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#415864 - 11/10/12 01:43 PM sex and love
MissHeidi Offline


Registered: 09/04/12
Posts: 9
Hi

I have gone totally blank on the whole emotional intimacy thing and would like someone to explain it to me.

Anyone wants to help me with their definition of:

What is the difference between a sexual-based relationship and a love-based relationship? (other than the physical thing)

What is the difference between a superficial interpersonal relationship and a deep interpersonal relationship?

Why is emotional intimacy desirable, when it makes you vulnerable?

Can't we get enough emotional satisfaction from just sexualized relationships?


When instead a person can avoid being vulnerable, get lots of "feelings of excitement", and still get the many short feelings of being loved through a constant chase of superficial sexualized relationships like buying sex or pursuing the exciting and secretive "chase them and make them surrender to me" (either online, by sms, or in person). This way there are constant messages of "love you, miss you, think you are great, you are special". Can't we get enough emotional satisfaction from just sexualized relationships? There are lots of affirmation. There is no conflict to deal with in superficial relationships.

Why change?

thanks,

Heidi

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#415872 - 11/10/12 05:19 PM Re: sex and love [Re: MissHeidi]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I guess if you are okay with a series of short term relationships, there is no need to change.

The problem is that relationships do change, I feel like they are intended to grow the people who are in them. In fact, many experts say that relationships exist only as a vehicle to get to know ourselves. So, those same people would argue that keeping relationships only during the initial phase is in a way ensuring that you don't grow, that you don't really ever get to know yourself and your needs that exist beyond affirmation and attention (and sex).

That said, boy I could use a rush wink

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#415873 - 11/10/12 06:03 PM Re: sex and love [Re: MissHeidi]
MissHeidi Offline


Registered: 09/04/12
Posts: 9
Hi Esposa
Thank you for your answer.
I actually have drawn a blank after trying to tell a loved one that he lacks emotional intimacy. He has no clue what that means.
He has a hard time showing empathy and care for others than himself and I have tried to suggest that it might be because he doesn't have necessary tools to cope with the negative feelings that arise in conflicts and he instead pulls away from his loving relationships.
But is it hard to convey to him why he should explore getting more coping mechanisms (from therapy)/ to find empathy and emotional intimacy in his life, when he is not very capable to have empathy for others and therefore do not see that he hurts his loved ones. Its a catch 22 trying to explain. I finally went blank.

The question is why do we set a value on growing, knowing ourselves better, our needs if we don't allow ourselves to feel ourselves, our needs because we don't have empathy / numb our feelings?

He pulls and pushes away. The pulls makes me believe that he does need real relationships in his life.

I agree I could also really need a rush, but prize is too high for me if there is no emotional connection. Someone on MS once wrote something about sex enhances all relationships. The empty relationship becomes emptier with sex, the casual more casual, the loving relationship becomes more loving, etc. Anyone who knows how it goes?

Thanks,

Heidi

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#415874 - 11/10/12 06:20 PM Re: sex and love [Re: MissHeidi]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Two things I have done with varying levels of success (although true empathy with my husband is often elusive):

1. I wrote a list of 20 things that make me feel loved. It's a crazy list. But each item rings my bell. And I gave it to him. He already did some of them, others he tried and enjoyed success. Does it build empathy? No. But does it in a very basic way teach people what emotional intimacy is, you betcha.

2. I am a reader... so I have to make a book recommendation on this. There is a book called HOLD ME TIGHT that is the application of attachment theory to adult relationships. It is very interesting. And while the author is not directing it toward survivors, it sure is important for them because many of them have attachment disorders due to early trauma. Even if your survivor is not a reader, it is a very interesting way to look at the dance we all have in relationships. She addresses the need for bonding and attachment, and sources all conflict to a protest of a break in the attachment. Very interesting read.

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#415875 - 11/10/12 06:22 PM Re: sex and love [Re: MissHeidi]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
One additional thought, we all need relationships. We may not all be in a place to manage them, but we all need them.

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