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#415216 - 11/03/12 12:44 PM iamnot
iamnotbubba Offline


Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Colorado
I feel so confused today. Yesterday, while at my athletic club, I was in the locker room about to change my clothing so that I could exercise. There were six young boys there getting ready to go to the pool. I felt sooooooo very uncomfortable, I felt like an abuser. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, creeped out.

I am not an abuser. I had no desire to do anything wrong or inappropriate. At the same time I felt as if that is what I was doing.

Anybody else feel this way? Is this normal?

iamnotbubba
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iamnotbubba

http://www.perpetuallyhealing.com/

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#415218 - 11/03/12 12:56 PM Re: iamnot [Re: iamnotbubba]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Embarrassed ... ashamed ... I wouldn't say either of those were abuser emotions. I suppose maybe some are ashamed after the fact ... just difficult to imagine.

Have not felt that way, though I have seen boys around 9 or 10 and I wonder if they are as innocent as they look - as innocent as I should have been. Which gets me thinking about "then" instead of "now" which does bring up those uglier emotions.

You said you had no desire to do anything wrong. On that statement alone I would declare you a non-abuser. I think those feelings may have come from deeper inside, my friend.

Again - if you had no desire, with a lot of "tempatation" - I don't see how you could be an abuser.

M
_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#415221 - 11/03/12 02:44 PM Re: iamnot [Re: iamnotbubba]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 751
Loc: michigan
yea bubba
I had something similar happen. I was with the boys in the locker room and I even waited to let them get ready and go to the pool so It wouldn't feel weird. But as I started to undress and put things in my locker I went into a full blown panic attack I had to leave the room altogether and just cry.I was just glad I brought help to supervise the kids and in the end there were some awkward questions but it all ended up ok. sorry you had to deal with it man
jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#415257 - 11/04/12 01:37 AM Re: iamnot [Re: iamnotbubba]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3355
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i totally feel that.

a couple of weeks ago at school i walked in on a couple of freshmen changing in a rest room after PE and just about lost it. i have such bad memories of locker rooms because that is where a lot of abuse and bullying happenened to me. i always avo8id them. i didn't know that this boys' room was being used for overflow from the locker room.

yeah - it was weird - i felt both like an abuser - for being older and being there - and also like the abused - since i flashed back to my own memories. and feeling guilty is part of it - whether it was my fault or not. whaty mkes it confusing is that the guilt is hard to pin down - am i feeling like an abuser or the abused?

totally understandible, both of you. we can't help where our minds take us - that other people might not ever even consider. it is not that we want to go there - it is like it is the default - you think of the worst case and project it into each situation. for years i thought i had a dirty mind - but it wan't originating with my imagination - but with my memories.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#415297 - 11/04/12 04:11 PM Re: iamnot [Re: iamnotbubba]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
"for years i thought i had a dirty mind - but it wan't originating with my imagination - but with my memories.:

Wow Lee. That is a very powerful statement. To view our thoughts and feelings from the perspective of conditioning brought on by sexual abuse would appear to me as being obvious, but for awhile I absolutely hated myself for feeling uncomfortable around children. I thought I was a monster, and I certainly hadn't wanted any of those feelings.

I am slow to "learn" emotionally, I consider myself a very intelligent person, but emotional learning often eludes me. Every once in awhile I am struck with an insight that I may have known on an intellectual level, but have not felt it click emotionally. Your bit of insight filled a gap. I wish I had known this when I said to myself "I would rather die than hurt anyone else". The pain then was almost too much to bear. I hung in there with the reassurance of my loved ones that I am a good man who is not going to hurt anybody, but for awhile my thoughts and feelings led me to believe the opposite. I chose not to listen to those thoughts.

Now I know for sure where they come from. And this knowing comes from a deep emotional center. Thank you Lee for saying what you did.

Daniel,
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I am the warrior.

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#415340 - 11/04/12 10:08 PM Re: iamnot [Re: iamnotbubba]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3355
Loc: somewhere in Africa
hey, Daniel!

glad that helped. it is amazing to me that something so simple as sharing something - that didn't seems to me to be that significant at the time - can mean so much to someone else.

i have had that experience here too - someone will use a particular word or phrase that resonates or connects with me in some deep way. and it may have been totally unconscious on their part that they were speaking so directly to my need.

it is a good encouragement to keep participating in the dialogues - you never know who you might be helping in a really meaningful way. i know you have done it for me, too!

thanks,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#415351 - 11/05/12 12:24 AM Re: iamnot [Re: traveler]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6843
Loc: USA
?



Edited by pufferfish (11/05/12 01:17 AM)

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#415397 - 11/05/12 12:08 PM * [Re: iamnotbubba]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:53 PM)

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#415818 - 11/09/12 08:24 PM Re: iamnot [Re: iamnotbubba]
iamnotbubba Offline


Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Colorado
PHEW!!! Thanks!
_________________________
iamnotbubba

http://www.perpetuallyhealing.com/

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