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#41543 - 07/24/02 05:22 PM Significant other trouble
integrator Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/02
Posts: 107
Loc: New York
Well, well. I found out about my own abuse a few years ago. Or, as I like to look at it, the attempted abuse. I've been in all kinds of therapies, and then, 3 years ago, got married. It was apparent to me from the beginning that my wife is in serious denial of something. Now, it is still there, and I have been struggling in emotional drainage. Her denial issues are triggering my rage.
She just labelled my rage as verbal abuse, without any inkling of her own part in it. This is reaching a stage that I am getting concerned about, since I already have been knocking myself out in therapy.
I am preparing myself for the possibility of ending this relationship.


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#41544 - 07/24/02 07:00 PM Re: Significant other trouble
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
Issues of rage are part of the process, I think. We deny ourselves, then rage from lack of care.

Are you in therapy together? A good therapist (or in my case with my wife, two therapists working together) can effectively filter and redefine for your wife the experience you are having. Perhaps this would help your wife; she might not feel attacked so much. I know it worked for me.

When my wife reacted negatively to what I would say/yell, it would frustrate me more. She didn't understand me, she didn't care. I embraced the logical thought "There are two things at work here, what I am saying and how you are reacting to it." I would blame her.

I think this is a defense mechanism I/(we as survivors) have developed. This is twisted around logic, but the victim mentality gets ahold of me/us, and I 'defend myself' by ,making it impossible for anyone to get near me. As I put in another post, I overeact like a motherfucker. I am over 6 feet tall and over 210 lbs, I really don't need to yell to be heard.

Once my wife realized that my frustration and anger wasn't her fault, my rages weren't as threatening to her. Once she reacted less, I raged less. I have worked hard at taking care of myself so I don't need her to 'fix' me, and we are moving forward. Of course, this is a rocky road. But if you have a life partner who doesn't run screaming from the idea of some hard work in the relationship, please don't give up.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#41545 - 08/05/02 12:52 PM Re: Significant other trouble
integrator Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/02
Posts: 107
Loc: New York
Thanks for the support, cement. No. I've been in therapy, workshops, support groups, and developing a path for years. My wife has gone to a few with me since we've known each other, and stuck with a Tai Chi class. She reads a bit, but seems reluctant to go much more direct. As I've been meditating and observing how things have settled, I'm seeing that perhaps this is the stage things are at in my process. Awareness seems to be plateauing in my relationship and needs a focus on certain basic spiritual principles. Coda, codependents anononymous twelve step materials are excellent, and acceptable to her, so they give us a strong foundation attitude and assumptions. Then there are other materials. I'm also obeserving the general lack of modern and scientific awareness in her and in people in general. My wife suffered certain deprivations in her own upbringing, but she is, nevertheless, open to my interest in that area. So I'm shoring up my video resources in that area. Clear thinking takes a certain amount of effort to sustain in a world bent on material gain. N'est c'est pas?


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#41546 - 08/05/02 02:37 PM Re: Significant other trouble
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I hope you find what will help you. And i hope your relationship does not have to end. I went through a divorce. Now I am married to another person. Life in itself has its ups and downs.
I pray you have some positive things to help with the difficult parts. I sent you a Private message, just to say hello. Go to your profile, and it is there. Take care of yourself.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#41547 - 08/05/02 03:38 PM Re: Significant other trouble
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
I can relate. My wife won't go to couples therapy or marriage counseling either "it's my issues" "not about the relationship, it's about me, the victim" So, I take care of me. If she wants to end relationship, it will be her choice. I ususally clam up when she starts verbally abusing me. That seems to infuriate her, but it makes me feel ok. Don't quite understand that yet. Be well stay well.

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#41548 - 08/09/02 11:29 AM Re: Significant other trouble
integrator Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/02
Posts: 107
Loc: New York
Thanks guys. Bringing thoughts for meditation and reflection with books of Twelve Step meditations, Louise Hay, and the Buddha have provided important common ground and anchors to bring things back to an even keel here. In fact, yesterday she showed some insight into her own discomforts. The law is on our side, just as it should be.


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