Unfortunately, there are no groups for male CSA survivors in my local area (at least none that I have found after looking awhile). It sucks. In my searching I am pretty sure I even found a group for people who recently lost a pet...I don't mean to make light of other people's suffering or need for group therapy. I am merel upset I could not find one for me when there appear to be so many others for a myriad of different kinds of survivors and struggles.

Well, I decided to attend a "general issues" group at a local Christian church. Being non-Christian quickly became an obstacle as the first 90 minutes of the meeting was worship. Furthermore, they utilize a 12 step biblical program for every aspect of one's recovery. Now I believe faith can be instrumental in the healing process for religious individuals but I was uncomfortable with their approach. However, I vehemently disagree with this particular group's first principles and methodology. Namely, the facilitator suggested our problems (addictions, compulsive behaviors, mental struggles) stemmed from our inherent sinfulness and that the only solution was letting Jesus Christ into our heart.

On top of this a few people spoke about their problems (SSA, co-dependency, alcoholism) and attributed their problems to difficulties in childhood...I am not even kidding you or exaggerating what was said they spoke shortly in attributing their problems to non-specific childhood issues. I mean they even had a pamphlet on SSA that was written like something out of TV's American Horror Story: Asylum among other issues CSA survivors often face. That being said they were all very kind and supportive but it was extremely difficult for me to feel like I was in a group of people who did not understand me/were not ready yet to face their problems/genuinely believed the problem had to do with us and not what was done to us.

The whole original sin/accepting Jesus part actually made me angry because recovery invariably includes some measure of relapse, but what happens if you believe accepting Jesus into your heart is supposed to cure you but you still relapse? Couple this belief with the attitude that your struggles originate from the darkness of your own soul and you might see why I was upset. After all, what conclusion does one reach given the following:

1. I am inherently evil therefore I do these things
2. Accepting Jesus into my heart will heal me, not myself
3. I am relapsing again and again

Frankly, I imagine a number of individuals such as ourselves and others might come to the conclusion that he/she is not only evil but beyond redemption/God's grace and therefore is faced with a hopeless situation...

There is an old Latin saying "Corruptio Optima Pessima," which translates into "corruption of the best is the worst." That is how I felt most of the meeting and in spite of their best intentions ("road to hell is paved..." and all that. I kept quiet and remained respectful the whole time, however, I wanted to straight up tell them that people are not inherently good/evil but make good/evil choices. That, in the case of CSA survivors, someone chose to impose a great evil upon us which naturally had horrible repercussions upon our mind, body, and spirit and so on and so forth. But, I would definitely not tell survivors they are inherently evil or powerless to help themselves or others!

Was I just unlucky/foolish to attend that meeting or has anyone else had a similar experience and/or difficulty finding a group? In any case, I think in the future I should definitely stick to groups set up specifically for CSA.

Hi Publius
Well you certainly bit off a huge chunk for your first group. Now I am a Christian, but do disagree with the theories espoused in this meeting.
The choices of sinfulness and good becomes an issue after salvation but that is a whole new discussion.

What you need now is help for your CSA.
The best group to go to is a nondenominational SSA meeting, in small towns that is usually the best to go to and one that relates to CSA most.
In studies done in the UK it was found that the incidence of CSA was as high as 85% in the SSLA meetings, so chances are that if you go to a ssa meeting you will meet up with other survivors.
Nothing then stops you from starting your own CSA group once you have a couple of guys together.

Dont give up on the group dynamic, it works well.

Heal well
Martin

Publius, you are describing exactly my experience with AA/NA. It left me with a very negative impression of 12-step programs.

AA was supposed to help me kick my drug addiction, but it was all about "not using", or why I want to use today and not about WHY I was using in the first place. In 7 years of trying I never got past step 3. I got step 1 down very well, though - It left me feeling even more powerless than ever before.

I'm sorry, but even now that I actually see myself as a Christian, I still don't believe that it is that simple. We are not powerless, dammit!

Perhaps, if you can find a group that is more specialised towards CSA, as Martin suggested, it would be better, but I would stay away from anything 12-step related...

Unlucky/foolish? I think so, but sometimes you will try anything. You took a chance with the best option you could find. At least you are open-minded (maybe desprate) enough to give it a chance.

I've read quite a number of books on CSA. The core information in many of them are much alike. I recently picked up one that came at it from a Christian perspective. (the author's view of Christianity) (I was brought up to be a Christian but somewhere that ended, maybe due to my CSA) But I tried reading the book because I thought that I still could benefit from the different perspective. In the end I quit reading it for much the same reasons you outlined in your experience. I also looked into the 12 step program and came up with the same opinion as crazy gecko. (maybe not so crazy)

In the end you need to find a more compatible match that doesn't conflict with your views. Maybe the pet loss group isn't such a bad idea . (I'm kidding)

*

I am sorry how the meeting went. It seems there approach is more the old brim and fire. Not helpful to healing--even if spiritual. It sounds as though the want to bury the childhood issues. I hope you can find a group that helps you with CSA.

Sounds like Celebrate Recovery. I tried one once and that program shut down because it was horribly managed.

It was also a horrible experience for me for many of the same reasons and I am a christian. At the time I was looking for CSA help and their approach of course was specifically about addictions, even though their motto of "Habits, Hurst, and Hang-ups" says other wise.

heck that motto alone is offensive to me, because by the very word choice it seems like they are saying there aren't any addictions, they're just "bad habits" which is utter BS. There's a HUGE difference between a habit and an addictions... but anyway....

I will never go to another 12-Step as I find all their little cliche sayings to be utterly stupid and shallow. Kinda always came across like, "If you say this enough you'll actually believe it...."

So my first attempt at group was a huge failure and my second was just as big a failure (secular 12 step filled with people who didn't want to be there but had to because their parole officer set it as a requirement). Also they made it clear they didn't "deal with things from the past" there... only the current addiction.... what crap!

So aside from the program that shut down and the other.... yeah I got nothing either. I keep looking though.

Sorry you had such a horrible experience.

I can't say I have experience with 12 step programs, but I have read some of the literature through SAA online. I could not identify with the core principles. Admitting I am powerless to change myself feels counter-productive and I feel like I am giving my personal power away.

There are many recovery models for addiction, but healing addiction and CSA is much more complex than managing behavior. While managing unhealthy behavior is important in and of itself, it stems from emotional needs that are being met by the destructive behavior. I am not an expert, but a short period of sobriety (sex, drugs, alcohol, eating)is really the first step in recovery. With the clarity that sobriety brings we can begin to identify the underlying thoughts and emotions that fuel the behaviors. Then we can learn new ways to meet those needs. This is greatly facilitated by a T or even a group, but it essentially has to come from within ourselves.

I have overcome drug addiction on two occasions, and I am working on overcoming sex addiction. Over the last year and half I have made great strides in my recovery, but it has been a rocky road. Understanding on a deep emotional level, that I was sexually abused and that every facet of my life was affected by it enabled me to feel the emotion beneath the addiction.

I am sorry you had such a terrible experience. I think that a group can be tremendously helpful. My hope is that you find one in your area that welcomes you with open arms. It's a load of BS that there are groups of every color and variety but so few for men and CSA. I know nothing can replace face to face interaction, but feel free to PM me. Heal well brother.

Sincerely,

Daniel

You might try looking for therapists in your state and calling any who might have groups for male survivors or know of groups. See the resource directory of therapists here.

Another possibility is checking with www.rainn.org and plugging in your zip code and ask for men's survivor groups in your area.

I think that groups which concentrate on a particular focus (whether sexual addiction- unless that is a symptom of your abuse-, christian approach, or pet loss) are going to hit on some of your issues but likely not be specific to the issues for male survivors.

In the meantime, take full advantage of the collective wisdom and support here. This represents a community where people care and understand what you are going through.

You were not foolish to attend this meeting: you were open-minded, seeking solutions, seeking understanding, and willing to trust others.


AND you have found out this meeting does not offer you solutions or understanding, and is probably not a place to put your trust.


As for twelve-step meetings, they are for people who have a desire to stop a particular behavior.

12-step programs have helped me overcome some pretty severe compulsions/addictions (alcohol and sex). They have offered me a place to trust, to learn principles of living that work, and to develop a healthy, sustainable approach to living my life.

That said, they do not offer nearly the same understanding, help, and fellowship that I have needed - and found- with other male survivors of sexual abuse.

I can't really take my issues and problems from the abuse into a meeting designed for people who are self-destructive with their behavior (compulsions/addictions). I don't go to buy hammers and nails at the grocery store, either.