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#414764 - 10/30/12 03:19 PM DH just told me last night. Where to begin?
Shockedwife2012 Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 3
DH and I have been married for 10 yrs now and we are going through what sounds like typical trust issues, emotional unavailability, and infidelity. I told him we needed counseling and am debating leaving with my two young kids. Last night he told me he had been abused. He doesn't want to me tell anyone- I'm hoping this is ok since I am providing few details. He said he wanted to tell me before it came out in counseling. He said the whole Penn state thing, and the birth of our two kids, really had him revisiting the abuse and made him realize how much it affected him.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around all of this. The abuse makes everything else make sense. my emotions are all over the place.

I don't know where to start. I want to help him, but I don't trust him. And he of course has huge trust issues of his own. Is the first step to find counseling for myself until he feels comfortable going? Thanks for the help!

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#414782 - 10/30/12 06:44 PM Re: DH just told me last night. Where to begin? [Re: Shockedwife2012]
Mel78 Offline


Registered: 10/26/12
Posts: 16
Loc: North Carolina
I'm right where you are. This forum will help but definitely look for a T asap. It took a lot for him to tell you and that is a huge step.

BF and I aren't married and right now I feel like all of his turmoil is some black whole that is draining the life out of him. I want so badly to help, but all I can do is be there when he ready. Same goes for you. You love him and while you educate yourself it will help you heal along the way. Please feel free to PM me, you are not in this alone...

((((HUGS)))
_________________________
Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith some how, when the world has broken me down YOUR love sets me free....
-Addison Road

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#414784 - 10/30/12 07:28 PM Re: DH just told me last night. Where to begin? [Re: Shockedwife2012]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
I agree get to therapy ASAP.

As for the rest, it sounds like he is acting out and, that's pretty typical, especially early on in healing.

As hard as it is to understand, it does not mean he does not love or want you. He is venting, probably reliving the abuse in some way. Acting out like that isn't about wanting the sex, it's about hurting and not knowing how or where to turn or how to deal with it in healthy ways.

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#414998 - 11/01/12 04:54 PM Re: DH just told me last night. Where to begin? [Re: Shockedwife2012]
Shockedwife2012 Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 3
Thank you both! DH has EAP through his work, and I made an appointment for us to go in, but it is not for a few weeks. DH is not thrilled about this. He doesn't think it will do any good to talk about it.

He is really trying to be kinder, give more compliments, and to touch and be intimate more often.

My biggest issue, is I'm not sure I can trust him. I've caught him with two inappropriate texts, and I'm not sure if there is more to it. I'm not sure how to handle that angle. Either of you have experience with being cheated on?

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#415002 - 11/01/12 05:04 PM Re: DH just told me last night. Where to begin? [Re: Shockedwife2012]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 624
Loc: VA
Therapy is definitely the way to go--too bad you have to wait weeks to go together. These Ts can recognize the unhealthy behavior and thought patterns that we survivors (and our mates) can get trapped in. Talking about the "unspeakable" can cut it down to size.

DW and I were married 11 years when my CSA roof fell in, and I knew right away I couldn't expect her to deal with the freakiness any better than I could. It's probably no coincidence that the flashbacks and other PTSD symptoms started up right when we sent our 3 y.o. son to pre-kindergarten for the first time. "Children are powerful triggers," the shrink said.

Good luck, and Peace!

John

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#415008 - 11/01/12 06:11 PM Re: DH just told me last night. Where to begin? [Re: Shockedwife2012]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
My DH of 11 years is also a survivor. I agree that you should begin therapy, with or without him. Be aware that a therapist through EAP may not be equipped to deal with this situation. We went to our first marriage counsellor 6 years ago, spent a year with them and then moved. We began our second marriage counsellor a year and half ago and quit after a year. We were really no further ahead after both (of whom were both clinical psychologists). The first accepted that my H was "over it" and chose to take the angle that I had to accept the intimacy issues because different people have different sex drives. At the time, my H had not yet disclosed the extent of his abuse to either of us. The second psychologist addressed right up front that he had no training or experience with CSA (childhood sexual abuse) issues, but that he felt he could still help us with the issues in our marriage like the two were not connected. This is simply not the case. It was only after I learned through this forum that I was acting in a very co-dependant way that I learned how to set boundaries. These boundaries included consequences if he did not take steps to address his disconnectedness, lack of honesty and trust and the many other ways his programming as a child victim impacted our marriage. He chose to start real therapy with a counsellor that has 20 years experience dealing with CSA and has run men's group therapy for the same through hospitals in our area. He is not covered by our benefits because he is not a clinical psychologist (I think his designation is social work), but every single penny has been worth it. I would, quite frankly, sell my home and become a renter if it was necessary to have the money for my H to keep seeing him. It has made a world of difference and is literally saving our marriage. He is far from "healed" and he still battles with addiction, compulsions, intimacy and honesty, but he is getting much better. He is catching himself and recognizing the signs. You are not alone and neither must he be. I urge you to learn about setting your boundaries, but don't give up hope yet. It probably feels like this is the end, but it can be a new beginning. A rocky road for sure, but a rewarding one if both of you are committed to each other. He risked his entire world telling you about his abuse. Make him feel safe and thank him for his trust. Breath deep and take it one day, hour and even minute at a time. I am so glad you found this forum and had the courage to reach out!

This link helped me immensely... I hope it helps you too.

http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#415055 - 11/02/12 07:20 AM Re: DH just told me last night. Where to begin? [Re: Shockedwife2012]
Mel78 Offline


Registered: 10/26/12
Posts: 16
Loc: North Carolina
Yes, cheating is a huge problem. For my survivor its false validation and a sense of control. Trust me when I tell you it rips through me on a daily basis, I have a huge issue with setting up boundaries. But this forum is helping... a lot.

I feel like I'm not allowed to feel any type of way because although we live together we aren't married. Do I have the right to expect him to be faithful? We've gone from planning our lives together to sleeping in different rooms. Because I get physically sick when his phone goes off, I can't keep putting myself through it. He is the great love of my life, so I take it one moment at a time, and pray constantly.

Finding the right T is crucial. again....you are not alone!
_________________________
Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith some how, when the world has broken me down YOUR love sets me free....
-Addison Road

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#415240 - 11/03/12 08:52 PM Re: DH just told me last night. Where to begin? [Re: Shockedwife2012]
Courageous Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 6
Hi. Just seeing your issues along the path of healing as one who has just recently learned of my husbands CSA after 13 yrs of marriage. I want to thank both of you for your willingness to share. It also demonstrates your great desire to be supportive of your spouse. I love my husband to pieces too and am not sure what to expect as he begins to allow himself to face this issue after so many years of silence. His "symptoms" are avoidance of relationships, being withdrawn, insecurity, workaholic, not wanting to have children. He has been faithful to me. We don't have any children. I'm glad he felt he could share this horrible secret with me. I'm just not sure what to do. Is there anything I should specifically be doing besides educating myself about CSA and being there for him to talk to?

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#415301 - 11/04/12 04:42 PM Re: DH just told me last night. Where to begin? [Re: Courageous]
Shockedwife2012 Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 3
Thanks everyone for the support! Thank you for the link! I don't think boundaries is an issue for me. I think he never took my boundaries seriously until I threatened to leave if we didn't start counseling. I had found some inappropriate texts, and that was the final straw for me. However, we have two young kids, and neither of us want to go through a divorce for their sake. I love him deeply! I just want him to treat me the way I deserve. I don't want anyone else! His revealing this secret was a huge leap of faith for him. But we both agree, it doesn't excuse inappropriate behavior. He seems to be really taking steps to heal our marriage.
I am not sure that this T will be a huge help. I feel like the abuse is directly the core of our issues, so I'm concerned the T will say as some of you have shared, that since dh is "over" the abuse, we won't address it. He doesn't really want to talk about it with anyone.

I don't know how to help him through this. And i don't know how to help myself through the breach in trust he has caused. He swears he didn't cheat on me, but I don't believe him. He has confessed to inappropriate conversations. I know he does it for the same reasons pp mentioned. I've been snooping a bit and I'm not liking what I'm finding. I feel like I deserve to know the truth and until I feel like I've seen it all, I am unsure what to do!

Also- a pp commented about their dh not wanting kids. My dh felt the same way, but it came down to kids, or I left for someone who wanted them. When go told me about the abuse, he was holding our sleeping son as tight as he could. He is TERRIFIED something like this could happen to our kids. And I am too. frown

Sorry for quick post, but I only had a minute!

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#415329 - 11/04/12 09:02 PM Re: DH just told me last night. Where to begin? [Re: Shockedwife2012]
Courageous Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 6
Hi Shocked Wife,

You certainly deserve faithfulness from your dh. He seems to be trying to do the right thing by sharing his secret of CSA with you. Perhaps it will take some time for him to work through his feelings. I know you'll want to have healthy boundaries for yourself and your children. It seems like those would help your dh too. Healthy boundaries or the lack of them seem to have been the problem to begin with. Establishing them must surely be helpful.

Are you attending the conference this month in New York?

You seem to be doing the right things. I wish you success in this. Everyone involved would benefit if you can.

Sincerely

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