you were more than successful ion connecting to many of us here, please take that into account.
Yes, it is terrible difficult sometimes to overcome our obstacles and negative self image... Sometimes all look just too negative
I'm sorry man. When I'm caught in similar whirlpool it hurts me to know that it is not that I'm doing anything wrong bur rather it looks like everything is just happening by itself. Hopefully many times other people are not at all aware of my negative thoughts, those are moments when I've been awaken and trying to move from my "head".
What makes you to move from it, can you think?
Walking in nature is doing wonders for me...