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#415736 - 11/08/12 09:23 PM Why can't I stick to my resolution
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1989
Loc: durham, north england
up to now, sinse finishing my phd things have been great. I've been singing a lot, lifting weights, making real progress my voice and doing a lot of things just to relax.

I also started in a new production of iolanthe, which is prooving good fun particularly sinse I auditioned for and got the part I wanted without any disability related shenanigans.

So, things are good!

Accept, the music director. she is an Irish degree level music student who wants to do a second degree in mental illness and studdy music and emotion. She's incredibly intelligent, very kind, and the first time I sang the main tenor bit from iolanthe she ended up crying. we've really got on as friends, and I suspected things were going wrong over the past few weeks.

earlier tonight I had a two hour one to one rehearsal with her, where she even got me doing singing exercizes not because I needed to do them but because she considdered my voice so beautifull. she started telling me personal things about herself,, and of course I listened, and we finished up singing duettes.

And yes, my feelings have betrayed me again! I know all the signs, and I think I'm falling in love again! god no! why in hell do I do this! the disturbing part, is that she's someone who would be right if only things worked, indeed she finished our rehearsal with a hug and I didn't even flinch, however she also casually mentioned earlier on she has a boyfriend as seems to be usual with anyone I fall for.

Why do I still do this? I know it is bad, I know what it will cost me, I know what it has cost me in the past, yet I still end up feeling this! it is my own fucking stupid fault for not! realizing that that hole area of life causes nothing but pain!

Why can't I stick to my resolution? I have music, that is enough.

It would be so easy if she hated my guts or was deeply unpleasant, however if she was, I wouldn't have fallen for her emotionally in the first place. God I'm an idiot! If I could burn out the part of my brain that caused me to feel this for someone I else I'd do it in an instant.

Sorry for yet another one of these, but I just need to let this out, then maybe I can go back to my resolve as usual.


Luke.

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#415739 - 11/08/12 09:54 PM Re: Why can't I stick to my resolution [Re: dark empathy]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Luke,

I'm sorry to hear about this, and how terrible it must be to feel like you're trapped in a vicious cycle.

I have a thought for your to ponder / meditate on. We survivors tend to confuse intimacy with love.

Might you be making a really good friend, and confusing your feelings of closeness and intimacy with "falling in love?"

I don't know the answer to this, but maybe you do.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#415742 - 11/08/12 11:13 PM Re: Why can't I stick to my resolution [Re: dark empathy]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1523
Loc: New England
Dear Luke,

So you've got a crush on a girl who's not available. I don't think that's so unusual, and its not neccesarily a CSA issue.

We tend to think every misstep we make is because of our CSA, and therefore further proof that we are damaged goods. I've done exactly that over and over. This sounds like just a normal human situation that can happen to anybody, and does not really reflect negatively on you.

Its hard to keep some perspective, but its neccesary to do so.
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#415761 - 11/09/12 02:49 AM Re: Why can't I stick to my resolution [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1989
Loc: durham, north england
@magellan, for me the friendship/intimacy confusion doesn't happen, mostly because my abuse was so one sided and done by virtual strangers for their own amusement nothing more. one of the legacy's of this, apart from my genophobia and everything else, is that the hole relationship thing is a mystery to me. Maybe I didn't learn it as a teenager, maybe I'm just unlucky, maybe I'm uggly, but as far as I have been confused nobody in my entire life has been interested in ever being more than friends,----- and that hurts!

Part of me knows there is a communicative experience that I could have with someone else that goes beyond friendhip, but I've never approached it and any attempt has failed. this is why I've tried to kill that desire within myself, or at least devote myself to other things sinse it causes nothing but pain and is impossible to resolve.

Usually I manage, but not when I go and do this to myself.

@jude, it's not a case of "a crush on someone who is unavailable" sinse remember I've never known anyone at all ever be interested in me, ----- plus I'd use the word "crush" to describe a purely physical attraction which my feelings generally aren't. none! of the girls I've ever fallen for have been avaialb available, indeed I wouldn't know how to meet someone available if I tried (and I have tried).

This is I feel extremely related to bmy csa, because while other people were learning this as a teenager I was eing abused. As I said the fact that the closest I've ever been to anyone was while having my face spat in and my own sperm slapped n my face hurts like hell.

As a young adult I even just assumed all such relationships were just friends who did physical stuff, so I never really learnt anything about the hole politics thing, and in fact I feel dam resentfull of being male in this respect sinse if your female you just wait for someone to ask you.

it's stupid really, and I blaime myself for not being stronger in killing this desire.

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#415762 - 11/09/12 03:24 AM Re: Why can't I stick to my resolution [Re: dark empathy]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3607
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Luke, hang on man.
Must be hard for you but, I can imagine how difficult it is frown
Please don't take personally but your post brought some smile to my face.
I've had a couple of good girl friends and with almost all of them I felt exactly the same in some period of my life. Thing that I felt is the same meaning not crush in physical terms but rather bonding in spiritual terms. But you know what? That type of crush is called love and it is not possible to shut it easily nor to manage it by your rational part of brain.
I don't know how much is connected to abuse. But I know that I was (and still I'm) shy person, never had too much experience in love things, and was in company of beautiful/interesting girls. Those are factors that pulled me occasionally to fall in love with those girls.
Putting it briefly my statistics is not optimistic. I fell in love with almost all my girl friends in last 15 years and I even tried with some of them and with neither I was successful. With some of them it was just short episode. But with one girl many years ago that kind of platonic love lasted almost five years.
Later one particular girl was feeling exactly the same toward me but neither of us have had enough courage to make some step and we lost momentum somehow and we are good friends now. Anyway we laugh about those attempts and have sometimes good time in talking about it. I always thought that I need in first place to get to know some girl as person and to see if we can be good friends and than I could think to have something more than friendship.
Just last couple of years and after I have had one real relationship my feelings were at hold somehow.
Please take it easy and don't be hard to yourself as only we survivors can be. It is not possible to control such feelings, you didn't do nothing wrong. Such things just happen without warning.
Thing that could help you (from my perspective) but only in longer terms is to try to gain as much experience as possible, meaning trying to go to date, maybe sometimes even to kiss girl, to hold her with your hands and so on. If I could ever bring my time back I would try to do that instead of being close to one girl per time and wanting to know all about her and slowly falling in love with her after we already become friends.
Take care of yourself!


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#415763 - 11/09/12 03:55 AM Re: Why can't I stick to my resolution [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1989
Loc: durham, north england
"dating?" that means nothing to me. I've been out for coffee, to concerts etc with girls more times than I can count, but not once anything that approaches a date, whether I wanted to or not.

most girls I am friends with are just that, friends, in fact I have some very close female friends who I'd considder as close as brothers, however occasionally this happens, my feelings change, indeed this is the first time in about three years.

The reason I hate these feelings is that they never go anywhere, I have no idea what to do with them. All of my friends who are in committed relationships just said they started as friends and something "just naturally happened"

Well I'm thirty and nothing has "just naturally happened" yet and I don't see it "just naturally happening!" any time soon.

Indeed other than a lot of pain I'm still exactly with relationships where I was back when I was 18 and first realized that something other than friendship or physical attrraction was! possible.

Maybe it's just me expecting too much to have what everyone else has.

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#415767 - 11/09/12 04:56 AM Re: Why can't I stick to my resolution [Re: dark empathy]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Y'know, despite this, I'm glad to hear you're back to performing and out of the thesis stuff.

When I read your posts I immediately had another thot on "unavailability" from my own experience. Very often we'll unconsciously choose/desire partners who mirror a childhood relationship. I wondered what relationship perhaps further in your past would match that.

I had a partner for three years who, I later figured out, was identical to the adopted mommybitch. He was money-grabbing, blaming, angry, immature, insecure, etc. I was pretty shocked once I figured it out.

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#415902 - 11/11/12 03:06 AM Re: Why can't I stick to my resolution [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1989
Loc: durham, north england
Hi lancer.

Yes, having finished my thesis things are in fact better simply because I'm no longer always conscious that there is something I should! be doing and am not, which is a real relief, apart from the fact I'm now doing much more the thing I want.

My problem with unconscious explanations of my behaviour is that it is so none specific, as with a lot of the unconscious you can put anything you like there. For instance, the girl I fell for has red hair like the first girl I ever had feelings for when i was nine (actually before my abuse), but is otherwise entirely different.

She is also Irish, however I once remember a teacher who was less than pleasant who happened to be irish, does that make a difference?

I could play that game all day unfortunately, going more and more tenuous in connections, but I don't think there really is that much valuable for me in that sort of realization, ---- indeed there are literally no! past relationships to mirror this on anyway.

Fortunately a little distance helps, and I'm feeling better today, so back to the wall as usual. I'll just try and remember this tomorrow evening when i see her again.

Quite ironically, I've been learning a peace by vaughn williams based on one of robert Lewis stevenson's poems that fits this pretty well.

"let the blow fall soon or late, let what wil be o'er me. give the face of earth around, and the road before me. Wealth I seak not, hope nor love, nor a friend to know me. All I seak the heaven above, and the road below me"


Quite ironic really.


Edited by dark empathy (11/11/12 03:18 AM)

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#415930 - 11/11/12 11:51 AM Re: Why can't I stick to my resolution [Re: dark empathy]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Dunno if this helps - perhaps just the thot will give you a giggle - but one of my best friends is Welsh and describes Ireland as, "that horrible little island" - it's a WWII thing - and despite HRM laugh

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#416037 - 11/12/12 10:39 AM Re: Why can't I stick to my resolution [Re: dark empathy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1989
Loc: durham, north england
amusing, though sadly when i was in county witlow cycling a few years ago I found that not to be true,, actually it was a really beautifull country and the people were universally friendly, ---- it's the only time I've taken a small flute into a pub, played peaces and literally nearly been carried out by the crowd on a wave of appreciation! Though of course for other people Ireland has different associations, it just depends upon who you talk to.
either way, back to my resolution, we'll see if I can forget about this particular! irish girl.

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