So disgusting I am. I had sex with my own father. It wasn't the fact that he had sex with me but I did with him also. I anally penetrated him probably started around age 10. I performed oral sex on him. He did also on me. He ejaculated inside me. The molestation started at 6 but don't know when it converted to penetration. Before this I was gang raped at 5 by 2 older boys I only met once. I'm a freak. My body is forever contaminated. People should make fun of me, disrespect me, spit on my face, call me names, insult me, for being a freak.

I know the feeling. Can't do anything but try to tell you it was not your fault. How can a child refuse his father? There is a reason why chldren are protected by law from being sexually abused by adults. Children can't consent to anything. You were a kid and robbing you of your sense of self worth and other feelings was part of the abuse. So sorry this happened to you.

Dear Dark,

If you are a freak, then I must also be. I also had sex with my father from age 8 to 16. My father is dead now, and I view his death the happiest day of my life. It has been a long time and somehow the memories haunt me and I am letting them ruin my life. I also feel "contaminated" at times. I'm here trying to heal, and hope you will accompany me on this journey.

These are all lies from the pit of hell. Gentlemen you are all so much more than what THESE PEOPLE have done to you. This is not your fault therefore put the blame where it belongs on them . Give them the Shame and the Disgustingness to them all of this belongs to them . Transfer all of these feelings towards them they are the ones that violated a Child they are the ones that could not control there impulses They are the ones that have gave their own sickness to you like a dam cold . Now all you can do is begin to heal from this "cold" or "Flue" that they have contaminated you with .

I no how you feel as far as feeling like a freak it is interesting that you mention it like that because just yesterday
I was fighting desires that i no I would not have if i had not been Tainted myself . Just to put it out there because I no that this is Not who I am this is not the person I will allow myself to become . I was thinking about very sexual things about a 17 yr old teen and started to fantasize all these different things and I mean it all boiled down to things that had been done to me and things that i participated in for a few yrs with the other neighborhood boys that were also involved in the abuse .

Than I really remember thinking "WHAT THE FUCK" what was I doing what was I thinking why was I allowing my body to experience these feelings . I shut it down and reminded myself that this did not belong to me this was Not who I was and that I was not a Freak because in all actuality they were the freaks . " my 2 perps" they were the ones that did this to me and I had to snap back into reality and it was a choice . I had to shut it down and move forward that is the only thing you can do .

So next time that you feel this way and I do now how you feel we all no how each other feels here . We all feel that we have been tainted and violated and used and want to crawl up into a ball and just cry sometimes . But reality is that all of this shit belongs to them not us. We have to find ways to move on we have to find ways to shift the blame where it belongs and it most certainly is not on us.

The things that were done to us take us to dark dark places in our minds whether it is reliving it wanting to recreate it on ourselves or even punishing ourselves mentally or even physically we have so many obstacles to overcome we are fighters and winners and survivors we have endured more than most can even imagine . People have not made it with a lot less going on in their lives but yet we are still standing we are still fighting it is OK to not want to fight sometimes we get tired just like everyone else because we are human but that does not mean with have to concede the war. These are battles we have to fight DAILY every single F ing day .


You guys are all beautiful people you are all special and are to love yourself . This is what you have to do . Begin to love yourself not love the quote un quote monster they created within us .We have to love the person that is not about abuse the person that is caring enough to fight this monster inside themselves to prove to the world and ourselves that we are not this person we are not full of shame and we are not a freak .Love the person that you can create and become . You are not this freak of nature you are someone who has endured some awful things but do not let it define you . You are so much more than this shit that was laid on all of us.

You are NORMAL believe it or not
YOU are NORMAL because what we went through made us NORMAL that was OUR NORMAL and what we feel and what we think is PERFECTLY NORMAL for our situation and it is OK to feel a little off . Because lets face it day dreaming or fantasizing about 17 yr old boys or being penetrated by dad is not Normal by Normal standards but it is OUR Normal and we do not have to engage those kinds of thoughts these thoughts much like our abuse were forced on us . But we are older now we have control over our lives or at least are old enough to fight this mental abuse that we must choose to dismiss cast down what ever you want to call it .

Hey Dark

Using your line of thinking then we all must be disgusting. I wasn't abused by any family members but the first time I was molested was at the age of 10. Now I remember nothing before the age of 10 so who knows what happened then. But the worst was between the ages of 12 to 18 where I was a prostitute and I was being pimped by the guy who was my sfather (surrogate father). I do have issues with that and bigger ones with regards to some of the things that I was involved in or rather forced into doing. I do not feel like I should be spat on but I do have issues with what i did.

It wasn't you having sex with your father it was he having sex with you. I see we have sort of the same thinking, we feel responsible for what they did. I still feel responsible for what I did somewhat in that I feel I could have stopped it. It seems that you feel responsible for what you did with your father in that you could have gotten out of it in some way.

I felt really bad thinking of myself as a prostitute (how I hate that word) but my T keeps saying that yes I was a prostitute but I had no choice in the matter no matter how I felt. I cannot change the past I have to accept it for what it is. I still have a lot of problems swallowing it and I almost believe my T in that I was the lowest of the low.

The rapes at age 5 was not your fault. Your father started on you at age 6, so who should be spat at? It was your father who wanted to fuck you and you fuck him. That's entirely not your guilt trip. I've heard and was told too many stories where kids will do what the person in authority wants him to do. I felt kinda funny at 12 being dropped off at guys apartments but by the time I was 13 I knew what I had to do if I wanted to keep sfather. He pimped me, he rented me for photo shoots. There were many photos of me in those boy magazines of the '60s. He also sold me to porn movie guys where I was forced to do some real raunchy stuff which I don't want to get into at the moment.

So people say to me that it is all sfather's fault. But I still love the guy for being my surrogate father and giving me the love I didn't get from my own parents. I am now in the most confused state I've ever been in. Was sfather good or bad. You can ask the same thing was your father good or bad. Once you and I can say that it was his doing we will be free from the guilt trip they put us on. You did what your father wanted you to do and I did what sfather wanted me to do. We needed their love. There is one kink to my thinking is that I thought that fathers had sex with their kids. So I didn't mind the sex I had with sfather I sort of looked forward to it, that's why I'm so confused at the moment. But I always played the little girl with the johns, I was their cunt for the night. Those sickos used my ass for their fantasies.

At the movie makers I was beaten mercilessly and even had some sort of cattle prod shoved up my ass and turned on. After that cattle prod thing I did whatever they wanted of me. With sfather, I loved him so I did whatever he wanted me to do.

I feel ashamed at what I did but I don't feel disgusting or I should be spat upon. I loved sfather, I wasn't scared of him. Maybe you loved your father or you were too scared to say no. You should feel disgusted at your father for having sex with his son not visa versa, you should spit on him.

You're not a freak. You're a normal person that survived csa and is hurting very badly

Your body has never been contaminated. It is as pure as the day you were born.

People should be happy that you survived, not everyone does. Look at my signature, look up his story.

No one should disrespect you for what your father did to you.

You should spit on your father's grave. It's the closest you can get to his face. I can't wait until the day I can piss on my mother's grave.

You should call him the names of what he really was - freak, pervert, pedo, etc. You were none of those, you were the victim of a very sick man.

Insult you for what? Being abused? Having a sick father? Your father starting you in sex ed at the age of 6. Kinda early, no?

Freaks don't come to MS for help, only people in pain do.

Look in the mirror, what you see is someone in pain and not a freak.

We all have issues but in your case I think your father was the freak and not you. You were a kid either trying to make your father happy or just too scared or unable to say no to his advances.

Be well, your a good man.

Peace,Rainbows & Healing
<3 XOXO
Jeff

Hey Dark,

Men have written some very wise and powerful things here: please read and re-read this often.

I would say it is true you FEEL like you body is contaminated.

To get beyond this, I had to fully own the things I did from age 16 or 18 on that either made me feel like a freak, like I was unworthy, or that I was contaminated. Acknowledging my mistakes in life helped me feel differently about who I was-and to move forward.

And a big part of that moving forward has been rejecting those things that were pounded into me by others abusing me: shame, self-rejection, a damaged sexuality and inability to be intimate.

I respect you.

I want the best for you.

I am proud of you.

It makes me happy to envision the man you are becoming as you work through this painful legacy.

I look forward to hearing you discover the beauty and intimacy and gifts that you have inside-a discovery delayed far too long by the abuse of others.

Claim the life that is yours.

Good quesfion.

My abusers and those who abused them STILL haven't shown up to repair or even admit the wrong they did.

I have to take steps for my own healing.

Every day.

Every choice i make can affirm my recovery - or deepen my despair and my wounds.

No one is gonna clean up the mess of my life.

And I've certainly done enough acting out - emotionally, sexually, with alcohol and escapism- to compound and prolong the suffering and delay healing in my life.

I have a lot of support today- breaking out of isolation and isolating behavior has been huge in getting better.

And having compassion for myself is a major frontier I have to live in - being gentle with myself and my journey.

Does that make sense?

I think this comes down to the difference between responsibility and blame. This is what helped me kick my drug addiction -

Responsibility means that it's yours to fix - the mess is now yours to sort out. No one else will do it so if you don't, it will stay a mess.

Blame means it's your fault, you caused it. You are the guilty party.

You can take responsibility without accepting the blame. You didn't cause it, but you have to fix it. It isn't fair that you have to fix a mess you didn't create, but the only option is for it to never get fixed at all...

It's a bit like inheriting a project that is already far behind schedule from a co-worker who has just resigned...

I still put the blame for my addiction firmly on my abusers. I would not have turned to what is essentially painkillers, if I wasn't in pain. And they caused the pain. But I had to accept responsibility for getting and staying clean. No one else could do that for me, even if they wanted to.

PS: Accepting responsibility is surprisingly empowering...

(((Jeff))) I don't have anything else to add, but suffice it to say that we are listening. I can feel the pain in your last line. I am with you friend. Heal well brother.

Sincerely,

Daniel

I am afraid there is no clear cut answer. It might sound trite, but you did what you had to do to survive. Whether that was by your own volition or not, you still did what you had to to get through your life at the time. And it certainly does not define the man you are today.

How you come to internalize that is another matter entirely. I am still learning this. I also did bad things, and I too struggled with feeling like a freak. Much like Dark, I could not help but feel like a sick perverted person. But when considered through the lens of sexual abuse, everything changed. I had to see it as conditioning, as something that was not innately me. Only by viewing my behavior as a set of lies I adopted as a result of the sexual abuse was I able to shed light on the bad things I did. I basically remind myself of this every time I feel like shaming or hating myself.

I wish I could offer you something more concrete, but I am still walking the same path. Heal well friend.

Sincerely,

Daniel

I have been following this thread and wishing I had words to contribute, but felt at a loss. I grew up feeling like I was a freak of nature, as well as a monster, because I was born with 2 disabilities, and because of the way I was brought up (severe neglect and CSA).

Something about words in the trailer for Cloud Atlas (the movie) keep provoking me. I haven't seen the film yet, but the words the keep resonating deep within me:

"Our lives are not our own. Our lives are molded by choices other people have made." - Decisions our forefathers made, decisions our ancestors made, all impact how our lives play out.

In the context of CSA, the neglect we suffered at the hands of our families, and the CSA that pushed into our lives caused us to react in ways that we had no control over. We adapted thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in order to deal with the decisions that others had made. We adapted these thoughts/feelings/behaviors in order to survive a world that didn't make sense. We didn't choose these behaviors; these behaviors were necessary for our survival.

Our job as adult survivors is to recognize that these behaviors/thoughts/feelings are not our own. They were created because of the actions of other people around us. But they are inside of us, and we think we are at fault because they are in us.

The task is most difficult; to recognize this, and work to release these dysfunctional patterns from us so that we can reclaim our intrinsic birth right. We were born with all the capabilities to be a whole human being, capable of love, connection, and joy.

At 40 years old, I struggle VERY hard with this. But when I look at all the decisions I've made, I see that I have been working to survive, and I have been working to love myself, in spite of the dysfunctional feelings/thoughts/behaviors that have taken my mind hostage. I have the power to choose, and because I have the power to choose, I have the power to change and alter the course of the life I was given.

So while our "lives are not our own", we do have power to influence the direction of our lives by making different choices.

D

PS: Should I see Cloud Atlas? I have been resisting seeing it because it comes across as a love/romance movie, and I am at a point because of a total lack of romance in my life, that it hurts to be reminded of these things, so I avoid them.

I'm told that Cloud Atlas is terrible and a total flop. Don't not see it because you're avoiding romance; don't see it because it's apparently terrible.

Go see Skyfall instead.

Cant

Jeff,

I wish I could be at the conference in NYC with you so that I could shake your hand and tell you that I love you, and that the light inside you overpowers the darkness of your past.

But, unfortunately, now is not a good time for me to travel to NYC, so I will have to make it to the next conference.

Cant

Jeff and others

I Boltik make it to New York for the conference.

But even if I don't, there's a powerful story of experience being shared here that I hope is helpful.

We all have our own paths- shedding light (honesty/truth) on my path is the only thing I can do - and admitting some tough stuff isn't easy. And yet the roots of so many of my issues go back to the abuse, plain and simple.

I have found a lot of wisdom in spiritual traditions- including the fellowship of 12 step meetings where I learned to apply many tools that I couldn't understand from church or Buddhist philosophy. I also read a lot of self help books and inspiration books and biographies - I Need healthy inputs into my life to counterbalance my negative thinking.

It's ok- we r ok- we are worth getting better.

Hi, my fraternal brothers,

A powerful forum here.
From the depths of our souls we try and understand the things that were being done to us. And the things that we had to do to others, in the name of love.

Sometimes I think along the lines of being a freak as I was born a gay boy. An aberration of God, i'm told by most religious leaders.

I am not religious, I have no time for my creator. I was lied to by my Catholic faith.
I was taught "That I was "A precious gift from God" to my parent(s.)
I thought that God does not make mistakes. I beg to differ.

We were made in "His image & likeness." I was born Gay. So why am I hated as a human being? God made mistake #2.
I was taught he does not make mistakes. Once again I beg to differ.
I was taught hate & fear of females. By the person who brought me into this world. She would hate her gay boy. He would be beaten, berated. He would have knives thrown at him in her fits of rage. She would sexually abuse her boy. He would become the "man of the house" at 8 years old with all the ramifications that go with that title. He would tell her that he had wished that she was dead starting at 8 years old.
Her, emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually abused boy would be taken from her and placed in a Catholic orphanage/Home at 10 years old.

Like our brother Jeff, here.
I fell in genuine love with my perp, emotionally, mentally, in mind body & soul.I was his all my life. He has been dead for years & he still had power & control over me. I did anything & everything that he wanted to keep his love. He is with me in every sexual encounter, it wasn't my wife there it was me and Ralph, it was a bit different.
It isn't actors there in gay porn, it's me and Ralph, in mind, body & soul. He was with me for all of my adult life. If I was sexually involved with myself in my fantasy world it was with Ralph.

I went with strangers that worked for the Boston subway system, knowing full well what they wanted me for. I did not scream. I did not try and run. I did not fight. You see they loved me too, they even paid me for my troubles $.50 cents.

I fell in genuine sweet, innocent clean & pure love with another boy. Another Gay boy in a Catholic orphanage/Home we were together for four years. We both were the same ages there 10-14.It was the first time in our young lives that we experienced what true love was all about. He will come back to me in mind, body & soul later in my life a form of survival. But I was taught by my religion & society it is wrong.
How could that be? It was about love & not hate.

Her boy would live his life just as she had taught him to.
He was useless, worthless & never would amount to anything, along with the tag my stepfather put on me, A strong boy with a weak mind.
Every day, I have to prove to myself that she was wrong. Every living day.

I still love my perp in a way, and I think that he loved me too. I just prefer to call it tainted love.

So from one female, my "Mom" I was taught to hate & fear all females.
I have lived that for all of my adult life and it's just now that I am having some emotions for females. But not for the woman who has given me 100%+ of herself. Plus two fine boys and almost 40 years of her life. I have zero emotions or feelings for her. I just didn't know how.

From one adult male he taught me love & caring. He never beat or berated me. He never threw knives at me or told me that I was not wanted. Above all he never told me that I was the wrong twin that survived a premature birth.
He gave me pleasure & not pain. He gave me love, not hate. He was gentle & kind. I had adopted him to be the parent(s) that I never had. I still love him to this day sort of.


I had done sexual things to a dog, in my youth. Can't get more freaky than that.

I was taken to some sort of medical facility most likely between 10-14 years old. We were separated & I went with some sort of a nurse. I had things to do, all the while she was recording our conservations on a dicta phone. Once I was in a darkened room &had wires hooked up to my head. On the other end there was a recording machine that makes those squiggly lines. But I can't remember If I was asked questions. What that was all about? I would never find out. But whenever I think about that happening I had always told myself that surely they had the wrong Corbett attached to it. Were they trying to see if her gay boy was a freak?

Our inner child had learned how to survive. He had to endure things that were happening to him, in mind, body & soul. Things that he could not comprehend nor understand. Hate fear & pain. From the one that brought him into this world.
Love, caring, kindness, tenderness & pleasure from a male friend of the family.

Freaks? Nope.

Just,innocent young boys seeking someone to love & care for them. Then later in life they will be reminded of those days gone by, the loss of their innocence & childhood.
Then will come the guilt, shame and anger for enjoying those pleasures in the name of love & caring, done to him and then those terrible things that he had to do to others and he will realise that it was all wrong.
That boy/man will be emotionally,mentally,sexually & physically challenged in mind body & soul from those memories of his youth. It will take it's toll on him emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually. It may cost him his life.
He was betrayed in the highest sense of the word by those whom had brought him into this world and by others whom had power & control over an innocent young boy.
He was just an innocent kid. He is a "precious gift from God." He was made in "His image & likeness." His inner child will come to see his goodness & innocense.
Not as a freak, but as an innocent, kind & gentle human being.

Wishing all my brothers here in healing to love & nurture their innocent inner child as he is you.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.