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#414614 - 10/29/12 07:09 AM a deep hole - how do you fill it?
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
I've tried everything (but love, since I don't have it and wouldn't know how to react to it).
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#414639 - 10/29/12 11:44 AM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Every time I hear reference to the endless "God sized hole" inside and how to fill it, it always involves learning how to love yourself.

There are no shortcuts to recovery. And expecting someone else to come in and rescue me is irresponsible. I am responsible for myself, and responsible for my own recovery. No one else is.

That is the hard truth.

I spent too many years waiting for someone else to come and rescue me. I've seen you post in many many messages that you are expecting someone else to come in and rescue you.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#414662 - 10/29/12 05:10 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: Magellan]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Magellan
Every time I hear reference to the endless "God sized hole" inside and how to fill it, it always involves learning how to love yourself.

There are no shortcuts to recovery. And expecting someone else to come in and rescue me is irresponsible. I am responsible for myself, and responsible for my own recovery. No one else is.

That is the hard truth.

I spent too many years waiting for someone else to come and rescue me. I've seen you post in many many messages that you are expecting someone else to come in and rescue you.

D


Thank you. I'm working on not hating myself and getting there. The hole is I've been lonely for 40 years for any affection and not getting it. I don't cry cause there is no one to comfort me. The Holy Spirit could touch me physically (feels like electricity) but I used that feeling to further my self-hate for years so that feeling on my body drives me crazy then angry. So, God pulled back cause I can't handle that feeling. I apologized to him. I don't see how I'm gonna love myself when no human ever did that I could receive (if anyone actually really loved me in the first place--I don't know). My shame is so bad I don't look others in the face much. All I've ever known is pain. frown

Magellan, there is no one here to guide me out of this nightmare. So, how did you love yourself? What did you do?


Edited by phoenix321 (10/29/12 05:13 PM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#414669 - 10/29/12 06:15 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Alanon. The rest is up to me.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#414680 - 10/29/12 08:03 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3379
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Phoenix -

i've been thinking about this and trying to find a way to answer that won't seem too trite or too formulaic. and i realized that i don't have any answer that i could offer anyone else. all the things that other people told me never did me any good until i was in the place or situation or condition or frame of mind to intuitively know it or experience it for myself. and most of the tiime, they just ended up making me mad and frustrated - like - why doesn't that work for me? so - while i could say - this is what worked for me - it might not mean much to you.

i think maybe each person's search and pathway and discovery has to be their own individual personal journey and encounter with ultimate LOVE and GRACE. i feel i have been granted a glimpse or brush with the Divine - but in no way do i feel filled or satisfied. it leaves me longing for more and wanting to pursue and seek further after that Answer to all my longings. but - at the same time - it is a whole lot better than a totally empty hole.

i don't know if any of that helps at all or just makes it worse or more confusing. i've been trying for over 50 years now. so i know what you mean about having waited long enough.

with you in the search,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#414681 - 10/29/12 08:45 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: traveler]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: traveler
Phoenix -

i've been thinking about this and trying to find a way to answer that won't seem too trite or too formulaic. and i realized that i don't have any answer that i could offer anyone else. all the things that other people told me never did me any good until i was in the place or situation or condition or frame of mind to intuitively know it or experience it for myself. and most of the tiime, they just ended up making me mad and frustrated - like - why doesn't that work for me? so - while i could say - this is what worked for me - it might not mean much to you.

i think maybe each person's search and pathway and discovery has to be their own individual personal journey and encounter with ultimate LOVE and GRACE. i feel i have been granted a glimpse or brush with the Divine - but in no way do i feel filled or satisfied. it leaves me longing for more and wanting to pursue and seek further after that Answer to all my longings. but - at the same time - it is a whole lot better than a totally empty hole.

i don't know if any of that helps at all or just makes it worse or more confusing. i've been trying for over 50 years now. so i know what you mean about having waited long enough.

with you in the search,
Lee


Thank you. I know reading the Bible never comforted me at all. Yeah, that's all nice, God, but I want someone to hold me and tell me it'll be alright not, "..and Moses said..."
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#414707 - 10/30/12 01:38 AM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: traveler]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Traveler, the only time I don't feel totally empty is when I feel nothing at all. If all I'm gonna feel is empty, I'd rather feel blah or nothing at all to be honest.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#414708 - 10/30/12 01:44 AM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
ALIVE 3n1 Offline


Registered: 12/24/11
Posts: 76
Loc: Throne Room of God
Phoenix,

I also have given this question some thought. When we attempt to fill the hole with what we perceive will fill it, we will always fail. It is similar to placing a topical dressing on a deep wound that needs stitches. The movement of the muscles underneath will eventually open the wound back open and then we need to dress it again. In the same way the actions that we take to medicate the hole will always have to be changed and repeated. We might find some actions more effective than others for a while, but the process is the same. The wound will ultimately open. We have all seen people medicate with alcohol, drugs, porn, religion, and just about everything else under the sun.

You are probably surprised that I said religion but let me state my case. Religion is man trying to fill the hole on his terms. Every religion is man centered (humanism). I won't go into the finer details of each one but they all have some perception of God that is actually correct. The major problem with each of these is that it is man trying to perfect himself to fill the hole inside.

Eighty percent of people in the United States say that they are "born again Christians". We have a definite problem if this is true. You have encountered many of these Sunday Christians in your search for healing. These are the Pharisees and Sadducee that have infiltrated Christianity today. They purport that you have to do this and that to be saved. You have to give this much, you have to show up each Sunday morning and evening, you have to smile (even though you are crying inside). I think you are getting the picture. This also is man centered. The reason I am saying this, is because they do not exhibit the Brotherly love that Christ gave the Church. They are not honest with each other and with themselves. If they are not honest, then there is no communion. If there is no communion, then there is no body. They are white washed tombs with bones inside. They are dry wells for thirsty travelers. This is not Christianity.

Christianity is God centered. It is God filling the hole inside with Christ Jesus. It is the Trinity working together in perfect harmony to bring to life the dead walking corpse. We, the ones who are alive in Christ, do the good works that are set before us out of thankfulness to our Father in Heaven.
These works are secondary characteristics to the primary hole filling. These works are tithing, brotherly love, communion and so on.

You knowing that you have a hole shows that it has already been filled. Without the quickening to life by the Holy Spirit you would not perceive the hole. In fact you would just be medicating the pain like you used to.

The self hate part of yourself is the residual learned behavior that your mind created to cope with the trauma. We get so used to listening to the lies we tell ourselves that we truly believe that it is the truth. You already know it is a lie, otherwise you would not have to repeat it to yourself. The truth stands alone and does not need to be justified or repeated.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Alive

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#414730 - 10/30/12 10:54 AM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: ALIVE 3n1]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Alive,

Thanks for tell me I'm not saved. That really helps. It's also not true. God came for the screwed up not the perfect. No offense, but I've heard this shtick before mostly from a bunch of people who could care less about me and just sat in judgement telling me I was wrong at every opportunity. You say it prettier, but you still talk in riddles and judgement. Basically saying I didn't know in whom I have believed. My sperm donor, a nutcase and serial adulterer, told me the judgement thing the whole time I grew up, too. "The reason you are totally unhappy is cause you are a sinner and going to hell!" I heard that for another 17-18 years in churches (mostly full gospel to Baptist) and beat myself up over absolutely nothing.

Here's something I learned, despite nearly everyone trying to tear me down for those 17-18 years in churches (including myself with self-hate), there's more to life than Jesus Christ. OMG! Blashpemy! No, God made us social creatures. We need others. Friends and a mate then kids. No, my hole hasn't been filled. Mostly because I've had no relationships with people (humans not God) pretty much ever and am terribly lonely and I lost my chance at kids (44 and too old to want a kid in high school at 65--lol). I wasn't allowed friends as a kid and told over and over and over how worthless and stupid I was--when I was anything but. I'm grieving over the loss of 40 years of life just existing and living in hell, survival mode due to abuse and being hated and not valued much by my "family" and raped by two sickos.

Alive, if you wish to help people like me (and others like me desperately hurting) talk about yourself and how you did with things not the usual talking points I could recite rote. Comfort people, and don't judge them. That's brotherly love and what God wants you to do. Peace.


Edited by phoenix321 (10/30/12 10:55 AM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#414807 - 10/30/12 11:49 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
ALIVE 3n1 Offline


Registered: 12/24/11
Posts: 76
Loc: Throne Room of God
Phoenix,

You knowing that you have a hole shows that it has already been filled. Without the quickening to life by the Holy Spirit you would not perceive the hole. In fact you would just be medicating the pain like you used to.

The people that are not alive in Christ do not perceive the "God shaped hole". You, obviously feel the hole, therefore you are a Christian.

I tried filling the hole with business, family, friends and even religion. It does not work because I was not dealing with the shame based thought processes that were unintentionally developed as coping mechanisms. If I did not do the tough work of developing new thought processes to replace the old ones I would still be lying to myself and running from one quick fix to another. I knew the game would come to a screeching halt at some point, but I was afraid to let go of what I knew.

God decided in his perfect timing to blow my whole little world apart. When I looked around and saw that there was absolutely no way that I could ever regain control, I surrendered unconditionally (kicking and screaming). The loss of control, especially for us, is literally a mind blowing experience. The foundation of my mind shifted in such a way that everything is new. I could not mentally handle anyone close to me expressing any sort of love. I would turn into a blubbering mental mess. My defenses were all gone, I was naked in the world without the tools I had developed over 30 years. It was frightening to go to the mall with my wife and four children. Seriously, I am 6'-4", 220lbs and very little fat.

I had no choice but to trust in God. It was the scariest thing I have ever had to do. Dying would have been easier, been there tried that, failed miserably. Yes, I will always wrestle with the feelings of inadequacy, but I know where they come from.

The interesting thing about being delivered from myself is that it really did not matter what happened. If my wife left with the kids, sure it would be more difficult rebuilding but God will help me do it. If I had to start all over again, so be it, I am not alone. I remember the prison I was in for 34 years, I am not going back! This is the hill I will die on! This is the rock that I will build on! I have no choice but to keep moving forward. I have found that even if I stop for a selfish breather, the Hell in my mind starts surfacing again. Yes this eternal wrestling match is difficult, but we already know who the winner is.

The beauty of the world around us is breathtaking without the glasses of being a victim.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Alive

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