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#412004 - 10/02/12 02:48 PM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Take care, Lee. Feel the feelings you have, and let them go. I don't know everything that happened to me, but I tell myself that I don't have to. It's enough to deal with the reality that I do have. And then I try to let the feelings go. Let them go, brother. And take care. You've got friends here who count on you, Lee. You're a good man.
Bob

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#412041 - 10/03/12 12:07 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Well, here’s the deal – I had already accepted the stuff that happened to me. I thought I knew all of it. And I had come to the point that I could say – and truly believe – that it wasn’t my fault. I really thought that I was just a passive victim that did not share in the responsibility for what was done to me at all. It was all 100% someone else’s fault and blame and guilt. Even though I still feel a residue of shame and twinges of guilt – I have been able to convince myself that those feelings were false and something I was conditioned to accept – forced upon me unfairly and unreasonably.

The difference is – with this new partial memory and the fears and suspicions that accompany it – suddenly I no longer feel innocent and victimized and imposed upon. Now there is the possibility that I was a participant – that I bear some culpability for some of what happened. Maybe I participated more actively. I feel implicated in whatever happened. And that is devastating. Especially if it means that someone else may have been hurt or affected by something that I might have done. It makes me feel like I might be as bad as those who did stuff to me. It is worse than just feeling like a dirty used victim. That was bad enough – and I could hardly stand it. It is more evil. I can’t take seeing myself that way. i don't want to be a perp - even an unwilling one.

Now I understand better the anguish of some of the other members here who were forced to participate more actively in both their own abuse – and scenarios that involved others, too. I sympathized with them before – but I couldn’t really stand in their shoes. Now I think I am beginning to get it. and it has really messed up my mind.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#412069 - 10/03/12 09:31 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Wow, Lee. Damn it. I'm so sorry to hear that. Damn it. Good luck, brother, and I'm sorry if it seemed like I was being dismissive above. You know, I sometimes kind of attack myself in my own head, yell at myself to get my shit together and to let stuff go. And sometimes I'm afraid I let a little of that crap out here on the forums. I don't mean to. I really feel for you. Sometime, when I get up the courage, I'll tell you my "abuse story." You might get some comfort from it. Or not. My situation was... just full of gray areas. Shit I did. Shit others did. Me laughing while others did stuff. Bad shit all around. Bob

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#412117 - 10/03/12 11:29 PM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
it's OK, Bob - i wasn't offended. and please don't punish yourself. i appreciate any response that is well-intentioned - even if it doesn't exactly scratch where i itch. and i'd appreciate hearing more of your story when you are ready for that.

i saw my T yesterday and got some good insights. i'll post more once i have a chance to sort it all out and put it into words.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#415848 - 11/10/12 07:21 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
!!!TRIGGERS!!! The rest of the story... !!!TRIGGERS!!!

My partial memory of scout camp and waking up in distress led to some very low days emotionally. I think I have resolved that now.

From things I overheard other guys talking about at the time – but didn’t understand then, I know there were “circle jerks” taking place among some of the guys. From what I remember – it seemed to be a totally voluntary and acceptable and “fun” activity – which I was not invited to participate in. Until that night – when I think I must have been the “guest of honor” at a private surprise party. I think there must have been at least 2-3 of them in the tent working on me – and another couple who took Tim away for his “special time.” The two of us never talked about it afterwards but I think we both knew what had happened to the other – and were both ashamed to say anything – but also took comfort in our shared victim-hood. I am now quitesure that i did nothing to Tim. and that is a great weight off me. I have no proof of what actually happened in the gaps – but this explanation seems like it all fits and has the feel of truth to me.

And that got me to thinking – why is it that it was fun for the others but so destructive for me? Well, DUH! – of course - it’s like the difference between mutually desired intercourse and rape. It is not the act itself that is so harmful – but the intent and motivation of the act and the respective roles, attitudes and emotional responses to it. On one hand you’ve got willing, voluntary, consensual sexual acts, with shared decisions and equal responsibility – with pleasure as the result. On the other hand you’ve got unwilling, forced, coerced acts, with a powerful dominator and a weaker, more vulnerable victim. In the 1st case, the effects may be negligible. In the 2nd case, the results are long-term feelings of violation, worthlessness and suffering.

So then I’m thinking – why in the world do I seek out pictures of scenarios that parallel these events? (another argument in support of this explanation.) Wouldn’t it be more logical to avoid them like the plague? Why would anyone want to revisit any of the traumatic events that screwed him up to begin with?

And I think the reason is this – once I discovered photos of hands jobs and mutual MB and circle jerks, at first the fascination of it drew me in – seeing stuff that was similar to what I had experienced. It was as if everything made sense and I recognized it and it felt familiar. It comforted me to feel that I was not the only one this had happened to. It almost seemed like seeing pictures of it made it more “normal” or OK.

In the pictures I saw, it seemed like everyone was having a good time. They all seemed to be accepted and proud of their appearance and their accomplishments when the time came. They were all enjoying it and getting a big thrill out of it – all things I never got. If I ever did reach a climax – I don’t remember it. What I remember is being aroused and then left frustrated and not being able to do anything about it. I wasn’t going to ask them to keep going. And I didn’t want to continue it myself – as if I was willingly participating.

The second reason is - by revisiting these more benign versions of similar events, I was trying to transform my gang abuse event into a friendly circle jerk or affectionate mutual MB session. In some of the one-on-one scenarios – the guys actually looked like they were best of friends. I could control every aspect of the reenactment – which pictures I looked at, the appearance of the players, how long the session would last, when I reached climax, etc. I was in charge – and could direct and manipulate all the variables – as I hadn’t been able to do in real life. I was probly trying to nullify or negate or neutralize the negative aspects and effects of the events and bring them to a more positive outcome – change the script to create a happy ending. Trying to convince myself to accepting it and going with the flow so it wouldn’t feel so much like a violation but more like the consensual fun times that were pictured. But the photos don’t really help – they just provide a momentary escape. And of course they are all staged. So now I am trying to rid my memory of the memory of those images as well as deal with the memories of real events and partial memories that leave lots to be inferred.

SIGH...

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#415854 - 11/10/12 10:02 AM Re: time marches on... [Re: traveler]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 706
Loc: Southeast USA
I know what you mean by tracking down perps from the past. I know my way around public records, court documents, deeds/titles etc. Before being triggered a couple of months ago, I felt the need to track these guys down. One is now in his 60s and living in Atlanta. This was my friend's stepdad who humiliated us by staging fights between us. He is twice divorced and is now retired from the banking profession He now invests in real estate.

The other one---the one who assaulted me at camp is also twice married and twice divorced. He lives up in Virginia and works for a small company outside of Richmond. He has two kids---one is a gymnast.

Neither has turned up on registered SO lists. Still, I have to wonder. I'm not going to pay either one a visit. I have thought about sending perp one a letter and leaving off my name and address. He'll know who it came from. But...I don't want to give him the satisfaction of still having power over me. The second perp has enough trouble with two DUIs and a domestic charge. I'm sorry for the family, but karma is a bitch.
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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