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#415324 - 11/04/12 08:21 PM too many tears
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3461
Loc: somewhere in Africa
At one time, I never cried. I steeled myself not to show any emotions. That turned into not feeling any emotion. That went on for years.

Then the memories started to return. I started to feel – but not to cry. For a while I was stuck there. It was terrible – lots of pressure – no relief.

Then I started to cry. I felt the emotions – and the tears would come at the appropriate time. They were wracking sobs that came from deep in my gut and shook my whole being to the core. There was a connection between the emotional and the physical symptoms.

Now, I cry for no reason – or very little. It’s like making up for lost time, like all those tears just have to come out – whether there is a good reason for them or not. The slightest little thing can set me off. I can’t find the “off switch.” There is seldom any sobbing or physical sign (except with an occasional memory or real event that prompts real emotion) – just my eyes start flowing. Sometimes I don’t even realize it – until the drops are falling off my chin or I can’t see clearly through brimming eyes. This happens multiple times a day – and without warning. it's a nuisance - and embarrassing.

I know all the previous stages are somewhat common. Has anyone experienced the last one? How did it turn out? Any hope for an end to this?

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#415332 - 11/04/12 09:13 PM Re: too many tears [Re: traveler]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 738
Loc: Southeast USA
I can certainly identify. There was an indifference to it all. I went through most of my 20s with fears of committing to relationships and intimacy. I had the incredible fortune of meeting my wife at 28 and marrying a year later. This was something I never imagined could happen. I couldn't have asked for a better woman to marry. She is a rock and has shown me how to love and be loved.

Now, I'm still happy in marriage--which is good because a mature relationship with my wife his helping me get through an emergence of emotions and memories. I seem to have walled off a time and place and now I don't really cry, but I shake as these thoughts return. Sometimes I wish I could just start bawling as a release. I've been close to crying during talks with my wife, but nothing sustainable happens. I alternate between grief and anger---and every time I get close to crying, a tide of anger rolls back in and stops it cold. Does any of this sound familiar?

Though I suppose this is part of the healing process, I miss the days when I had it all walled off in a dark corner of my mind and practiced plausible deniability.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#415333 - 11/04/12 09:17 PM Re: too many tears [Re: traveler]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I have almost no memory of my childhood. I only remember the three places where my abuse took place. What I remember of my abuse is minimal. I don't have flashbacks or physical symptoms (that I know of). But fourty years after the abuse things have been falling apart. The last couple of years have been very difficult.

I'm very sensitive now. I cry a lot now. The following are a couple of examples.

A couple of months ago coming to work on my bike at 6:30 am I was coming to a 4 way stop on the road and I was slowing down in order to stop. There was a truck on the right who had the right of way. He was there first. He had his window rolled down. As I slowed he yelled "Don't Stop, Don't Stop, go go go!" He let me go first without making me stop. I mouthed the words "thank you" to him. After I had passed the intersection I thought it was nice that he had done this for me. Not only did he try to save the effort of stopping and having to start again he went to the extra effort to shout the instructions to me. I then cried.

My young niece once asked for some of my classical CDs and I gave her a few, not really considering what was on them. I later found out that she wanted to some relaxation exercises and she thought classical music was peaceful, calm and serene. Some is but a lot can be loud, intense and aggressive. This is back ground for the following.

Last month I was working on a electronic circuit board layout at a computer at work. Things were going good. I was feeling fine. I was listening to my favorite internet music station Radio Swiss Classic. A new piece started and I thought I recognised it in the first couple of bars. I clicked on the media player to see who the composer was to see if I was right. I was and I smiled. Thinking about the (happy) piece and then the composer (Aaron Copland if I recall correctly) I thought to myself, "You know with Copland you are not going to get hurt". As soon as I got to the word "hurt" I started crying.

Sometimes it just takes a word to set me off. I don't even have to be in a sensitive mood. Coming to this site causes me to cry every time. I rarely can get through the first thread read (or even post) without crying.

I'm pretty new here and new to dealing with CSA. How did it turn out? Good question, I would like to know as well.

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#415353 - 11/05/12 12:43 AM Re: too many tears [Re: traveler]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: traveler
I know all the previous stages are somewhat common. Has anyone experienced the last one? How did it turn out? Any hope for an end to this?

Lee

I have.

It got better after a while. Then it got worse again. Then better again. Then worse again. I've been ok for years and then something happens and I'm a mess all over again.

I don't know if it will ever end. I thought it had ended for me, but I was wrong.
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#415356 - 11/05/12 01:19 AM Re: too many tears [Re: traveler]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: traveler
At one time, I never cried. I steeled myself not to show any emotions. That turned into not feeling any emotion. That went on for years.

Then the memories started to return. I started to feel – but not to cry. For a while I was stuck there. It was terrible – lots of pressure – no relief.

Then I started to cry. I felt the emotions – and the tears would come at the appropriate time. They were wracking sobs that came from deep in my gut and shook my whole being to the core. There was a connection between the emotional and the physical symptoms.

Now, I cry for no reason – or very little. It’s like making up for lost time, like all those tears just have to come out – whether there is a good reason for them or not. The slightest little thing can set me off. I can’t find the “off switch.” There is seldom any sobbing or physical sign (except with an occasional memory or real event that prompts real emotion) – just my eyes start flowing. Sometimes I don’t even realize it – until the drops are falling off my chin or I can’t see clearly through brimming eyes. This happens multiple times a day – and without warning. it's a nuisance - and embarrassing.

I know all the previous stages are somewhat common. Has anyone experienced the last one? How did it turn out? Any hope for an end to this?

Lee


I only cry during sad music, which I rarely listen to, or very sad movies. Other than that, I shed no tears. Crying wasn't allowed as a kid. I got yelled at for doing it. They say it is good to cry, but, I'm like, why exactly? No one is there to comfort me after so why the hell cry? I don't feel a whole lot anyway. Last time I welled up was when that girl killed herself in Canada over bullies.

Lee, maybe you are just overwhelmed emotionally when it happens and have to? Perhaps the best way to get rid of crying all the sudden for no real reason is just let it come and wash over you. I really have no idea the stage or anything. I don't hate crying; I just don't see the point in just crying for crying sake as far as me doing it. Like I said, there is no one there to comfort my ass anyway. frown
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#415391 - 11/05/12 11:01 AM Re: too many tears [Re: traveler]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1412
Loc: California
Emotions are meant to be released. Crying is a releasing mechanism. Ergo, crying is good. Encourage it.

D
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#415459 - 11/06/12 02:39 AM Re: too many tears [Re: traveler]
Papala Offline


Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 3
(Spam Removed.)


Edited by FormerTexan (11/06/12 08:55 AM)

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#415465 - 11/06/12 03:26 AM Re: too many tears [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3614
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Lee,
I've become over sensitive periodically in last couple of weeks. I don't now why and how happened I just know that some gentile and nice scene can make my eyes full with tears in second.
I think that is process in recovery and I hope it will not last long.

However this weekend I was visiting my uncle and there were couple of children, they are nmy buddies always waiting for me.
While there I've tried to carry baby and sing to her, while my cousin (mum) needed to do some house work, I even made baby fall to sleep, it was very touching.
After that I took out my small cousins (11 year old girl and 5 year old boy) for walking and later for riding bicycles trough neighborhood, at the end I needed to run for my train, it was almost I didn't have time for goodbye.
When I came back to my home I felt exhausted, there was some action all time long during weekend and somehow I got out of my head.
I think because of that it seems like I'm not too emotional currently.
So it looks like some intensive interaction with others keeps me busy and by so is helping me to stay grounded.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#415528 - 11/06/12 06:40 PM Re: too many tears [Re: peroperic2009]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers,

For this boy/man now into his 70's he has still not cried real tears.

Oh, please don't get me wrong, I do shed a tear or two, my nose will drip, I'll get emotionally overwhelmed, my ears will turn sort of a purple color, they'll feel red hot.

I'll choke up wanting to burst into real buckets of those rusty tears stored in the depths of his heart & soul. That boy is still hurt & he is still hiding.

He had taught himself as that beaten, battered & unwanted boy, not to cry..
"BOYS DON'T CRY." "WE DON'T SHOW WEAKNESS."

I had taught myself all too well. So far I have not been able to cry, the most human of emotions.

To let that boy/man cry buckets of rusty tears to cleanse his heart & soul. To be replaced with those clean & pure tears & perhaps then he will become a real man.

Pete, maybe boys don't cry, But real men do. Some day I hope so.

Wishing my brothers here well in healing.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#415557 - 11/07/12 04:08 AM Re: too many tears [Re: traveler]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
I have experienced all those periods you describe. I wasn't allowed to cry as a child. I would be ridiculed or even punished for crying. Being told I was just a drama queen. Abuse would even be worse if I was crying, sometimes with the explanation that it was my own fault for annoying the abuser by crying, sometimes with the explanation that tears are so beautiful he just couldn't help himself...

So crying is not easy for me. Though during periods of healing I have been crying too much. I had some months where I would barely leave the house because I would start crying at any time. It was embarassing. I think the feelings I had then was loss and grief. Everything reminded me of the mother and father I had lost (by realising the truth about the abuse) and it was so painful.

Still I have days and sometimes a week when it is too much crying. I can be triggered by anything, usually a smaller mistake I make like saying something stupid, and then it's like I stand beside myself watching myself cry desperately, thinking this is crazy...

Well, I still think the overcrying has a point. There must be so much crying stored up in you. But I realize the problem.

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