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#414614 - 10/29/12 07:09 AM a deep hole - how do you fill it?
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
I've tried everything (but love, since I don't have it and wouldn't know how to react to it).
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#414639 - 10/29/12 11:44 AM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1412
Loc: California
Every time I hear reference to the endless "God sized hole" inside and how to fill it, it always involves learning how to love yourself.

There are no shortcuts to recovery. And expecting someone else to come in and rescue me is irresponsible. I am responsible for myself, and responsible for my own recovery. No one else is.

That is the hard truth.

I spent too many years waiting for someone else to come and rescue me. I've seen you post in many many messages that you are expecting someone else to come in and rescue you.

D
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#414662 - 10/29/12 05:10 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: Magellan]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Magellan
Every time I hear reference to the endless "God sized hole" inside and how to fill it, it always involves learning how to love yourself.

There are no shortcuts to recovery. And expecting someone else to come in and rescue me is irresponsible. I am responsible for myself, and responsible for my own recovery. No one else is.

That is the hard truth.

I spent too many years waiting for someone else to come and rescue me. I've seen you post in many many messages that you are expecting someone else to come in and rescue you.

D


Thank you. I'm working on not hating myself and getting there. The hole is I've been lonely for 40 years for any affection and not getting it. I don't cry cause there is no one to comfort me. The Holy Spirit could touch me physically (feels like electricity) but I used that feeling to further my self-hate for years so that feeling on my body drives me crazy then angry. So, God pulled back cause I can't handle that feeling. I apologized to him. I don't see how I'm gonna love myself when no human ever did that I could receive (if anyone actually really loved me in the first place--I don't know). My shame is so bad I don't look others in the face much. All I've ever known is pain. frown

Magellan, there is no one here to guide me out of this nightmare. So, how did you love yourself? What did you do?


Edited by phoenix321 (10/29/12 05:13 PM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#414669 - 10/29/12 06:15 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1412
Loc: California
Alanon. The rest is up to me.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#414680 - 10/29/12 08:03 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3460
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Phoenix -

i've been thinking about this and trying to find a way to answer that won't seem too trite or too formulaic. and i realized that i don't have any answer that i could offer anyone else. all the things that other people told me never did me any good until i was in the place or situation or condition or frame of mind to intuitively know it or experience it for myself. and most of the tiime, they just ended up making me mad and frustrated - like - why doesn't that work for me? so - while i could say - this is what worked for me - it might not mean much to you.

i think maybe each person's search and pathway and discovery has to be their own individual personal journey and encounter with ultimate LOVE and GRACE. i feel i have been granted a glimpse or brush with the Divine - but in no way do i feel filled or satisfied. it leaves me longing for more and wanting to pursue and seek further after that Answer to all my longings. but - at the same time - it is a whole lot better than a totally empty hole.

i don't know if any of that helps at all or just makes it worse or more confusing. i've been trying for over 50 years now. so i know what you mean about having waited long enough.

with you in the search,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#414681 - 10/29/12 08:45 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: traveler]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: traveler
Phoenix -

i've been thinking about this and trying to find a way to answer that won't seem too trite or too formulaic. and i realized that i don't have any answer that i could offer anyone else. all the things that other people told me never did me any good until i was in the place or situation or condition or frame of mind to intuitively know it or experience it for myself. and most of the tiime, they just ended up making me mad and frustrated - like - why doesn't that work for me? so - while i could say - this is what worked for me - it might not mean much to you.

i think maybe each person's search and pathway and discovery has to be their own individual personal journey and encounter with ultimate LOVE and GRACE. i feel i have been granted a glimpse or brush with the Divine - but in no way do i feel filled or satisfied. it leaves me longing for more and wanting to pursue and seek further after that Answer to all my longings. but - at the same time - it is a whole lot better than a totally empty hole.

i don't know if any of that helps at all or just makes it worse or more confusing. i've been trying for over 50 years now. so i know what you mean about having waited long enough.

with you in the search,
Lee


Thank you. I know reading the Bible never comforted me at all. Yeah, that's all nice, God, but I want someone to hold me and tell me it'll be alright not, "..and Moses said..."
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#414707 - 10/30/12 01:38 AM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: traveler]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Traveler, the only time I don't feel totally empty is when I feel nothing at all. If all I'm gonna feel is empty, I'd rather feel blah or nothing at all to be honest.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#414708 - 10/30/12 01:44 AM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
ALIVE 3n1 Offline


Registered: 12/24/11
Posts: 76
Loc: Throne Room of God
Phoenix,

I also have given this question some thought. When we attempt to fill the hole with what we perceive will fill it, we will always fail. It is similar to placing a topical dressing on a deep wound that needs stitches. The movement of the muscles underneath will eventually open the wound back open and then we need to dress it again. In the same way the actions that we take to medicate the hole will always have to be changed and repeated. We might find some actions more effective than others for a while, but the process is the same. The wound will ultimately open. We have all seen people medicate with alcohol, drugs, porn, religion, and just about everything else under the sun.

You are probably surprised that I said religion but let me state my case. Religion is man trying to fill the hole on his terms. Every religion is man centered (humanism). I won't go into the finer details of each one but they all have some perception of God that is actually correct. The major problem with each of these is that it is man trying to perfect himself to fill the hole inside.

Eighty percent of people in the United States say that they are "born again Christians". We have a definite problem if this is true. You have encountered many of these Sunday Christians in your search for healing. These are the Pharisees and Sadducee that have infiltrated Christianity today. They purport that you have to do this and that to be saved. You have to give this much, you have to show up each Sunday morning and evening, you have to smile (even though you are crying inside). I think you are getting the picture. This also is man centered. The reason I am saying this, is because they do not exhibit the Brotherly love that Christ gave the Church. They are not honest with each other and with themselves. If they are not honest, then there is no communion. If there is no communion, then there is no body. They are white washed tombs with bones inside. They are dry wells for thirsty travelers. This is not Christianity.

Christianity is God centered. It is God filling the hole inside with Christ Jesus. It is the Trinity working together in perfect harmony to bring to life the dead walking corpse. We, the ones who are alive in Christ, do the good works that are set before us out of thankfulness to our Father in Heaven.
These works are secondary characteristics to the primary hole filling. These works are tithing, brotherly love, communion and so on.

You knowing that you have a hole shows that it has already been filled. Without the quickening to life by the Holy Spirit you would not perceive the hole. In fact you would just be medicating the pain like you used to.

The self hate part of yourself is the residual learned behavior that your mind created to cope with the trauma. We get so used to listening to the lies we tell ourselves that we truly believe that it is the truth. You already know it is a lie, otherwise you would not have to repeat it to yourself. The truth stands alone and does not need to be justified or repeated.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Alive

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#414730 - 10/30/12 10:54 AM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: ALIVE 3n1]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Alive,

Thanks for tell me I'm not saved. That really helps. It's also not true. God came for the screwed up not the perfect. No offense, but I've heard this shtick before mostly from a bunch of people who could care less about me and just sat in judgement telling me I was wrong at every opportunity. You say it prettier, but you still talk in riddles and judgement. Basically saying I didn't know in whom I have believed. My sperm donor, a nutcase and serial adulterer, told me the judgement thing the whole time I grew up, too. "The reason you are totally unhappy is cause you are a sinner and going to hell!" I heard that for another 17-18 years in churches (mostly full gospel to Baptist) and beat myself up over absolutely nothing.

Here's something I learned, despite nearly everyone trying to tear me down for those 17-18 years in churches (including myself with self-hate), there's more to life than Jesus Christ. OMG! Blashpemy! No, God made us social creatures. We need others. Friends and a mate then kids. No, my hole hasn't been filled. Mostly because I've had no relationships with people (humans not God) pretty much ever and am terribly lonely and I lost my chance at kids (44 and too old to want a kid in high school at 65--lol). I wasn't allowed friends as a kid and told over and over and over how worthless and stupid I was--when I was anything but. I'm grieving over the loss of 40 years of life just existing and living in hell, survival mode due to abuse and being hated and not valued much by my "family" and raped by two sickos.

Alive, if you wish to help people like me (and others like me desperately hurting) talk about yourself and how you did with things not the usual talking points I could recite rote. Comfort people, and don't judge them. That's brotherly love and what God wants you to do. Peace.


Edited by phoenix321 (10/30/12 10:55 AM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#414807 - 10/30/12 11:49 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
ALIVE 3n1 Offline


Registered: 12/24/11
Posts: 76
Loc: Throne Room of God
Phoenix,

You knowing that you have a hole shows that it has already been filled. Without the quickening to life by the Holy Spirit you would not perceive the hole. In fact you would just be medicating the pain like you used to.

The people that are not alive in Christ do not perceive the "God shaped hole". You, obviously feel the hole, therefore you are a Christian.

I tried filling the hole with business, family, friends and even religion. It does not work because I was not dealing with the shame based thought processes that were unintentionally developed as coping mechanisms. If I did not do the tough work of developing new thought processes to replace the old ones I would still be lying to myself and running from one quick fix to another. I knew the game would come to a screeching halt at some point, but I was afraid to let go of what I knew.

God decided in his perfect timing to blow my whole little world apart. When I looked around and saw that there was absolutely no way that I could ever regain control, I surrendered unconditionally (kicking and screaming). The loss of control, especially for us, is literally a mind blowing experience. The foundation of my mind shifted in such a way that everything is new. I could not mentally handle anyone close to me expressing any sort of love. I would turn into a blubbering mental mess. My defenses were all gone, I was naked in the world without the tools I had developed over 30 years. It was frightening to go to the mall with my wife and four children. Seriously, I am 6'-4", 220lbs and very little fat.

I had no choice but to trust in God. It was the scariest thing I have ever had to do. Dying would have been easier, been there tried that, failed miserably. Yes, I will always wrestle with the feelings of inadequacy, but I know where they come from.

The interesting thing about being delivered from myself is that it really did not matter what happened. If my wife left with the kids, sure it would be more difficult rebuilding but God will help me do it. If I had to start all over again, so be it, I am not alone. I remember the prison I was in for 34 years, I am not going back! This is the hill I will die on! This is the rock that I will build on! I have no choice but to keep moving forward. I have found that even if I stop for a selfish breather, the Hell in my mind starts surfacing again. Yes this eternal wrestling match is difficult, but we already know who the winner is.

The beauty of the world around us is breathtaking without the glasses of being a victim.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Alive

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#414857 - 10/31/12 01:06 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
moved


Edited by phoenix321 (10/31/12 01:08 PM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#414860 - 10/31/12 01:12 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1412
Loc: California
We have the power to choose our responses and reactions to our circumstances, and therefore, can influence our circumstances.

The definition of insanity (I prefer dysfunctional):

Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#414862 - 10/31/12 01:21 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
http://www.beliefnet.com/Health/Emotional-Health/Christians-Take-Depression-Seriously.aspx

Christians: Take Depression Seriously

Years ago, a student of mine tried to explain that he had been too depressed to study and asked to be excused from a scheduled exam. I blew him off, telling him to get over it. Only hours afterward, he jumped to his death from a high-rise apartment building. The young man left behind a suicide note telling his parents that he just couldn’t endure the sadness that had been torturing his soul.

Never again would I take depression lightly. In religious circles, depression is often deemed to be a spiritual condition that can be cured with prayer. In many situations, those who suffer from depression are criticized for a lack of faith and told that if only they would yield to an infilling of the Holy Spirit, they would know “the joy of the Lord."


Edited by phoenix321 (10/31/12 01:23 PM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#414869 - 10/31/12 01:45 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2586
My experience thus far is that most churches are utterly unequipped to do anything but pray for those with physical illnesses and issues. Anything else and they just tell you to pray more, trust God more, etc.

Recently had a moron tell me that if a 12 step program didn't work for me, then I was doing it wrong..... I felt like reaching through my screen, through the internet, and out his just so I could bitch slap him for being a moron.

But as that was physically impossible, I just ignore the SOB while I rolled my eyes. People like that aren't worth the energy.

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#414881 - 10/31/12 03:20 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: JustScott]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: JustScott
My experience thus far is that most churches are utterly unequipped to do anything but pray for those with physical illnesses and issues. Anything else and they just tell you to pray more, trust God more, etc.

Recently had a moron tell me that if a 12 step program didn't work for me, then I was doing it wrong..... I felt like reaching through my screen, through the internet, and out his just so I could bitch slap him for being a moron.

But as that was physically impossible, I just ignore the SOB while I rolled my eyes. People like that aren't worth the energy.


Scott,

Been my experience. I don't know if it's just ignorance or a refusal to do anything. Probably both. I get ya on the 12 step thing. Ridiculous. I got the judging assholes who said, "must not know Jesus if depressed." You know why some judge those with problems (besides ignorance--which is some, too), because they dont want to help just give generic talking points. They were also the first ones that wanted to talk my ear off with their problems. Sheesh! With friends like that, we don't need enemies, Scott.


Edited by phoenix321 (10/31/12 03:27 PM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#415014 - 11/01/12 07:02 PM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
ALIVE 3n1 Offline


Registered: 12/24/11
Posts: 76
Loc: Throne Room of God
Phoenix,

Please accept my humblest apologies. I should have read the previous posts better. I read the "God shaped hole" in one of the posts and did not read your follow up reply as well as I should have. I then prescribed that phrase to my responses. I am sorry for attempting to answer the question with the wrong answers.

In my humble imagination I would like to think of all of us as sitting around a campfire attempting to support each other in our struggles with CSA. In no way do I wish to cause another person to stumble with any of my responses. The medium that we are doing this in is not conducive to the emotions that we try to communicate.

I completely agree with you and Scott on the stance of some churches. I had to tell my whole story in front of 30 some elders at a cold legalistic church. In the next meeting I was told by the elder, that was representing me, that I was going to be "figuratively" crucified and that I could not do anything since we had left the church. Well, long story short God placed me in a church of repentant misfits that have budgeted money for the mental health of the congregation. The staff does the light work but they know when they are out of their depth and allow the member to pick the counseling that they want to go to. This includes psychologists, therapists and psychiatrists.

I hope and pray that you find the support you are looking for.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Alive

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#415040 - 11/02/12 12:37 AM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: ALIVE 3n1]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: ALIVE 3n1
Phoenix,

Please accept my humblest apologies. I should have read the previous posts better. I read the "God shaped hole" in one of the posts and did not read your follow up reply as well as I should have. I then prescribed that phrase to my responses. I am sorry for attempting to answer the question with the wrong answers.

In my humble imagination I would like to think of all of us as sitting around a campfire attempting to support each other in our struggles with CSA. In no way do I wish to cause another person to stumble with any of my responses. The medium that we are doing this in is not conducive to the emotions that we try to communicate.

I completely agree with you and Scott on the stance of some churches. I had to tell my whole story in front of 30 some elders at a cold legalistic church. In the next meeting I was told by the elder, that was representing me, that I was going to be "figuratively" crucified and that I could not do anything since we had left the church. Well, long story short God placed me in a church of repentant misfits that have budgeted money for the mental health of the congregation. The staff does the light work but they know when they are out of their depth and allow the member to pick the counseling that they want to go to. This includes psychologists, therapists and psychiatrists.

I hope and pray that you find the support you are looking for.

Soli Deo Gloria,

Alive


Alive,

Thank you so much. I accept your apology. :-)

Wow, what a church you found. The ones here, except Catholic and those like it like Luteran, are mostly (not all I'm sure) interested in one thing--signing you up and begging for money cause they overspent on their big, pretty church building they couldn't afford. There is also a few churches with questionable teachings and at least 2 that act like a cult. One has a self-described "apostle". Yes, he claims to be an "apostle". Maybe he is, and most likely he ain't. Makes me giggle, well, ROFLMAO! Except for the two or three churches that let AA/NA use a meeting room or two, there is pretty much NO support groups of any kind other than religious stuff. You would think there would be at least rape support groups for women all over and there's zero save the Salvation Army. Kinda says it all about where their priorities are, doesn't it? This area has tons of domestic violence (above the average I'm told) and it is a poor area is why I say that. Catholic Social Services keeps saying they want to bring counseling like they have in two of the four other cities they serve, but even then they charge.

People invariably say, well, start a group. Experience, bitter experience, has taught me that is a very lonely road where you do all the work, spend all your money and get fucked for doing it. No thank you. I ain't got the emotional health anyway. So, you are lucky. You found a rare one that meets the needs of people and doesn't just do church. They all should be doing that not worrying about basketball courts, million dollar acoustic tile, etc., etc., etc. Pitiful. -Phoenix
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#415063 - 11/02/12 09:19 AM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: phoenix321]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2586
Quote:
They all should be doing that not worrying about basketball courts, million dollar acoustic tile, etc., etc., etc. Pitiful.


Ding Ding Ding! You've got the correct answer!

I agree 500%!!!

We have a man who comes to our church on occasion, his name is Woody Wolfe. Years ago he walked away from a comfy job, and now lives off the kindness of others as a missionary offering comfort to terminally ill children. He literally drives all over to visit hospital and sings (plays the guitar) and offers comfort as he can, and his work and ministry is totally amazing.

Anyway, all that to say, he told us once (and we'll get to the REALLY funny part in a moment) while visiting our church (we support his ministry) a story about visiting another church, where the BIG issue there was that they had one projector and one screen that covered their cross on the wall when it was done, and the people in the church thought that was just horrible, so they were raising money to buy a 2nd projector and another screen so they could have 1 on each side of the church and not cover the cross...... he was actually asked by the pastor if HE wanted to donate........ they needed 9600 bucks.....

So he goes on then to tell us about visiting Russia and helping out at orphanages and youth homes that were setup to get kids off the streets. He shared how many of the children in these homes, if they didn't have the home would be out on the street and most of them would be bought and used for sex just so the kid could get enough food to stay alive.......

So then he went back to the point of the original story, and told us that many of the youth centers were in danger of shutting down... which would put all those kids back out on the street.... He told us, and told us that he told the pastor of this church who wanted him to donate to their projector fund... that 9600 bucks would be enough to keep one center open and fully funded for 3 years!!!!! So while this church was raising money because they just couldn't have their cross covered.... centers were closing and children were back in harms way to be used and violated and many die due to the various STD's etc they invariably get.

Oh, I mentioned the funny part.... Woody had no way of knowing as he spoke that story, that in our church at that very moment, there was a HUGE stink going on because OUR ONE projector and screen covered the cross on the wall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what happened...... well we now have 2 projectors and 2 screens......

Ok, guess that's not funny.

I find that the "church" in america is purely by name only. We, by and large, resemble NOTHING of what you see in the "church" in the book of Acts.

I've encountered a few "apostle" types before.... My understanding (and it's Bible based right from the first years after Christ! Just read the writing of Paul himself) of being an "Apostle" is that they were someone who was 1. Chosen by God for the specific task of proclaiming the Gospel. 2. Had physically SEEN the risen Christ.

So while this "apostle" fellow may be about preaching the Gospel.... I have a hard time believing that Jesus physically appeared before him.

In Paul's writing he defended himself as an "Apostle" many times because many insisted he couldn't be, but he makes clear that Jesus did indeed physically appear before him on the road to Damascus AND was given the specific task of taking the Gospel to the Gentile (non-hebrew) people.

Anyway, all this doesn't touch on that deep hole/God shaped hole deal.

I went back the read the posts in the thread to make sure I knew what had been said already.... I do believe, just be seeing a huge and drastic difference in the Phoenix I saw when you first came to MS, to the one I see now, I do believe that "God Shaped" hole has been filled.

I know from personal experience and the fact that I still feel like swill cheese, that there are OTHER holes in our lives. Holes from our wounds, neglect, abuse. Some I think we create ourselves as we try to strive and fill various holes in any way we can just because they hurt so much.

I know and I've learned that only God can fill all those other holes and bring healing. Although it's not always in the way we think it'll happen or on the timetable we want. I've been praying for many many years for a relationship of some sort where I could trust enough to be able to really open my heart and share anything and everything.....

The answer so far (and this was just recently figured out sadly) is all this time I've been struggling with it, God's been trying to get me to trust Him first and foremost. I need to trust Him to heal me, to bring whatever it is I need into my life when I need it, and to trust that He knows better than I do the proper order and proper time to put all those pieces back together.

Easy? No.... I want to scream and break things most days.... just like a little child who wants it his way right away. :-)

I thank God for His wonderful grace and patience. I'd have lost it long ago if it was one of my kids for sure.

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#415076 - 11/02/12 11:32 AM Re: a deep hole - how do you fill it? [Re: JustScott]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Scott,

That is what most churches worry about--the experience like watching a Taylor Swift (love her stuff) concert. That's why I don't watch them on TV (that and the begging for money 24/7 - 'PLEASE, SEND YOUR DONATION SO WE CAN CONTINUE TO BEG FOR YOUR CASH. I NEED A NEW WING ON MY AIRPORT!!! LOL).

I don't watch TBN on principle since that old guy had sex (RAPED!) with an underage boy and paid him off $350,000 approx. If that stuff helps people on tv, that's cool. Not my thing. The church with the Apostle is the cultish one here. They all have the name on their cars and if you ask them where they go, they all say, "I go to the <NAME>!" Not putting my location in public. Too many also tie any help to membership. Few work together.

There is nothing wrong with a nice church building if you are meeting the community's needs. If your pastor is preaching about tithes every other week in an ultra-modern building, something is wrong. Churches that meet the needs of the community in which they serve I don't think have money problems often just rarely. The Catholic Church is having money problems because all their sinning.

God knocked Paul off his camel. Paul was single, not because he had to be, but because all his sinning. God didn't care, Paul couldn't forgive himself. His deal of getting Christians to deny Christ then kill them was the chief sin of his. So, he traveled far and wide to bring more in as his own penance. We are not meant to be single. Eunuchs are very, very rare. Just look at all the child rape going on in the RC and see that that singlehood is baloney. Get married or burn, the Bible says.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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