Here is a twist. My mother physically abused me, well, all of us with terrible beatings and emotional head games. The pecking order was Oldest sister, Younger brother, Next oldest sister, then Sam, right after their taking care of "Number One" of course.

So I am at the bottom of the pile, rejected by siblings and parents alike and struggle with what that means to me for all these years. A decade goes by, and my mother gets into a situation where she is really upset. I comfort her because I am groomed to do so, and she whispers "You were always my favorite"... WTH!?!! If that is how you treat your favorites, I wonder how you treat those who you don't like!

Second thing is... I live in a motorhome and choose to live six months at a time working in campgrounds in different states. I make sure I am no where near my family of origin. So a year plus goes by without speaking to them and my wife gets a text from the sister in law about maybe stopping by on their way through several states. My wife and I talk about it and decide it would be best if they skip us. I call my younger brother(see chart above) and we chat for a bit, then I ask him to skip us on his trip. He takes it in stride and says "well, if we're not welcome". I do not back down, although I did not say he wasn't welcome. I answered him with "Would you mind(not stopping)?" That was about the end of the conversation.

That was a very empowering to me, I became the favorite in my own eyes at that moment. I was scared something bad was going to happen, honestly, I thought I was going to be disciplined for being rude to my brother, a powerful trigger. So I let myself feel the depth and length of that trigger, and it left me. For those who are counting, I affirmed my place over a desire to be whatever I needed to be for my brother to like me(+1), I sat with a trigger and let it flow over me(+1) and I am posting about it here(+1). I feel so much better about myself, thank you for this post, it helps me find a path to the controlling feeling others have burned into me to a freedom to be at the top of the list. I like me, I am the favorite!

Sam
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014