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#415837 - 11/10/12 01:29 AM But He Was Gentle "Triggers"
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I read the stories of men who were tortured and put through hell. Some describe it as painful and horrifying, but I don't use those words. It was never painful, and as a child I didn't feel coerced. Sometimes I feel that because it didn't hurt, or I wasn't physically forced that I wasn't actually abused. That somehow I must have wanted it on some level.

The physical sensations themselves felt "good". Of course I had no idea what "good" actually meant, but my body responded the way it was supposed to respond. I have never known what to call what James did to me, so I labelled it sexual abuse. I hate calling it oral sex, because the word sex implies some sort of consent in my eyes. It's not like I knew what the hell was going on at the time, and he always offered me an out. Told me I can tell him to stop at any time, but I don't remember telling him to stop. I remember enjoying the physical sensations. How was I to know that something that felt good was actually wrong?

Some men here say things like I didn't know what was going on, but a part of me knew it was wrong. Well I didn't feel like that. I had no effing clue it was wrong, and I still struggle to see that. I am upset tonight, and I feel triggered. I haven't had thoughts like these in awhile, but they are surfacing right now and I don't like it. I am feeling anxious, and I should be sleeping, but I feel awake. And here I am still struggling with sex addiction, trying to recapture that high I got when I was 5. That intense feeling that I wasn't prepared to experience, but it happened. He sexually abused me. And despite talking like it happened to someone else, it didn't. No amount of third person pronouns can change the fact that I was that God forsaken little boy lying over his knees in that dark shed, in that sandbox. That was my fate.
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#415838 - 11/10/12 01:48 AM Re: But He Was Gentle "Triggers" [Re: Letourski]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1510
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Letourski
He sexually abused me. And despite talking like it happened to someone else, it didn't. No amount of third person pronouns can change the fact that I was that God forsaken little boy lying over his knees in that dark shed, in that sandbox. That was my fate.


Hey Buddy,

I'm with you tonight. I know exactly how you feel. You can get through this. You are right, it happened, and sadly it was us it happened to. Its not just in the past, its part of us today. But we can make a different future. I don't know how to do that yet, but I'm not giving up, and you're going to get there too. Lean on your buddies here and we'll carry you when you can't go on.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#415839 - 11/10/12 01:52 AM Re: But He Was Gentle "Triggers" [Re: Letourski]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey Letourski

I was about the same age when I was first abused and 'he was gentle' with me. I have the same problem you have with sometimes feeling that it wasn't abuse or it wasn't that bad......BUT IT WAS!!! I didn't know it was wrong either and so much happened after that I have only just realised was also wrong. Sexual abuse was my normal. This 'Gentle' CSA has impacted my life in such a destructive way and lead me to make some really bad choices for which I will be paying for for the rest of my life.

I am sorry you are feeling triggered tonight. I know what that anxiety feels like all to well (last week).

I guess all I can offer is that you are not alone in this. I have felt the exact same way.

Hang in there man - it will pass.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#415844 - 11/10/12 05:04 AM Re: But He Was Gentle "Triggers" [Re: Letourski]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I feel that way too, from what I remember it wasn't coerced and it did feel good. What makes it harder in my situation is that my brother was close in age (3 1/2 years). It's not like he was an adult. In someways at 16 he was just a kid too. He however was more mature and knowledgeable than I was. Even telling myself that a part of me says it wasn't wrong it was just experimentation.

Unfortunately, I had earlier traumas, so I can't even say well look how it effected me because I can't say for sure that my problems are due to that and not other things from my past.

Jason
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#415865 - 11/10/12 02:03 PM Re: But He Was Gentle "Triggers" [Re: Letourski]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 842
Loc: Kc,Mo
I got to tell you guys this is what made it so dam confusing because the warning systems went off but we did not yet no how to interpret these types of feelings because we had no clue because these are people who are suppose to protect us so that part is at war with the reality of what was happening . It is plainly put MANIPULATION
I mean these people no what is good for us right ? These adults no what is best for us .
so interpreting those automatically built in trust feelings were completely discombobulated

This is why it is so confusing because throw in how good it felt and BAM you have the PERFECT STORM

Just no that the responsibility lies on THEM and them only . They manipulated us because THEY knew it was wrong They knew what they were doing was misusing the trust and responsibility they had over us Children

whether it felt good or not this is all on them of course it felt good . But it was wrong and of course you are entitled to feel angry and all these things

work through it and feel
it sucks but it is also healing
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#416146 - 11/13/12 03:07 PM Re: But He Was Gentle "Triggers" [Re: Letourski]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
Hey there Letourski! I've been actually feeling triggered myself almost everyday lately, and I can completely relate with you. For me, my abuse was mainly by men online for many years as I was a young teen and then men in person when I was older (and drunk). I felt that it was wrong, but "let" it happen at the same time, because like you said, it was how my body was supposed to react. I knew from a young age I was gay and liked "men", but I didn't know that just because I liked adult men at 12, 13 years old, that did not make it ok for me to actually get involved sexually with them. I feel much guilt about that too. I did not know how to make it stop, and for me, that was how I expressed my sexuality- by "letting" countless men take advantage of me- for 6 years.

But I have realised now how wrong it was, and I realise like you, why it is so confusing to fully relinquish guilt. Often when I feel triggered, I also become hyper-sexual... if not with men in person, than masturbating- to the point where my body is in much physical pain. I don't know what it is I am doing, but my mind does not want what my body feels compelled to do, and the whole time it is very confusing and painful physically and emotionally .... I am living a cycle, but seeing your post makes me realise- as it should yourself- that WE are not alone. We are not to blame. And WE have the power to work on our pain and move on from it.

I wish I had more than my experiences to contribute at this point, but it is comforting to know that we are not in this alone.
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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#416160 - 11/13/12 05:14 PM Re: But He Was Gentle "Triggers" [Re: Letourski]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1626
I understand. I am triggered frequently since the visit to the place of the abuse. the sensations are painful but part of me sees pleasure in what was done. part of me was there and part of me was not there. thses feelings so opposite, so conflicting. why do i feel there was some pleasure there and then feel sick from what happened. these conflicting feelings send me away. now i see him and the child crying or is he smiling? i am so confused. he should be crying but why isn't he. how can i have two eyes looking at the same memory so differently. i am lost and bewildered. i hurt inside but hope it is not so that any pleasure came from this abuse. am i alone in feeling this way.

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#416161 - 11/13/12 05:18 PM Re: But He Was Gentle "Triggers" [Re: KMCINVA]
JayBro Offline


Registered: 11/13/12
Posts: 246
Loc: Germany
You certainly are not alone

HUGS
_________________________
,,Nun ging es immerzu, weit, weit bis an der Welt Ende."

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