i was wondering why I am so panicked by today’s meeting with the school superintendent. It has no obvious relationship with CSA issues. But I figured it out.
It is the same as the feeling I got from the step-father – the first abuser. The rising nausea, the gurgling, loosening bowels, the clenched cramping gut, the sinking heart, the dread and fear and helpless sensations – all are being re-lived. I have never done well with authority figures. I fold up, turn inward, shrink, disappear. And he is coming for a meeting today. Inside sources tells me he will be chastising the entire staff and presenting ultimatums. Scary.
He looks and acts nothing like the step-father. But there are other similarities – his inability to see anything from another’s perspective, his cutting tongue, his insistence upon his absolute power, his arrogance, his ability to ruin one’s future.
I have said this before – all my abuse was part of the same “thing” – I cannot separate the verbal or emotional abuse from the physical or sexual abuse. They were all esteem-destroying, identity–mangling, and soul-wounding. So – yeah – it does have a lot to do with CSA.
Edited by traveler (11/14/12 08:29 PM)
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago