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#416294 - 11/15/12 02:16 AM I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers **
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I met a boy yesterday.

He was 16 years old. His face looked quite innocent, except for his eyes. His eyes looked empty. The eyes are the windows to the soul. His soul must have been empty, like yesterday's brandy bottle.

That little boy was scared, confused. A man was pointing a gun at his head. A man who had told the boy to call him "dad", even though he wasn't really his dad. More than anything else, he wanted to escape, but he couldn't move. He had to do what the man told him to. If he didn't, he would die.

He knew what semen tastes like.

It was true, after all, what his father - his real, biological father - had said. He would never be anything other than a sex-toy. That was all he was good for, all he would ever be. He had not future. Nothing to live for.

Nothing to loose.

He was asking me to have compassion. To not judge him. To understand his desperation. He was asking me to forgive him for not doing better, not being more mature, not making a better plan to get away.

He was crying, but the tears flowed from my eyes.
That boy was me, 24 years ago.

I wonder - will I ever be able to accept him, with all his failings? To embrace him and tell him that it is OK, I will no longer blame him for his act of desperation?

When I closed my eyes and saw his face yesterday, in my T's office, he looked so young and so lost. How can I hate him so much?
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#416295 - 11/15/12 03:28 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1466
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
I met a boy yesterday. He knew what semen tastes like.....He was crying, but the tears flowed from my eyes. That boy was me, 24 years ago.


Gecko,

I met that boy too. He was 13. But it was him who hated me. For not rescuing him, not saving him. I had to ask his forgiveness, and then set him free to be a boy again.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#416296 - 11/15/12 04:06 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I have never seen him as clearly as I saw him yesterday. Now, I can't forget his face and how lost he looked.

I never realised how much I hated him - me - either.

How could you have saved your younger self? I guess we shouldn't expect any of this to make sense.

I just realised I wrote "little boy" above. He was 16. Hardly "little". And yet, inside, he was...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#416311 - 11/15/12 08:08 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6806
Loc: USA
CG

That is pretty sad. I'm glad you can vent those griefs here.

Your avatar is wonderfully intriguing.

I have those kinds of feelings when I see the vid:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdkNn3Ei-Lg

I think that is what I was like at that age. Of course there are all kinds of ammendations and denials of his original vid. I think it's real. But then I was like that then.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (11/15/12 08:09 AM)

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#416315 - 11/15/12 08:35 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Excellent timing on the post Gecko. Just yesterday I was sorting through pictures looking for something else and came across one my dad took of me just months after the school/camp abuse, same age as you. I'd forgotten the pic even existed.

Dad had taken me to see the Battleship Missouri in Seattle - at that time, just weeks before the marking of 25 years since the Japanese surrender - on one of my rare visits with Dad. It's a pic of a dedicated future pro photog striding with his first used SLR towards another shot on the deck. But he's not smiling. Just into his shots.

Among the thoughts I had was how dedicated Dad was to encouraging my interests. From today's perspective on the circumstances of my life at the time, I thought it was appropriate I'm backed up by the Missouri's large guns. I'm also touched that Dad had some insight to take the shot.

And, yes, I got weepy because I knew what this teenager had gone through in the previous year, how relieved he was for the respite, and how he so wanted to tell Dad what was going on but didn't know how to. He knew he couldn't tell Dad's ex-wife, a self-absorbed bitch who'd continue to verbally and emotionally abuse the kid for years.

This teenager is my best friend and I'm still getting to know him. Thanks Gecko.

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#416317 - 11/15/12 08:50 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
puffer - I have seen that vid. It made me cry. I think it is real too. I never really bullied in school, but I still felt the way he does. It makes me think that the difference between bullying and abuse is perhaps not that big...

My avatar is just a stock image. I was idly googling one day, and stumbled across it. I struck me, because I immediately realised it is me. Not literally, but still. I am the little boy, hiding his face from the world. So I bought it.

Now I'm thinking, perhaps my avatar is the boy I met yesterday. Perhaps, if I can find it in myself to forgive him, he will be able to lift his head and look the world in the eyes?

Lancer - I hope that one day this teenager can also be my friend...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#416351 - 11/15/12 02:41 PM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey g

That is real progress!!

It was not his fault...it was not your fault! It was all your foster dad's fault. No 16 year old under those circumstances can be blamed for their actions. He could see no other way out. It worked - he got out. what if he hadn't done what he did. what if he was stuck there being abused by that man for years...what if the boy had been killed instead. What that boy did saved you. You would not have met your late wife....your angel and had that happiness if things had happened differently. You would not have your beautiful daughter to live for.

I'm glad you met that boy again. I hope you CAN be friends....
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#416381 - 11/15/12 08:59 PM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 413
Loc: USA
Gecko - wow. I understand your words so well, every one of them as I had felt the same mix of feelings, confusion and a sense of being trapped. By 16 my programming had me convinced of the same things. At times I hated my self then, and at 6 when it started, and myself up to last year.

My counselor helped me see that I was, that I am, so much more then that. I was never defined by "them". When I came to understand that, all of the "me's" of the past have finally been able to sleep safely inside. I have no more hate or blame for me for what happened. I'm now healing, trying to figure out how old I am inside, and finding peace finally. Thank you for posting this poem and I am hoping you can move forward now too.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#416390 - 11/15/12 11:16 PM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
Gecko –

Your post really affected me. I was feeling such compassion for your boy as I read – and then – SURPRISE! – one of my boys showed up unexpectedly. I’ve seen him before – but was always disgusted and repulsed by him. This time – as I turned to look at him, I felt the same empathy for him as I did for your boy. Thank you for re-introducing “us.”

I had caught glimpses of him before today – and always turned away. but this time I paused to really look at him - thirteen: too big for his age, awkward, gawky, clumsy, uncomfortable in his own skin, miserable, feeling ugly and unwanted, out-of-place, a misfit, an outsider, a reject. He is pale, with thick horn-rimmed glasses, a terrible haircut, blemished skin and a too-big nose. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands or feet and is always shuffling and twitching, scratching his upper arms and pulling at his eyelashes. He squints in the too-bright light and grimaces for the camera – tense and unhappy with his own appearance and unwilling but resigned to have it captured and recorded – an indictment against him – proof of his unworthiness. He wishes he could just disappear. He is alone in his family and alienated in his school and ostracized in scouts, inept in sports, no good at anything that anyone else values.

I loathed him and hated being him – and wished with all my heart to escape him. Just the same way that everyone else in his life seemed to feel about him and treated him.

I must have decided to ditch him. I don’t even know how it happened. I know we moved. I remember I thought that maybe I could start over and be someone different in a new place. The next thing I remember was like being a whole different person. I had left him behind when I crossed the ocean or the border or passed through customs and immigration. No one knew me. That was good. It was like turning over a clean page and beginning to invent myself. I put on a new identity with the new school uniform and tried not to look back or think about the past. He was hidden, sleeping, only stirring restlessly when something happened that echoed his memories of painful emotions. I outgrew him and forgot about him. I moved on. I got a life…

But now, he has come back to haunt me, like an orphaned foster child, abused and neglected by me – the responsible adult who left him out in the cold and refused to feed or clothe or protect him. He is like the old friend that I deserted and betrayed when someone new and more popular and charismatic came along. And now I feel compassion for him – and acceptance – and want to accept, nurture and heal him. I want to embrace him and comfort him and tell him that it’s OK now - and that he can be loved and valued and cherished. And that I am so, so sorry.

please pass on this message from my boy to yours.
LeE


Edited by traveler (11/15/12 11:19 PM)
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#416408 - 11/16/12 02:01 AM Re: I met a boy yesterday. ** Triggers ** [Re: crazy gecko]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Thanks you so much for the support, guys.

The odd thing is, I kinda like who I am now. I am proud of how far I came. I pulled myself up from growing up on the wrong side of the tracks and eventually living on the streets, to owning a three-bedroom house in one of the more exclusive neighbourhoods in the city. I am good at my job, and respected by my co-workers. I was a good husband, even if it took a while to get there. I am working my ass off at being a good boyfriend now. And more important than anything else, I am a way better father than I even imagined I could be.

And yet, it takes so little to dump me back into self-loathing. I could never understand that.

I think I needed to see this boy as separate from myself, to be able to admit how I felt about him. I wasn't willing to admit that I hated myself, but when I pictured this boy, standing in front of me - a separate person - I knew that I hate him. I could hardly stand to look at him...

Lee - I'm glad I could re-introduce you to your younger self. I feel so much compassion for the boy you describe. You post is making me think about why I hate that boy so much. I'm not sure... I think I need more time...


Edited by crazy gecko (11/16/12 02:01 AM)
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
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