So, I have these episodes where the "it" gets me, the overwhelming and powerful negative emotion that I keep bottled up, sometimes it comes out and gets a grip on me and I can't move or talk. It completely overwhelms me...

In the past few weeks, my T has witnessed this in two sessions. Yesterday, when it started to happen, he made me stand up and tossed a ball at me for me to catch. It was a lot of work, but I was able -- barely -- to catch and toss the ball until the emotion took over and made me sit down and get overwhelmed.

Anyway, I think it was smart of my T to get me physically active, at least so that he and I could see me triggered and what effect that has on me. I didn't like playing catch when i was triggered, but I also can understand that it's a valuable technique for integrating that overwhelming emotion into my body and life.

We're getting ready for EMDR, which is scary but I'm ready for it.

I'm glad you have a T who can "play ball" with you. I'm not criticizing. That sounds great. It's a creative technique that works. I'm all for it.

I think there is a state (I don't mean a state like Nebraska or something, I mean a lasting emotional-mental response that kind of dominates our activities) which abused boys can get into in which they "freeze". They are unable to respond. It's like "playing possum" I think. I first read about it in one of the books on csa. There was a short thread on this topic here in MS. I think it was over a year ago. But that may not be what you're talking about anyway.

I'm realizing I go through mood swings lasting several days. Those of you in MS might have noticed that some days I'm just not a very good poster. I'm never diagnosed as bipolar but there is something going on. I have to figure out what that is. Is it based on the days of the week? I have known for some time that I had a Saturday downswing. I now realize it's because when I was a very small tad, perp would care for me on my 'mother's day off' every week which would last Saturday and overnight until Sunday morning. So I have that Saturday-Sunday morning depression based on unconscious memories of that. Then I would return home and I would have that "magic slate amnesia" (my own term for how I would forget everything that happened in perp's house the moment I walked into the family house. So I have that weekly repetitious mood swing.

But there must be something else going on. I haven't been able to put my finger on it. I know that in the last few days of abuse at the Boy Scout camp I was extremely desolate. Maybe that's it.

I've noticed that you seem to disappear for several days at a time. I may seem to others to do the same thing.

I guess I better go walk the dog. I'm going to look for a group exercise place. I know that's not what you're really saying.

I had a good T session yesterday. T is an excellent listener and he is very compassionate. After all the T sessions I've had, I feel I'm just getting into the very young stuff. My T dropped some strong hints about my finding a new EMDR T. We concurred. It's encouraging.

Puffer

Thanks, Puffer.

You're a good friend to me.

Cant