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#416294 - 11/15/12 02:16 AM I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers **
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I met a boy yesterday.

He was 16 years old. His face looked quite innocent, except for his eyes. His eyes looked empty. The eyes are the windows to the soul. His soul must have been empty, like yesterday's brandy bottle.

That little boy was scared, confused. A man was pointing a gun at his head. A man who had told the boy to call him "dad", even though he wasn't really his dad. More than anything else, he wanted to escape, but he couldn't move. He had to do what the man told him to. If he didn't, he would die.

He knew what semen tastes like.

It was true, after all, what his father - his real, biological father - had said. He would never be anything other than a sex-toy. That was all he was good for, all he would ever be. He had not future. Nothing to live for.

Nothing to loose.

He was asking me to have compassion. To not judge him. To understand his desperation. He was asking me to forgive him for not doing better, not being more mature, not making a better plan to get away.

He was crying, but the tears flowed from my eyes.
That boy was me, 24 years ago.

I wonder - will I ever be able to accept him, with all his failings? To embrace him and tell him that it is OK, I will no longer blame him for his act of desperation?

When I closed my eyes and saw his face yesterday, in my T's office, he looked so young and so lost. How can I hate him so much?
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#416295 - 11/15/12 03:28 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1523
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
I met a boy yesterday. He knew what semen tastes like.....He was crying, but the tears flowed from my eyes. That boy was me, 24 years ago.


Gecko,

I met that boy too. He was 13. But it was him who hated me. For not rescuing him, not saving him. I had to ask his forgiveness, and then set him free to be a boy again.
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#416296 - 11/15/12 04:06 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I have never seen him as clearly as I saw him yesterday. Now, I can't forget his face and how lost he looked.

I never realised how much I hated him - me - either.

How could you have saved your younger self? I guess we shouldn't expect any of this to make sense.

I just realised I wrote "little boy" above. He was 16. Hardly "little". And yet, inside, he was...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#416311 - 11/15/12 08:08 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6865
Loc: USA
CG

That is pretty sad. I'm glad you can vent those griefs here.

Your avatar is wonderfully intriguing.

I have those kinds of feelings when I see the vid:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdkNn3Ei-Lg

I think that is what I was like at that age. Of course there are all kinds of ammendations and denials of his original vid. I think it's real. But then I was like that then.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (11/15/12 08:09 AM)

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#416315 - 11/15/12 08:35 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Excellent timing on the post Gecko. Just yesterday I was sorting through pictures looking for something else and came across one my dad took of me just months after the school/camp abuse, same age as you. I'd forgotten the pic even existed.

Dad had taken me to see the Battleship Missouri in Seattle - at that time, just weeks before the marking of 25 years since the Japanese surrender - on one of my rare visits with Dad. It's a pic of a dedicated future pro photog striding with his first used SLR towards another shot on the deck. But he's not smiling. Just into his shots.

Among the thoughts I had was how dedicated Dad was to encouraging my interests. From today's perspective on the circumstances of my life at the time, I thought it was appropriate I'm backed up by the Missouri's large guns. I'm also touched that Dad had some insight to take the shot.

And, yes, I got weepy because I knew what this teenager had gone through in the previous year, how relieved he was for the respite, and how he so wanted to tell Dad what was going on but didn't know how to. He knew he couldn't tell Dad's ex-wife, a self-absorbed bitch who'd continue to verbally and emotionally abuse the kid for years.

This teenager is my best friend and I'm still getting to know him. Thanks Gecko.

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#416317 - 11/15/12 08:50 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
puffer - I have seen that vid. It made me cry. I think it is real too. I never really bullied in school, but I still felt the way he does. It makes me think that the difference between bullying and abuse is perhaps not that big...

My avatar is just a stock image. I was idly googling one day, and stumbled across it. I struck me, because I immediately realised it is me. Not literally, but still. I am the little boy, hiding his face from the world. So I bought it.

Now I'm thinking, perhaps my avatar is the boy I met yesterday. Perhaps, if I can find it in myself to forgive him, he will be able to lift his head and look the world in the eyes?

Lancer - I hope that one day this teenager can also be my friend...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#416351 - 11/15/12 02:41 PM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey g

That is real progress!!

It was not his fault...it was not your fault! It was all your foster dad's fault. No 16 year old under those circumstances can be blamed for their actions. He could see no other way out. It worked - he got out. what if he hadn't done what he did. what if he was stuck there being abused by that man for years...what if the boy had been killed instead. What that boy did saved you. You would not have met your late wife....your angel and had that happiness if things had happened differently. You would not have your beautiful daughter to live for.

I'm glad you met that boy again. I hope you CAN be friends....
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#416381 - 11/15/12 08:59 PM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 422
Loc: USA
Gecko - wow. I understand your words so well, every one of them as I had felt the same mix of feelings, confusion and a sense of being trapped. By 16 my programming had me convinced of the same things. At times I hated my self then, and at 6 when it started, and myself up to last year.

My counselor helped me see that I was, that I am, so much more then that. I was never defined by "them". When I came to understand that, all of the "me's" of the past have finally been able to sleep safely inside. I have no more hate or blame for me for what happened. I'm now healing, trying to figure out how old I am inside, and finding peace finally. Thank you for posting this poem and I am hoping you can move forward now too.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#416390 - 11/15/12 11:16 PM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3391
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Gecko –

Your post really affected me. I was feeling such compassion for your boy as I read – and then – SURPRISE! – one of my boys showed up unexpectedly. I’ve seen him before – but was always disgusted and repulsed by him. This time – as I turned to look at him, I felt the same empathy for him as I did for your boy. Thank you for re-introducing “us.”

I had caught glimpses of him before today – and always turned away. but this time I paused to really look at him - thirteen: too big for his age, awkward, gawky, clumsy, uncomfortable in his own skin, miserable, feeling ugly and unwanted, out-of-place, a misfit, an outsider, a reject. He is pale, with thick horn-rimmed glasses, a terrible haircut, blemished skin and a too-big nose. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands or feet and is always shuffling and twitching, scratching his upper arms and pulling at his eyelashes. He squints in the too-bright light and grimaces for the camera – tense and unhappy with his own appearance and unwilling but resigned to have it captured and recorded – an indictment against him – proof of his unworthiness. He wishes he could just disappear. He is alone in his family and alienated in his school and ostracized in scouts, inept in sports, no good at anything that anyone else values.

I loathed him and hated being him – and wished with all my heart to escape him. Just the same way that everyone else in his life seemed to feel about him and treated him.

I must have decided to ditch him. I don’t even know how it happened. I know we moved. I remember I thought that maybe I could start over and be someone different in a new place. The next thing I remember was like being a whole different person. I had left him behind when I crossed the ocean or the border or passed through customs and immigration. No one knew me. That was good. It was like turning over a clean page and beginning to invent myself. I put on a new identity with the new school uniform and tried not to look back or think about the past. He was hidden, sleeping, only stirring restlessly when something happened that echoed his memories of painful emotions. I outgrew him and forgot about him. I moved on. I got a life…

But now, he has come back to haunt me, like an orphaned foster child, abused and neglected by me – the responsible adult who left him out in the cold and refused to feed or clothe or protect him. He is like the old friend that I deserted and betrayed when someone new and more popular and charismatic came along. And now I feel compassion for him – and acceptance – and want to accept, nurture and heal him. I want to embrace him and comfort him and tell him that it’s OK now - and that he can be loved and valued and cherished. And that I am so, so sorry.

please pass on this message from my boy to yours.
LeE


Edited by traveler (11/15/12 11:19 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#416408 - 11/16/12 02:01 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Thanks you so much for the support, guys.

The odd thing is, I kinda like who I am now. I am proud of how far I came. I pulled myself up from growing up on the wrong side of the tracks and eventually living on the streets, to owning a three-bedroom house in one of the more exclusive neighbourhoods in the city. I am good at my job, and respected by my co-workers. I was a good husband, even if it took a while to get there. I am working my ass off at being a good boyfriend now. And more important than anything else, I am a way better father than I even imagined I could be.

And yet, it takes so little to dump me back into self-loathing. I could never understand that.

I think I needed to see this boy as separate from myself, to be able to admit how I felt about him. I wasn't willing to admit that I hated myself, but when I pictured this boy, standing in front of me - a separate person - I knew that I hate him. I could hardly stand to look at him...

Lee - I'm glad I could re-introduce you to your younger self. I feel so much compassion for the boy you describe. You post is making me think about why I hate that boy so much. I'm not sure... I think I need more time...


Edited by crazy gecko (11/16/12 02:01 AM)
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#416416 - 11/16/12 03:27 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3607
Loc: South-East Europe
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
Thanks you so much for the support, guys.

The odd thing is, I kinda like who I am now. I am proud of how far I came. I pulled myself up from growing up on the wrong side of the tracks and eventually living on the streets, to owning a three-bedroom house in one of the more exclusive neighbourhoods in the city. I am good at my job, and respected by my co-workers. I was a good husband, even if it took a while to get there. I am working my ass off at being a good boyfriend now. And more important than anything else, I am a way better father than I even imagined I could be.

And yet, it takes so little to dump me back into self-loathing. I could never understand that.


Hey Gecko, your story is so inspiring. We all are too fragile and sometimes look like not much is needed to fall to some dark place. But all people are made like this. We as survivors are armed with experience form long internal fights and many victories that we gained. Who would rise again if not some of us smile ?
I need to remind myself occasionally not to be afraid of falls, I went trough a lot o things, why should I be scared of anything smile

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#416677 - 11/20/12 04:34 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I've been thinking about the experience of seeing my 16-year old self so vividly. Something is becoming clearer the more I think about it:

My hatred for him is based in fear.

I think about my 16-year old self - this foreign boy - and I am afraid of him. I know what he did, what he is capable of.

He had so much anger, directed at so many people, including himself. He was capable of lashing out with so much venom...

He took a human life once.

Could he do it again, if someone pushed him far enough?

Could he destroy me?
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#416689 - 11/20/12 09:01 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
"He took a human life once."

I read your story and am not sure "human" applies. And in any case there's a reason why there are self-defense laws on the books. It is very human and healthy of you to have some regret and even some shock at what you were capable of - but you only survived to this point of comfortable reflection because of it.

Riddle: What do you call someone who will do anything to stay alive?
Answer: You call them "alive."
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#416691 - 11/20/12 09:14 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Cornered human being is able to do normally unimaginable things.

Every human being can break and you are not different.

Those strong negative feelings in you are nothing more than result of brutal mistreatment and you should be aware of that.

For me the most problematic is that you see yourself through your father's eyes to some degree and not your own.

So it is not problem in anger, the problem is that you do not see yourself as you are. So open your eyes and look better, it seems you missed quite a lot of things to spot.

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#416773 - 11/21/12 01:29 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
So I decided to go looking for some photos of this boy last night. And then I realised - I have none.

I have no photos of myself age about 4 to 16. My grandma had some photos of me as a baby/toddler from before my parents cut her off, but when we left foster care at 16, we left basically with the clothes on our backs. If my foster mother had photos of me (and I don't recall them ever taking any) I'm sure she would have destroyed them by now...

Ivo - I think you are right. To some degree I still see myself through my father's eyes.

Thank you for the reassurance SoccerStar.

I am going to discuss this with my T later today. Hopefully I will gain more insight.
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#417299 - 11/26/12 12:33 PM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Want2binPawleys Offline


Registered: 11/26/12
Posts: 1
I posted this on the PTSD Support and Global Awareness page on facebook a few days ago:

PTSD is the thousand yard stare that no one understands, they think you are looking at something but in reality you are looking at nothing.
When I look into a mirror I see my reflection but I do not see who I am. I have the thousand yard stare even when I look at myself in the mirror.

The eyes truly are the windows to the soul and thanks to my perps my soul died when i was a child.

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#417301 - 11/26/12 01:38 PM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Gary31 Offline


Registered: 10/16/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Upstate NY
Gecko -

How very powerful and real. We did what we had to do to survive. Now that I know I will never have to endure what I did as a child/teen, Why do I feel the way I feel? I am afraid of everything... From age 8 til 16 I was controlled by my Father, I often had to make decisions... Be beat, or quite frankly... Drop my pants. I know recovery takes time, a lot of time! But I am ready to start a life, but the nightmares and racing thoughts are getting in the way.

I met a boy named Gary a few weeks ago in a therapist environment. It was so real! He was sad, and lost, begging for help from "Big Gary". "Big Gary" could not do a thing but tell him he would get thru it and survive. "Big Gary" told him that there was a better life ahead. But I wonder now, Is there? I would not wish this situation on anybody!
_________________________
Gary

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#417307 - 11/26/12 03:47 PM * [Re: crazy gecko]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:07 PM)

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#417330 - 11/26/12 07:06 PM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Gary31 Offline


Registered: 10/16/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Upstate NY
Hi Gary.

I read your blogs often, and have read your story a few times. I know that I met you briefly last weekend and wish I had talked to you more. Just wanted you to know that your posts are inspiring to me as well as all who read them I am sure. This is not an easy journey we are on, but I must say that when I am down and out, I come to this site and you have always been "there" for me.

God Bless you Gary,
_________________________
Gary

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#417352 - 11/27/12 06:12 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I'm beginning to believe that re-connecting with our younger-selves are essential to healing. My therapist is helping me to get to know this young boy in a safe setting. I am not yet ready to face him head-on and look him in the eyes, but perhaps, one day, I will be.

I was hoping to be able to track down some photos of myself age 4-16 to help me recapture the boy I was then, but sadly, none seem to exist. frown So I'll just have to rely on my memory...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#417359 - 11/27/12 08:16 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3391
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Gecko -

interesting that you want to find photos of yourself as a kid.

i have strenuously avoided having any or even looking at them if i can help it. i know there are lots at my mom's place and in storage somewhere from when she downsized. but i really have no desire to see them. don't know if it is fear of triggers, guilt for having deserted him for so long, or what...

my wife wants to see them and have them, but it make me feel really uncomfortable. i am OK with ones as a baby and toddler - but not of the ages when i lived with the step-dad - from about 6 up to 18. maybe someday i'll be ready for that.

Lee

PS - on more reflection, i think that what really repulses me in the photos i have seen is the fundamental lies that they represent. my family was really big on appearances - making everything look good to the outside world. but the reality was oh, so different. we had a nice house and cars and were always well dressed and did all the right things, even took vacations in Europe. but when i had to smile for the camera, i knew it was hiding so much and was nothing but a forced conspiracy of deception.


Edited by traveler (11/27/12 09:43 AM)
Edit Reason: PS
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#418346 - 12/06/12 02:52 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
So, for those who haven't been following my other thread - Since my last post here, I have tracked down some photos in an old yearbook from the school I attended. I went to look at those photos yesterday.

It was an incredibly emotional experience.

At the school, while looking at the yearbooks, I had a very hard time staying present. Basically, I could not look at them without dissociating. In the end, I asked my girlfriend (who had fortunately gone with me) to take photos of the applicable pages with the digital camera I took with me. We took those photos straight to a print shop and did a few prints. I didn't look at them again until my T session, which was late yesterday afternoon. My T was able to help me look at them while staying present.

Looking into my own eyes, age 15, I saw myself for the first time as an innocent victim. I saw the blank stare in that young boy's eyes and realised that I had been judging that boy by a rational adult's standards. I blamed him for rebelling and provoking his abusers. I blamed him for not fighting harder. I blamed him for turning to drugs and self-injury. People have always told me that I was just a child trying to cope, but I had never felt it before. Yesterday, I felt that young boy's pain. It was a physical ache that overwhelmed me, body and soul. At the end of my 90 minute T session, I understood that I had always chosen to cling to the shame and the guilt because it was safer.

Admitting my own innocence left bare the real emotions - mostly the unbearable pain of knowing that nothing I could ever do or say, would have earned me the relief or the love I craved. I think believing that I could have had a better life if I was a better kid was easier than accepting that I would not have been loved, regardless.

I feel so deeply sorry for that boy.

But you know what? "Unbearable pain" isn't strictly accurate. I bore a piece of it yesterday, and I survived. It didn't kill me. Yesterday, I cried more than I have ever cried in one day before. Today, I feel stronger than I have ever felt. For the first time ever, I feel that I can look in the mirror, remember the boy that became the man I see there, and be gentle with him. I want to be kind to myself today. I deserve it. That young boy that became me, deserves it. He has suffered enough cruelty in his life. He doesn't deserve to be blamed for it.

This is a post I wrote last night, in an attempt to make sense of my emotions:
To the boy in the picture...

That young boy has a lot of healing to do, but the sun is shining today. It's a beautiful day.

It is the first day of the rest of my life. smile

PS: Yesterday was also the first time my girlfriend say me dissociate, and the first time she saw me completely fall to pieces, emotionally. She handled it with so much love and compassion, and yet managed to not make me feel emasculated.

I am in awe.


Edited by crazy gecko (12/06/12 02:55 AM)
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#418348 - 12/06/12 04:01 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3391
Loc: somewhere in Africa
CG - i am in awe, too - of your courage, of your trransformation from that boy to who you are now - and of your GF - who is obviously a treasure!

Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
Looking into my own eyes, age 15, I saw myself for the first time as an innocent victim. I saw the blank stare in that young boy's eyes and realised that I had been judging that boy by a rational adult's standards. I blamed him for rebelling and provoking his abusers. I blamed him for not fighting harder. I blamed him for turning to drugs and self-injury. People have always told me that I was just a child trying to cope, but I had never felt it before. Yesterday, I felt that young boy's pain. It was a physical ache that overwhelmed me, body and soul. At the end of my 90 minute T session, I understood that I had always chosen to cling to the shame and the guilt because it was safer.

Admitting my own innocence left bare the real emotions - mostly the unbearable pain of knowing that nothing I could ever do or say, would have earned me the relief or the love I craved. I think believing that I could have had a better life if I was a better kid was easier than accepting that I would not have been loved, regardless.

I feel so deeply sorry for that boy.

But you know what? "Unbearable pain" isn't strictly accurate. I bore a piece of it yesterday, and I survived. It didn't kill me. Yesterday, I cried more than I have ever cried in one day before. Today, I feel stronger than I have ever felt.


this is so profound.

i had to brace myself and prepare to read the post, because i had an intuitive feeling of what it would be. and then i read it 3 times - as well as your other linked post.

you not only "feel stronger than (you) have ever felt" - you ARE stronger.

i am honored to have "met" you!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#418357 - 12/06/12 08:13 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Gecko

I agree with traveller. Wow!

I read them both over and over as well.

This is huge! What a tough day!!!!

It brings me such joy to know that you finally were able to look into the eyes of your 15 year old self and see him for who he really was....an innocent victim. The boy inside you we could see all along.

To see this much progress in the two months you have been here is an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

This is some good healing.

I am honoured to know you too!!!

Lee

PS. Don't let that GF get away - she is worth her weight in gold!
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#418358 - 12/06/12 08:15 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
SoccerStar Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Oh CG, that's wonderful progress you made - I am so glad you broke the dam and are at last able to accept your younger self. Now there is no one left who can hurt him - and the person best able to help him is you.

Completely understand your unwillingness to accept your own innocence. Self-blame is a sort of reverse form of empowerment - it turns chaos into order. Someone suffering trauma can't bear the thought that it just happened because terrible things happen, because people can attack you and you can't control them, that it could or could have happened again. "There was a cause - it was ME - I did this" can be better at the most vulnerable stages than "Shit happens - you were defenseless - people really can be that unpredictable, dangerous, and evil."

You have to be in a safer place to accept the "less safe" explanation. I'm so glad you made it through. GF sounds like a real keeper, so, double congrats!

Matt


Edited by SoccerStar (12/06/12 08:18 AM)
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#418411 - 12/07/12 02:39 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: SoccerStar]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Thank you, everyone. I really feel like I've made a major breakthrough and it's good to have someone I can share it with, who gets it smile

Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
Self-blame is a sort of reverse form of empowerment - it turns chaos into order. Someone suffering trauma can't bear the thought that it just happened because terrible things happen, because people can attack you and you can't control them, that it could or could have happened again. "There was a cause - it was ME - I did this" can be better at the most vulnerable stages than "Shit happens - you were defenseless - people really can be that unpredictable, dangerous, and evil."

Well said. Knowing that I was defenceless and that I really had no control over what happened is scary. However, I don't think the feeling of control was worth the guilt and self-loathing that came with feeling responsible.
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