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#415477 - 11/06/12 08:54 AM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Hi Northern! How are you doing otherwise? You were looking into a new job and possibly a new start in a new city. I hope you are finding a positive direction for yourself that brings you joy, even if it is mixed with some sadness from your loss. All the best to you.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#415486 - 11/06/12 09:44 AM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Hey CdnDW! Sure do wish I could say things are awesome. I totally messed up the interview in the new city so that's off the board. I have a couple of other options that I'm following up but it's tough to stay optimistic.

The past couple of years have been so unbelievably stressful due to work and my marriage falling apart. I believe that we protect ourselves by not facing things until we're ready. It's only recently that I can see the extent of the destruction my husband's choices placed on me. I'm trying to not be a victim but it's tough. Plus I'm lonely but it's tough to meet ppl at my age and in my situation. I find it hard to let ppl in and when I do, BAM! This shit happens.

So enough of the moaning! I'm hoping I won't sabotage the next opportunity and that I'll get to a secure place soon enough. Thanks for checking in CdnDW. Sounds like things are headed in a positive direction for you. I'm happy to heard it.

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#415490 - 11/06/12 11:40 AM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1399
Loc: California
I don't have a lot to say in this reply, but I strongly urge you to go to (RUN!) some Alanon meetings. These meetings are designed for people who have relationships with loved ones with alcohol (drug) issues. Alanon will teach you how to love yourself and respect the relationship with honesty and compassion.

It is unfortunate that your husband is doing what he is doing (or not), but ultimately it is his choice. You can't control his behavior, nor can you cure him. He has to take those steps of his own accord.

The best thing you can do for him is to be the best human being you can possibly be. Alanon will show you the way.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#415501 - 11/06/12 02:36 PM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
Mel78 Offline


Registered: 10/26/12
Posts: 16
Loc: North Carolina
OH how I could've written this thread.

Is love enough? No, but honest love, unconditional love, are absolutely the basis for everything else. What the hell else would possess us to stick around and fight through things?

Let's be real, this sucks. Its sucks to be cheated on, it sucks to feel like everything you want or need comes secondary to the crap that happened to the man you love before you loved him. It sucks not being touched or validated or made to feel important compared to the CSA. So the question you have to ask yourself is... do you really love him? is it love that holds you in place? is it love that keeps you fighting? Is it your pride? Is it fear? Is it self-preservation? We do many many things out of fear.

Boundaries. Set them. Appreciate them. Breathe Again. Take back some of the power that his CSA has taken from YOU!

((((HUGS)))
_________________________
Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith some how, when the world has broken me down YOUR love sets me free....
-Addison Road

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#415705 - 11/08/12 04:18 PM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Loving someone else is not enough. We have to love ourselves. That goes for our Hs too. They need to love themselves enough to want to get better. And we need to love ourselves enough to be able to create a life we love. (Al-anon is a good place to start).

It has taken me a long long time to get here. LOVE is nothing. There are a whole lot of practical, very unsexy things that make relationships work. And often, survivors and codependents are sadly lacking in those things (I know I certainly was). LOVE between two people is a product of that, not the creator of it.

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#415730 - 11/08/12 08:33 PM Re: is love enough? [Re: Esposa]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Well said, Esposa! Especially like this part:

Originally Posted By: Esposa
LOVE between two people is a product of that, not the creator of it.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#416759 - 11/20/12 11:27 PM Re: is love enough? [Re: misscrespo]
misscrespo Offline


Registered: 12/15/10
Posts: 45
wow!

Thanks everyone for posting! I am so glad to know that I have (and deserve) support!

I want to apologize for not replying sooner.

Unfortunately, I have been hospitalized for a while. I had pneumonia and I was generally too exhausted and asthmatic to do anything. But I am feeling a lot better now.

I have read all of the responses and I understand where you are all coming from.

Being in hospital was quite scary, I had to had adrenaline shots and oxygen as I couldn't breath. Two of the people in my ward sadly passed away.

But I have taken this time in hospital as a realization. I cannot continue the way I am. I am definitely determined to set my boundaries.

Just because we love each other does not mean we are meant to be together. It pains me so much to say this it's unreal. It literally feels like my heart is being ripped apart. But I gotta do what I gotta do.

I always felt I could cope with anything regarding his abuse, because I thought we were partners and I have his back the same way he would have mine.

But with the death of my sisters and becoming really depressed I didn't realize that he did NOT have my back. I carried him and loved him at his darkest, but when I needed him the most, he was to scared to see me like this, so instead he went on self-destruct mode and hoped I'd get better on my own. Only adding to my worries.

I can see it all clearly now.

So I have set my boundaries. He has one year to get his act together. This is not a threat, it's a fact. I AM EXHAUSTED and I can't pull both our weights anymore. Meanwhile I have joined the gym today, and have been for a walk, I have done my make up, and tomorrow I will get my hair done. I have also bought some new clothes and I am generally pampering my well deserved break. Since I've had no luck with jobs, I have decided to go back to university and study to become a teacher. My course begins next year and I am very excited about it.

I have learned everything that is valuable from my mother. She has been through hell and back more than once and she is a true survivor, and so am I.

I believe (or want to believe) my partner is a trooper too, but I am on my way up, and it is up to him, to come and join me.

So far, it does seem he has understood what I am saying. He went to the doctor today, and apologized for his horrid behavior during the last year or so. (forgive me for being cynical) But I have seen it all before, so I'll believe it when I see it. Today is 2 days alcohol free. I know it sounds like nothing, but looks promising... we'll see

I will keep you updated

Thanks again for the support and love.

I always end up in tears when I visit malesurvivor but I am thankful for it being here

xoxo

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