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#386066 - 02/16/12 03:21 PM Insult to Adult Survivors
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
I was surfing around on the net and I found something called the "10 Daily Affirmations for Male Survivors". I thought it might be a good thing to look at and possibly copy for my own look.

As I got to looking at it I noticed number seven stated:
Quote:
7.I commit to connecting to the boy inside me today so we can play, laugh and experience joy together, even if just for a minute or two.

I feel slapped in the face by this. I am a male survivor of trauma. I don't need to "connect to the boy inside me". I had a great childhood and great memories of the same. When are people going to realize that adult men can be traumatized too?

I guess I am looking to see if my feelings are valid or not. Does anyone else get pissed when they get hounded about the "inner child" crap?

Brian

_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#386071 - 02/16/12 04:04 PM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: LN3(SS)]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Hey Brian,
The other day l was walking down the lava roads here on The Big Island Hawaii in the ultra-remote off grid community l live carrying a five gallon bucket A friend and his wife drove into view and when they stopped to offer me a ride l put my bucket in the truck bed and hopped in the cab next to Jenny.
Dan looked at me and said, "When l first saw you up the road l thought you were walking with a small child holding his hand."
Without a thought l told him, "l was...it was me walking with my inner child just the two of us enjoying the wonderfilled day."
We laughed but l was sincerely being truthful.

I too had a great childhood and after the ASA at 19 years old l lost all my inner core and spirit. For over three decades l was empty.
I moved to Hawaii last summer and this place has really healed me and just this past two months a lot of the trauma has disapated or become easier to overcome.
I guess l am just trying to say that l didn't know l had an inner child who needed me.
Hang on, heal and be patient...l began this journey for survivorship in July 2007, (disclosure date), and now almost five years later l am just now starting to feel the rewards of triumph.
Doug

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#386072 - 02/16/12 04:11 PM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
I now live on a retreat...in one of the artists cottages here in Hawaii




Edited by men_of_hrts.dbw (02/17/12 09:50 AM)
_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#386086 - 02/16/12 05:58 PM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Hello Brian you are not alone with struggling with this terminology. I’d not really heard it before, till I attended a WOR conference and by the end felt battered by the concept. I was completely out of step with others there and by the end found myself both disappointed and resentful because the concept was presented as the center piece to recovery. Sense as far as I knew I was the only ASA and there was no attempt to connect to that part of me I felt as if I’d been seated alone at the table outside in the cold elements.

Like you, my childhood was really wonderful and that kid in me is just fine. It was the adult that got crushed and has struggled to find himself. It’s not that I mind the inner child concept it is that I’m bothered by the lack of us having a concept to hang our hopes upon. ASA things are rarely mentioned in any formal way and when we fight to be heard in the hopes of bringing about change we are told to not post. I don’t even think the ones who should wonder why many of us (ASA’s) have grown quiet and cringe when we hear “you need to find your inner child”. Sigh.

Whoa Doug - beautiful. I bet this retreat inwhich you live slows the pulse and quickens the spirit.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#386112 - 02/16/12 08:30 PM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: earlybird]
Treehugger75 Offline


Registered: 02/08/12
Posts: 158
Loc: Ontario Canada
I didnt really look that deep into any single tenant. I'm sure given the young age of my abuse and my seemingly happy healthy outer self I looked like what most people would consider "their inner child", all my memories begin when I started school, before all that there is disturbing still photos. i get more of them lately. My impression of the "inner child" analogy is a giving up of all control for even just a moment and being at peace with your place in the world. Its hard some of us didnt even get 9 months before that feeling changed.I had to dig down deep. SA is SA I dont care if you're 100 or 1. Its about power. NOT the sex. sure sex is a big part of it but it isn't dominant. Regardless of perp/victim etimology the perp ALWAYS walk away with the victims hope how much hope they have left and how much they had before don't matter its ALL gone now. I for one think I needed to take my hope back from he/she/what/when/how/why and to do that I just took back control. Of two lives this time. My past and my present. whatever shape that demon takes as i grab hold and drag it kicking and screaming into the light not looking back.... even if it is my "inner child". I took it. not MY PAST.

if the still frames ever make a flip book i'll send ya a copy smile
STANDING OVATION FOR LN3(SS) REQ"D

_________________________
I will never ALWAYS be right, I wasn't wrong, I am whats left.

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#386120 - 02/16/12 09:23 PM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: Treehugger75]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 165
I agree. I was a man when I was traumatized. Not to be rude, but the world understands the wounds of a little boy or girl and doesnt know what to do with a wounded man.

_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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#386163 - 02/17/12 08:55 AM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: Tyr]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
My new T doesn't use the "inner child" analogy - he says I need to reconnect with my body. Interesting concept. Whether as a child or adult, his perceptions is that the break is between spirit and soul - between mind and body. Of course, I'm just starting with him so it will be interesting to see how this plays out.

_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#386174 - 02/17/12 10:34 AM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: MarkK]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
To me the true fault lies within the therapeutic community for not taking the advocacy for men assaulted as adults seriously. As a group they have failed us.

I too backed off from the daily affirmations listed here when I first read them long ago. Not because they were unsound. But because it directed the entire ten in a singular direction. By honing in on the majority I felt I had been left out of the intended mix. But I have found this in most things I have read or attended over the years since I was raped.

I know some might call certain statements here whiny in nature. And perhaps even insulted. I hope no man who endured abuse as a child would ever think that my intent were to insult or cause division here. What you see are simply the voices of men who feel society is not listening to them. Who feel they are a mere footnote or afterthought in the realm of recovery. We often feel misunderstood or appearing to be oppositional when in fact we are just speaking up for ourselves.

I would challenge anyone who has ever had to go against the popular tide In order to gain their rights or even be heard to see what is being said here.

A very kind member here once challenged me to not let my angst over the lack of resources for me to get in the way of my recovery. I thought long on that. I think I have not allowed my repeat disappointments to derail me as a whole. I have continued on with the work I need to do I order to live my life. But I wonder how
How much father I might be and how much faster I might have moved if male ASA was taken more seriously by those who could make a public difference. I am in a much better place these days in dealing with the societal apathy. But that does not mean I find it acceptable.

As Whitney Houston sang..."it's Not Right But It's Okay". "I'm gonna make it anyway". But it would have been nice to have had a little more help along the way.

May we all strive for what we need and not take no for an answer. Or silence for that matter.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#386198 - 02/17/12 08:28 PM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: prisonerID]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Great discussion. I like what Markk said. I was recently with a new T for several sessions before my insurance changed and I had to quit seeing him. This T also used the concept of learning to be in touch with my body and what it's communicating to me.

While the "inner child" concept was very useful for my CSA work it was not useful at all for the kind of stuff I was processing with this T because it wasn't related at all to childhood trauma.

I think perhaps there are individual professionals within the therapeutic community who "get it" when working with ASA survivors but it seems that the community as a whole are still way behind the curve.



Edited by WalkingSouth (02/17/12 08:30 PM)
_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#386236 - 02/18/12 04:38 AM Re: Insult to Adult Survivors [Re: WalkingSouth]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I can see your point Brian. I have not thought about the inner child concept being offensive to an adult survivor, but I would say that it doesn't matter so much what I think. If you get pissed at being hounded by the concept, it's a valid feeling.

As an aside, I am new to all this stuff. I have been looking more at CSA than ASA, but I suppose I need to consider both. My freshman year in college I got drunk at a party. In that state, I thought I could take a 10 mile walk back to campus on the interstate.

I was picked up by some guys, robbed and tossed out of the car. I remember only that a sexual assault of some sort happened and that my hands were all torn up, from being thrown out of the car. A fraternity brother came and got me from the police station. Just as he walked in, I started to tell the officer that the guys had tried to rape me. He just told my friend to take me home. For 30 plus years I have wondered if these guys really did try and rape me, or if I was trying to make it with them. It occurs to me now that I was so naive that I would not have lied about what happened, especially to a cop.

Whole point of this is that I am just realizing the cop was totally dismissing the possibility that I could have been victimized. That really pisses me off.

Thanks for starting the discussion.

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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