What if.....

...the abuse had never happened.
...the memory could be erased.
...my parents had been looking out for me.
...there was help available for abused boys back then.
...I hadn't turned to drugs and alcohol to cope.

Add your own "What if..." to this thread and tell how your life could have been different.

What if...

...my mother had listened when I told her
...the social worker listened when I told her

I wouldn't have had to protect myself.

What if...
...I didn't rebel against my foster father quite as much
...I ran away before he broke me

He would have gone as far as he did, and neither would I. And I wouldn't have to live with the knowledge of what I did.

What if...
...one of my suicide attempts succeeded
...one of my ODs killed me

I would have had to live like this. But it's too late for that now. Single parents can't kill themselves, so I have no choice but to fight through it all and hang on to the hope that there is relief on the other side.

I also wouldn't have had the honour to be my little girls' daddy. That is worth a lot.

what if -

- i'd never found this place and all of you.
(i don't want to go back any further than that!)

Lee

What if...

I hadn't waited 42 years to deal with this CSA.

I might have had a happy marriage, being present and able to be intimate with the woman I loved.

I might have been more available to my children.

I might have stopped isolating myself and had friends.

I might have gotten sober sooner and experienced life without the haze of substance abuse.

I might have kept fewer secrets and told fewer lies.

I might have been normal....(sigh)

What if has been my crutch
What if I had told someone
What if I had not gone back again and again
What if I had run
What if can never be
What if has haunted me for a lifetime
What if allowed me to try to pretend it did not happen
What if became a way for me to hide from what happened
What if did not erase what happened and I lived a life of distrust, self loathing, denial, lost time, and so much more
What if allowed me to try to cut this part of my life from me
What if can never be, because what happened is part of me
What if only prolonged the inevitable, facing and accepting the past as the past took over my life
What if can never be, because the abuse is part of me

Damn Kevin. Beautiful. Tearfully beautiful. Thank you fellow survivors for adding your voice to the greatest wish of escaping, while acknowledging that we need to recover to truly live free.

What if...

I had told someone Mark's stepdad liked to watch naked boys wrestle?
I had told my parents what happpened at Mark's house?
By telling someone, I could have prevented other kids from being exploited by Mark's dad?
Did not have parents who cared?
My parents didn't believe me when I made up excuses for why I acted out at school?
What if Mark's stepdad took pictures of kids?

What if my dad didn't take the job that moved us across the county?
What if I wasn't homesick at summer camp?
What if I done more to resist the perp?
What if he had given me HIV?
What if I told someone?
What if HE told someone?
What if there were other victims?
What if I hadn't ended up in the ER after shooting Bacardi 151 at age 14?
What if my parents hadn't put me in a school that helped me regain confidence through hard-core sports and academics?
What if my parents didn't care?
What if they knew all along?

Will

What if I had never been to boarding school.
what if I had been more assertive as a teenager the abuse might have never happened.
what if I never went to that secondary school.
What if the abuse had never happened.
what if I'd been a nnormal teenager.
what if I'd met someone and found that relationship.
What if I no longger ffelt like an outcast.

What if my suicide attempt had succeded.
what if I'd started drinking.
What if I'd actually carried out with my plan to stab one of my abusers with a calving knife.

what if I gave up and just wasted my tallents and my life.
What if I had never found ms.
what if I didn't have the persistance I have now.
what if I didn't know how valuable life is.

What if I had won the lottery.
What if I hadn't been born with defective vision.
what if I were shot by a mad psychopath tomorrow.
What if I stopped a bank robbery and became famous.
What if I were kidnapped by aliens!
What if I stop playing this ridiculous game sinse all alternatives are as unlikely as each other.

what if I looked forward not back.
What if I remembered that thing called hope I used to hear about.


What if I already have!

What if kmcinva is absolutely and completely right.
what if walks a path to no where.