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#415354 - 11/05/12 12:46 AM Me First
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 435
Loc: west coast
I was worried this weekend because I decided to tell my last really good friend and college buddy about the abuse and the orientation. We went for a beer (i love canadian beer) and as I was about to tell him a couple of friends walked into the bar and joined us. As he was leaving I joined him on his way back to the car and just put it out there.

I told him the reason my wife and i were separated is cuz i am gay. Really? the look on his face a jumble of emotions as his pace quickened. I said it was a long struggle to figure it out and that struggle was not helped by being sexually abused as a kid. "Do you think being abused made you gay" he asked. Nope i said it just didnt allow me to understand and it repressed my own sexuality , it kept from even myself. Lots of therapy, survivor group, the WoR, all helped me understand and finally let go of the guilt and shame.

Wow he said, i would have never figured you had what looked like the perfect marriage. Then he appologized for making a gay joke in the hockey locker room. He was in a hurry so it was fast but since i dont live in the same area i knew i wouldnt see him for a while and it is something that you just cant say over the phone. He said "guess i those big boob joke emails were sorta wasted on you" we both laughed as he drove away.

I called him today and asked if he was over the shock. But it was me who was shocked. "Dude", he said, "you are who you are,I am glad you are finally happy and quite frankly people dont care and buddy - You're still my hero. The only thing I miffed about is you didnt tell me first!" !!!!!

Its funny, I was way more tense about it then he ever was, we tend to put so much weight on what others will think and how they will judge us, when it is us, we do it to ourselves puting our emotions, and fears and anxieties in such promenced that we end up in a cell of our own making.

Me first, we have to look after ourselves first. Make us ok with us, cuz if we are, others will be too. Damn it sounds so simple, why is is so hard sometimes?
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

#415367 - 11/05/12 04:33 AM Re: Me First [Re: 1lifenow]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3710
Loc: South-East Europe
Wow, what a nice story. You have great friend. I'm happy to learn that he likes you and accepts you in full.
You were brave to use that opportunity and tell him.
I don't know why is so hard to believe in self, I guess it is difficult for regular people too.
The fact that we are survivors with a lot of internal struggles left after abuse makes it more difficult to be self-confident and OK with ourselves.
Thanks for sharing this uplifting experience!

My story

#415390 - 11/05/12 10:41 AM Re: Me First [Re: 1lifenow]
Magellan Offline

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1563
Loc: California

"we tend to put so much weight on what others will think and how they will judge us, when it is us, we do it to ourselves puting our emotions, and fears and anxieties in such promenced that we end up in a cell of our own making."

I learned this very hard lesson about how I view the world and others this year. Still learning. It is my own judgmental attitude which confines me. Unless someone else explicitly tells me their thoughts and feelings about me and my behavior, I am safer to not assume.

But we survivors make a lot of assumptions. We had to develop this skill in order to survive abusive people around us.



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