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#416229 - 11/14/12 03:43 AM felt akward----trigger warning---
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
----Trigger waring----I'm talking about porn----

I went for drink with three girl friends after work, one has had birthday and we meet for short celebration. In the middle of conversation one friend has brought book to give it to other and I took it to see what is all about.
While reading it suddenly I've got confused. The book was about sex only, scenes were explicit and it was about SM.
It reminded me where I was mentally.
I must admit that I started to watch regularly porn many years ago (I'm scared to admit but it could be true that I watched near thousand of movies since early puberty and that number even soared in Internet era) and within years my habits developed and changed. I started with straight porn, switched to gay and moved around since than. Lately I was in some "nasty" things and I'm not proud about it.
I've always felt very dirty afterward. I know that it is in my case sort of numbing and escaping reality.
I go to therapy and slowly we are getting into feelings that I can't stand for long and which are source of my pain. It is something connected to my early childhood and probably I'll need to accept it as my integral part frown
Anyway yesterday while reading that crap of book I felt so lonely, empty and kind of sad, maybe I felt even triggered (some scenes stayed in my mind).
Off course that I didn't show anything to my friends, I even made couple of jokes about it. One friend couldn't believe that I figured what is that book about in less than 5 minutes of reading.
I can accept my weirdness and confusion while is not publicly displayed and if it is closed to my fantasy world but in company of my good friends I felt awkward and terrible, like some monster.
Troubles me the most seeing internal fight between two totally opposite sides that last for ages already. I don't know how will I ever learn to accept it and make some internal resolution (well at least I know what I'll have to work on in next 20 years smile ).
It is like I have two sides in constant fight, one is made of highest moral, very demanding and very strict and other one is without any limits always wanting more.
Just needed to share it and went it out frown

Pero
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My story

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#416240 - 11/14/12 06:59 AM * [Re: peroperic2009]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:00 PM)

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#416249 - 11/14/12 08:05 AM Re: felt akward----trigger warning--- [Re: peroperic2009]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Thanks Gary for your support,
I can't say how much grateful I'm because of all you guys present here at MS!

Pero

PS. Gary I wish you all the best for upcoming NY conference smile !
_________________________
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#416284 - 11/14/12 08:54 PM Re: felt akward----trigger warning--- [Re: peroperic2009]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3203
Loc: back in the USA
Pero -

you are NOT a monster. if you were, you would not be having this conflict. and it is a struggle that many - if not most - of us deal with: the difference between the higher, idealized hopes for ourselves (what we think we "should" be) against the damaged, lower, darker, unwanted attractions that are the product of the abusive esperiences (the real or exagerrated - often self-loathing - version of what we think we "are.")

remember - though you feel dirty and transparent - others can't see inside you the way you fear they can. don't despise yourself - you are a work in progress. and all of us here know what a good guy you really are - no matter how you feel.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#416293 - 11/15/12 01:48 AM Re: felt akward----trigger warning--- [Re: peroperic2009]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hey Pero
Of all the guys I know you are probably the most helpful loving person.
Porn was a great problem in my life, and things only started changing for me when I had laid of it for 3 months. Things are really different for me now, like night and day.
I know that with all the hard work you put into recovery you will get this sorted and find a solution.

Keep going brother and remember that you are allowed to love yourself.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#416298 - 11/15/12 05:23 AM Re: felt akward----trigger warning--- [Re: peroperic2009]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Lee thanks for supportive words, you nicely explained difference between two sides (on that we think we what we should be and other with problems because of abuse), that was very insightful.
Work in progress you said - I would add a lot of work in progress wink

Hey Martin,
I'm OK with all, it is not much question of porn and addiction, I've just felt too tired with own struggle. It looks like I can't remember my early life without it and I would not like to see same battle on going in distant future.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#416314 - 11/15/12 08:33 AM Re: felt akward----trigger warning--- [Re: peroperic2009]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
I've just got newsletter from Dr. Kort (he used to write in Ask the Sex Doc part of the board ) which fills in very nicely to my issues and could be interesting for reading:

"This month I will be presenting a talk at the National Conference for Male Survivors
of Sexual Abuse (www.malesurvivors.org) which will be in New York.

I have long worked with this population. I am presenting a workshop on Erotic Logic
to help these men understand that even if their sexual thoughts, feelings and desires
originated from having been sexually abused, they don't have to be labeled as bad
and wrong.

Often sexual abuse survivors have hypersexuality, trauma re-enactment where they
return to the sexual scene of the crime repeatedly in an unconscious effort to
resolve the trauma. Clearly doing this is unhealthy and re-traumatizing.

However, after the therapy heals the abuse and resolution occurs, these men--and
many women--are left with a sexuality that now has an imprint from the abuse. Therapists
often tell these clients that as long as they engage in any behavior or fantasy
that involves the sexual trauma that occurred toward them they are unhealthy and
unresolved.

I disagree with the fact that if sexual play originates from abuse it is always
bad and wrong. While it might be true for many people, it is certainly not true
for all.

My goal in my therapeutic work is to help people understand that all of our sexual
fantasies and behaviors have positive intent.

No matter how crazy you think your sexual thoughts, fantasies and behaviors are,
experiencing shame around them just makes it worse. Most people feel shame because
they feel alone, odd or that others who share their sexual desires appear marginalized
and negative in the media. Shame is never good for sexual issues.

As Jack Morin, author of The Erotic Mind, says, "If you go to war with your sexuality,
you will lose."

I wholeheartedly agree.

Obviously some sexual fantasies and desire are better left alone and not acted upon
either because they are illegal, will go against your values or the values of others
and harm others. I am not addressing those when I speak of removing shame. I am
not saying, "do whatever feels good and don't consider the consequences."

What I am saying is that pretty much all our sexual fantasies and desires come from
both the positive and negative experiences we had in childhood in our families,
religions, communities and peer groups. This is no different for sexual abuse survivors
except that theirs included trauma.

To be clear, I am not talking about sexual orientation. I do not believe in any
way that orientation can be learned or shaped. Sexual behaviors are shaped and imprinted,
not sexual orientation.

Have a happy November and enjoy your Thanksgiving.

Warmly,

Joe Kort, Ph.D., LMSW"
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My story

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#416325 - 11/15/12 09:55 AM Re: felt akward----trigger warning--- [Re: peroperic2009]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hey Pero.

The usual words, It does get better. Hang in there, I remember getting super tired of the recovery process and feeling like it would never end, but it does.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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