I love the hulk metaphor Dave. It's a good one for my hubby too. I have found that my H would be calm and not protest while inside was becoming more resentful and angry. It got to the point where I wanted to make him scream at me. Ultimately, he was denying me honest, open communication because every reasonable (and unreasonable) complaint I had was perceived as an attack. He found his power in freezing me out. With therapy he is learning to trust me and communicate his needs and I am thrilled. He is also learning that when I express a need, it is not something that he needs to feel guilty of shameful for not having already perceived and met.
I can imagine how hard it would be for you and your partner considering her illness. I hope you are in therapy yourself. Ultimately, your partner cannot help you with your healing. She can be a loving ear when able, but the true support and change will come from within yourself through therapy.
I also hope that you have some boundaries set in your relationship. She needs to learn to deal with her own issues With the help of a mental health professional. When you each completely own your own stuff, you will be less encumbered to support each other.
In the meantime, I am glad you found this forum. There is a lot of support and friendship to be found here... and the boundaries are intrinsically set by the fact that it is an anonymous online forum from which each of us can walk away from for a break whenever we need.
My best to you in healing Dave.
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky