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#416063 - 11/12/12 06:30 PM hello
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 181
Loc: Puget Sound

Good Day gents! Hope all is well; Iíve lurked here for some time realizing how complete my denial was; just a little bit of sexual ambiguity in my teens nothing more, but Iím finally getting better! After 40+ years of self-imposed denial Iím here telling the world that my very first memory is of my rape by my grandfather. At what age this happened at Iím still not sure just know 3 things; eventually my father found out and it destroyed our relationship; he was a devout man and viewed everything through religion, not faith, guess thatís why Iím an atheist; second it destroyed my life until I met the greatest women on the planet, lastly the last time he raped me I was 7 years old. Iíve known all my life; just couldnít face it; too much anger towards my family; my dadís revenge because I turned my back on religion at the age of 4; your dad raped me how could this be work of god; he didnít care anymore neither did my mom, how could you ever let your son be alone again with him? Not just once either but multiple times over the years; he would always relish getting ahold of his little sissy again itís been sooo long!!! It wasnít just me either my aunt and her family lived with my grandparents too, my older cousin by 9 months was his victim also; he found out one day how great it was to play one against the other; the only problem is that me and my cousin rather than turn against each other, we really cared about each other; it would just be a matter of time before he would turn the tables on us; true altruistic love between cousins before the age of 5; wow! It was really sad that my cousinís older sister came home from school one day early and caught me going down on him; my cousin was in the room but not actively participating; kinda hard when a grown man is holding you down and has a gun to your head(literally); so I was the abused, lucky or unlucky she was never inquistioned like I was; she wasnít violated(not true); and that was it; I was poisoned, she was pure, these monsters that are out there its them, not me I was an infant; yeah Iím sure I looked mighty hot in that diaper. Hugh!!! I can get over his actions but the actions of my mother and father are so reprehensible that theyíre as bad as what he did; they robbed the rest of my life until I found the greatest person on the planet; my wife!
See it all comes back to karma for me; itís how I rationalize my childhood; everything happened so that I could meet my wife; be together, raise 2 awesome boys, and then I would have the time to deal with this nightmare that Iíve been repressing for 40+ years.

Finally because of all the pain ďIím oneĒ and would never ever want to go back to denial; Iím a man now; I was raped as a boy but Iím a man now! Iím a man now; I was raped as a boy but Iím a man now! Iím a man now; I was raped as a boy but Iím a man now!
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#416066 - 11/12/12 07:48 PM Re: hello [Re: cosmos]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3373
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Welcome, Cosmos!

good job on the intro!

hope you find something of value here.

we are all here for each other - and you are among those who understand.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#416067 - 11/12/12 07:52 PM Re: hello [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 181
Loc: Puget Sound
thank you
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#416074 - 11/12/12 09:47 PM Re: hello [Re: cosmos]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome!

I'm glad you finally posted- how's it feel to share?

It's powerful and encouraging to read your story!
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ďIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#416075 - 11/12/12 09:58 PM Re: hello [Re: cosmos]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
Hello brother,

Been a while since I've been on here...but like you...found the most amazing woman that has helped me to finally deal with it after 35 years.

I've been in counseling a little over a year now and am doing better. I've found EMDR therapy to be particularly helpful in helping me process and recover things my brain had told me not to remember.

It hasn't been easy....but it HAS been worth it. Welcome to a tremendous group of men.

L2LMe

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#416084 - 11/13/12 12:39 AM Re: hello [Re: cosmos]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1510
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: cosmos
Iím a man now; I was raped as a boy but Iím a man now! Iím a man now; I was raped as a boy but Iím a man now! Iím a man now; I was raped as a boy but Iím a man now!


These are words to live by. Thanks.
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#416112 - 11/13/12 10:25 AM Re: hello [Re: cosmos]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Originally Posted By: cosmos

Iím a man now; I was raped as a boy but Iím a man now! Iím a man now; I was raped as a boy but Iím a man now! Iím a man now; I was raped as a boy but Iím a man now!


Hello Cosmos,

I believe that I was raped by a man of my grandfather's age at the same age you were raped, although I have no memory of it.

And your closing lines, quoted above, are my new mantra. I, like you, was raped as a boy but I'm a man now. Raped as a boy but a man now.

There's part of me that feels that I'm still a raped boy. I honor and protect that part of me, but he also needs to realize that it's safe now. That he is a man now because he is me.

Congrats on finding a wife and raising a family. Don't ever take that for granted; some of us aren't as lucky.

PM me if you ever need to talk.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#416114 - 11/13/12 10:58 AM Re: hello [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 181
Loc: Puget Sound
See thatís just it; I feel so lucky just to be alive; I spent years where the only thing that kept me going was the thought that no matter what my wife would not voluntarily leave me by myself with 2 kids to raise; so how could I take the easy way out? Iím still not convinced that after telling her sheís not filling for divorce as I write this; sheís being supportive but Iím as insecure as ever; hey at least our sons are over 18 so no child support!!!
The thing is that I travel for work 45+ weeks a year so our relationship is always on the fone or email; so like now Iím on the road in DC traveling to Chicago today and NYC on Thursday! She could serve me on Friday and Iíd be sleeping in a hotel Friday night!!!
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#416246 - 11/14/12 07:45 AM Re: hello [Re: cosmos]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hello Cosmo!

I'm sorry that you went so much hurt and betrayal.

You made great intro.

You are man now smile!


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#416330 - 11/15/12 11:20 AM Re: hello [Re: cosmos]
thingsfallapart Offline


Registered: 11/15/12
Posts: 2
Loc: Ohio
I've noticed that I am beginning to isolate myself and just needed to chat.

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