me a poof
165. I hate that I told him I forgave him when he called me when I was 23 to say sorry - just to make him feel better and I knew that was what I was supposed to say.
166. I hate that I wasn't ready to deal with it then
167. I hate that typing all this is making me want to act out again (I know I won't - I am better than that now!)
168. I hate that I can't swallow pills without pushing them to the back of my throat and that somehow this feels connected to the abuse.
169. I hate that I hate myself so much!!!!
170. I hate that I lied when I promised not to write anymore.

Thanks everyone for supporting me with this rant...I'm finding it very therapeutic.

Although it is also making me feel very vulnerable and exposed and selfish.

Farmer Boy Lee...

I forgive you for lying. You're Unbelievable-EMF You rock!

Jude

I forgive you too.

This is pretty awesome. Not that there is so much you hate about yourself - that sucks - but that you have the guts to list out like this.

Jude is right - you rock!

I like that this post made me cry and cry in identification.
I like that I am now realise I am not alone.
I like that some one had the courage to say all this because I couldn't.

OK, I am going to find a dark room to cry for all the things you hate...which are all the things I hate.

Thanks guys

I like that I have friends here that care about me
I like that I ran out of hates

Farmer Boy-

Don't think we have formally met - but thank you for being real here, your list was gut level honest and made me tear up as well. I hope some day I am brave enough to make my own list.

I like the courage you had writing this.
I like the honesty you have opening up to your friends here.
I like the fact that MS is a support for you.
I hate the fact that I am not where you are in being able to say all this.
I like the fact that you inspire me to attain to be open.

Thanks for writing this.

It takes courage to write what you wrote. I can certainly identify with some of what is on your list. I just made it here and I'm grateful that you are here telling your story, sharing stuff like this. While I may not have the same experiences, we have many of the same feelings. Your courage gives me courage, thank you. I can empathize with you and I wish we were not part of this dark 'club'. I'm glad we're all here.

I hate that I see so much of myself in your post.
I hate that you have the strength to write this
I hate that I don't
I like that I found this group and the guys I can relate to.

DavoSwim

I read. I cried. I read again. I cried again.
I hate that I can't yet find words.
I like that I can cry again.
Thank you.

thank you fermer boy for this post.

i like you, you know.

Thanks guys...It was good to be reminded of this post. I was very embarrassed that you found it but honoured by your comments.....it was a dark time for me. At the time I felt like I was bringing MS down with all my self hate and pain. I am relieved to know that it has helped others.

Wearytraveler - Nice to meet you I hope someday you have the courage to make a list too. For me it was very freeing - to get it all 'out'.

Zug - Thank you and I am sorry you can identify with the feelings and that you have reason to be here.

DavoSwim - I am comforted that you can see some of yourself in my post. I am not alone.

ThisMan - Your words here were perfect. Thank you.

Daniel - I like you too.

Lee

Farmer Boy, I just found your post; I hate that I identified, and that you had the experiences to be able to write your list, but I'm glad that you're in a better place, and that the brothers were there, and are here to support you.

Farmer, this may be one of the most powerful things I've ever read this thread gave me the courage to join MS , I don't have the courage to tell my story yet but maybe someday, anyways thank you for being so Honest, You made a very huge impact with this !!

Thanks guys

Your comments made me tear up.

Sending courage your way byron....I'm still working up the guts to put my story altogether. Everytime I start I get too overwhelmed....but oneday soon.

Lee

Farmer thank you for sharing your feelings with us. Like many others here I saw much of myself on that list even some things that I had not really given due consideration up to this point. I saw that I am not alone in my experience of such things, not to mention my anger regarding their existence. I'll tell you right now your honesty and openness is going to be appreciated by more people than those who get a chance to respond.

You have many hates but I love your honesty. May it bring you peace

I like you.