"for years i thought i had a dirty mind - but it wan't originating with my imagination - but with my memories.:
Wow Lee. That is a very powerful statement. To view our thoughts and feelings from the perspective of conditioning brought on by sexual abuse would appear to me as being obvious, but for awhile I absolutely hated myself for feeling uncomfortable around children. I thought I was a monster, and I certainly hadn't wanted any of those feelings.
I am slow to "learn" emotionally, I consider myself a very intelligent person, but emotional learning often eludes me. Every once in awhile I am struck with an insight that I may have known on an intellectual level, but have not felt it click emotionally. Your bit of insight filled a gap. I wish I had known this when I said to myself "I would rather die than hurt anyone else". The pain then was almost too much to bear. I hung in there with the reassurance of my loved ones that I am a good man who is not going to hurt anybody, but for awhile my thoughts and feelings led me to believe the opposite. I chose not to listen to those thoughts.
Now I know for sure where they come from. And this knowing comes from a deep emotional center. Thank you Lee for saying what you did.
I am the warrior.