Newest Members
mossTI, E35, 1975, Lucy, StacyR
12337 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
deaddreamer (41), hkkim (55), tony watashi (44)
Who's Online
3 registered (3 invisible), 31 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12337 Members
74 Forums
63428 Topics
443423 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#415001 - 11/01/12 05:03 PM Re: Forgiving Your Abuser??? [Re: M. J. Stewart]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
How about the abuser saying I am sorry and asking for for forgiveness with sincerity? Maybe I would listen but still don't think I would forgive. He screwed me up for so many years--only now am I beginning to truly understand who I am and the scars he left.


Edited by KMCINVA (11/01/12 06:03 PM)

Top
#415006 - 11/01/12 06:02 PM Re: Forgiving Your Abuser??? [Re: M. J. Stewart]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
A topic that sparks lively discussion, for sure. For survivors of sexual assault, the lines overlap and blur between forgiveness, letting go of anger, and suppressing memories.

"Forgiveness" and "comfort" as referenced in Bible scripture are the very words..and scriptures...that empowers many perps in church leadership positions. Religious perps often manipulate their victims by warning and threatening us that we MUST forgive and that Christ is not comforting us because we are filth and we are somehow unworthy of human dignity. My own father who raped and tortured my sister and I used religious guilt and our Christian obligation to forgive as his power to routinely assault us. I have learned it is a common power play that all religious perps use.

We have all encountered survivors who testify that they have forgiven their perps...as they divert their anger toward other survivors (sometimes, right here in forums and in main chat). I recognize it, as I have three siblings who did just that. Ya learn to spot 'em.

The journey to healing seems to be as diverse as each individual, and each person's character, experience, environment, available resources, support system, family dynamic, physical condition, ....the list goes on and on. Treatment is a complex and customized matrix, not a one-size-fits-all T-shirt. This is why I strongly encourage PROFESSIONAL therapy throughout recovery.

I'm not a professional in the field, but I am convinced there is no one treatment or path that cures all. Unfortunately, something that works for one survivor who is excited to share, can be the very same tools that enabled the assault on another survivor.

Still, I believe it is important to discuss and be aware of all resources available, as what is triggering to one may be the single lifeline that saves another.

Early in my journey, I had nothing but my faith to hold to. I had no coping tools, no support system, nowhere and no one to turn to. Had I not had religious belief that somewhere there was a brighter day, I would not have had the courage to complete my life journey.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

Top
#415009 - 11/01/12 06:27 PM * [Re: M. J. Stewart]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:50 PM)

Top
#415012 - 11/01/12 06:45 PM Re: Forgiving Your Abuser??? [Re: M. J. Stewart]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
A pertinent quote about forgiveness, which I got from Oprah. Not sure I entirely understand it, but it is an interesting thought to meditate on.

"Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed."

I think it simply translates to acceptance. Acceptance that it happened. And by acceptance, I suppose that translates to no longer being under the power of our own anger and resentment that it happened in the first place.

So, to let go of anger and accept what happened = forgiveness, then I"m all for it. What that ultimately does is liberate us from the past that binds us in shame and anger.

This does NOT mean to let the perpetrator off the hook, and it does NOT mean that we will choose to trust them again. They're still the creepy asswipes that they are. But their actions no longer take ownership and rule my emotions.

That's as much as I understand about that quote.

I will share an experience I had. My genetic father was an abusive asshole. I cut him out of my life 20 years ago.

Last year, I suddenly found myself at a place where I no longer had anger towards him for being an asshole. I didn't feel rage or anything towards him. He was who he was, a dumb shit who didn't have a clue. I started to feel pity for him.

I wrote him a letter and let him know that I forgave him. He died 3 weeks later. He wasn't ill, that I'm aware of. Again, I had no contact with him for 20 years.

Here's the clincher about forgiveness for me. A week after he died, I had sudden and profound insights to my own behaviors, how some of my behaviors had been adopted from him. He installed them in me when I was a child. I suddenly remembered conversations where he was giving me crooked guidance on how to treat other people, and judge them. Dysfunctional parts of my psyche suddenly made themselves known to me, and I felt this weird sensation like these dysfunctions were being lifted out. Like a psychic splinter was removed.

A measure of healing happened in an instant, and I felt relief. I absolutely know that if I had not gotten to that place of forgiveness, I would have never been granted that healing experience.

My final word; "On the other side of forgiveness, is Grace."

Anne Lamott is quoted to have said I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.

Absolutely.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#415015 - 11/01/12 07:27 PM * [Re: M. J. Stewart]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:50 PM)

Top
#415016 - 11/01/12 07:29 PM Re: Forgiving Your Abuser??? [Re: M. J. Stewart]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Totally agreed. No one should feel forced to forgive, or manipulated into it. Forgiveness comes of its own through personal growth.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#415025 - 11/01/12 09:11 PM Re: Forgiving Your Abuser??? [Re: M. J. Stewart]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
I appreciate your comment, Gary. It strikes a chord with my situation, where my father/perp has no remorse, no conscience, and even finds it humorous that I suffer lifelong symptoms from the assaults. He boasts that he is forgiven by God and I am the one bound for hell if I tell anyone what he did to me and my sister or if I don't continue to be his dehumanized servant.

As an adult I lived out the religious obligations to be his doormat until 7 years ago when I could take no more. In retaliation he unleashed the most vile campaign against me, filing a false claim with the police, slandering me, and persuading my angry-crazy middle aged brother (another of his child victims who turned in angry in adulthood) to seek me out and assault me 3 years ago.

Both my father and brother are born-again Christians who attend church regularly and claim to have clear consciences about their assaults on me and other family members. Because I gathered the courage to remove myself from their abusive company, they claim I have an unforgiving spirit. Truth is, I don't feel anything but pity for them.

One can only imagine the reaction in my brain when some good-intentioned but uninformed friend or relative lays on the cliches about forgiveness. It's absolutely maddening and triggering beyond belief. It's thinly disguised shame and judgement, and it aligns that person in agreement with my father-perpetrator.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

Top
#415114 - 11/02/12 04:51 PM * [Re: M. J. Stewart]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:51 PM)

Top
#415116 - 11/02/12 05:03 PM Re: Forgiving Your Abuser??? [Re: M. J. Stewart]
Jwmcd2 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/03/12
Posts: 62
Don't forgive people that haven't asked for forgiveness. That's my opinion.

Top
#415139 - 11/02/12 07:04 PM Re: Forgiving Your Abuser??? [Re: M. J. Stewart]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
First I don't care if I do push buttons here.

As far as I;m concerned you can take that "forgive them" crud to the hills. I will never forgive a single one of them. I'm not angry at them or what they did, that's over, past and I've got to make the best life I can with what they left of me to work with.

All in all I learned a lot of things I would not have learned were I not abused, i can cope with the stresses and rough times in life better than most and, I would not have met half of the amazing people I have had I not been a survivor.

I would never have had the opportunity to help or support other survivors, and I wouldn't be who I am today. I'm glad I'm me and, it's okay that abuse was part of what made me who I am. I don't need to forgive them to accept myself.

As for God, yeah I believe in a God but not the one portrayed in the Christian Bible as it is today. Probably because I know the truth behind the propaganda machine that churches are but, here is not the place for that debate.

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.