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#416416 - 11/16/12 03:27 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3609
Loc: South-East Europe
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
Thanks you so much for the support, guys.

The odd thing is, I kinda like who I am now. I am proud of how far I came. I pulled myself up from growing up on the wrong side of the tracks and eventually living on the streets, to owning a three-bedroom house in one of the more exclusive neighbourhoods in the city. I am good at my job, and respected by my co-workers. I was a good husband, even if it took a while to get there. I am working my ass off at being a good boyfriend now. And more important than anything else, I am a way better father than I even imagined I could be.

And yet, it takes so little to dump me back into self-loathing. I could never understand that.


Hey Gecko, your story is so inspiring. We all are too fragile and sometimes look like not much is needed to fall to some dark place. But all people are made like this. We as survivors are armed with experience form long internal fights and many victories that we gained. Who would rise again if not some of us smile ?
I need to remind myself occasionally not to be afraid of falls, I went trough a lot o things, why should I be scared of anything smile

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#416677 - 11/20/12 04:34 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I've been thinking about the experience of seeing my 16-year old self so vividly. Something is becoming clearer the more I think about it:

My hatred for him is based in fear.

I think about my 16-year old self - this foreign boy - and I am afraid of him. I know what he did, what he is capable of.

He had so much anger, directed at so many people, including himself. He was capable of lashing out with so much venom...

He took a human life once.

Could he do it again, if someone pushed him far enough?

Could he destroy me?
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#416689 - 11/20/12 09:01 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
"He took a human life once."

I read your story and am not sure "human" applies. And in any case there's a reason why there are self-defense laws on the books. It is very human and healthy of you to have some regret and even some shock at what you were capable of - but you only survived to this point of comfortable reflection because of it.

Riddle: What do you call someone who will do anything to stay alive?
Answer: You call them "alive."
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#416691 - 11/20/12 09:14 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Cornered human being is able to do normally unimaginable things.

Every human being can break and you are not different.

Those strong negative feelings in you are nothing more than result of brutal mistreatment and you should be aware of that.

For me the most problematic is that you see yourself through your father's eyes to some degree and not your own.

So it is not problem in anger, the problem is that you do not see yourself as you are. So open your eyes and look better, it seems you missed quite a lot of things to spot.

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#416773 - 11/21/12 01:29 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
So I decided to go looking for some photos of this boy last night. And then I realised - I have none.

I have no photos of myself age about 4 to 16. My grandma had some photos of me as a baby/toddler from before my parents cut her off, but when we left foster care at 16, we left basically with the clothes on our backs. If my foster mother had photos of me (and I don't recall them ever taking any) I'm sure she would have destroyed them by now...

Ivo - I think you are right. To some degree I still see myself through my father's eyes.

Thank you for the reassurance SoccerStar.

I am going to discuss this with my T later today. Hopefully I will gain more insight.
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#417299 - 11/26/12 12:33 PM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Want2binPawleys Offline


Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 1
I posted this on the PTSD Support and Global Awareness page on facebook a few days ago:

PTSD is the thousand yard stare that no one understands, they think you are looking at something but in reality you are looking at nothing.
When I look into a mirror I see my reflection but I do not see who I am. I have the thousand yard stare even when I look at myself in the mirror.

The eyes truly are the windows to the soul and thanks to my perps my soul died when i was a child.

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#417301 - 11/26/12 01:38 PM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Gary31 Offline


Registered: 10/16/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Upstate NY
Gecko -

How very powerful and real. We did what we had to do to survive. Now that I know I will never have to endure what I did as a child/teen, Why do I feel the way I feel? I am afraid of everything... From age 8 til 16 I was controlled by my Father, I often had to make decisions... Be beat, or quite frankly... Drop my pants. I know recovery takes time, a lot of time! But I am ready to start a life, but the nightmares and racing thoughts are getting in the way.

I met a boy named Gary a few weeks ago in a therapist environment. It was so real! He was sad, and lost, begging for help from "Big Gary". "Big Gary" could not do a thing but tell him he would get thru it and survive. "Big Gary" told him that there was a better life ahead. But I wonder now, Is there? I would not wish this situation on anybody!
_________________________
Gary

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#417307 - 11/26/12 03:47 PM * [Re: crazy gecko]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:07 PM)

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#417330 - 11/26/12 07:06 PM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Gary31 Offline


Registered: 10/16/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Upstate NY
Hi Gary.

I read your blogs often, and have read your story a few times. I know that I met you briefly last weekend and wish I had talked to you more. Just wanted you to know that your posts are inspiring to me as well as all who read them I am sure. This is not an easy journey we are on, but I must say that when I am down and out, I come to this site and you have always been "there" for me.

God Bless you Gary,
_________________________
Gary

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#417352 - 11/27/12 06:12 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I'm beginning to believe that re-connecting with our younger-selves are essential to healing. My therapist is helping me to get to know this young boy in a safe setting. I am not yet ready to face him head-on and look him in the eyes, but perhaps, one day, I will be.

I was hoping to be able to track down some photos of myself age 4-16 to help me recapture the boy I was then, but sadly, none seem to exist. frown So I'll just have to rely on my memory...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
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