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#414348 - 10/26/12 10:27 AM Hello?!
Mel78 Offline


Registered: 10/26/12
Posts: 16
Loc: North Carolina
Hi, my name is Melissa. First let me say I am grateful to be here and welcome any and all input.

My boyfriend is a survivor. I love him very much and while I read and research I feel lost. His abuse just surfaced about a year ago. We've only been back together for about 5 months. He's in weekly therapy but it feels like our lives revolve around the horrific perverse past that is his childhood. He's on meds to manage his severe PTSD and help him sleep. The nightmares are something out of a horror movie. Sometimes he shares with me and others he can't form words for me.

We've gone from planning our lives together to him barely touching or talking to me. From how much he loves me to him not sure if he can be enough man for me, and what if he is gay. Last night I asked him why he stays with me, and he said that he loves me and that is the only in his world he is certain of right now and Maybe we can't be together because he needs to go experiment with men on his own terms. He seeks out men on craigslist that only talk about the sexual things they want to do to him. I don't know what to do. DO I leave him so he can dive into a life that essentially causeed all this damage in the first place. He was violated by his uncle who paid his mother to keep her mouth shut and sold him for years. His family is on the other side of the country and seems to think if they don't talk about it everything will be better. He asked me why I stay and I told him because I love him, the real him and I know that his cycles of dealing with things are not the real him. He is so lost and I don't want to impede his healing but doesn't life go on past the abuse?

I've read books and talked to people so I understand the cycles as much as I can. What do I do? Is he better off without me? I have children that adore and love him and we are family, but is the stress of family life to much?

Thank you...
_________________________
Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith some how, when the world has broken me down YOUR love sets me free....
-Addison Road

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#414354 - 10/26/12 10:57 AM Re: Hello?! [Re: Mel78]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 415
Loc: USA
Hello Melissa,

I am glad you found this site and you are welcome here. So much of what any CSA survivor deals with is the programming we learned through abuse growing up. It is programming that says: We were made for this. We were at fault. We can never be free from the confusion. We will never be good or anything except what they told us we were good for. All of that, the things we were taught, were lies but recognizing each lie and un-believing it takes time. It's hard because the mind of a child is so easily twisted and hurt, and the damage is harder to repair because you grow up believing it, the lies. It was that way with me. So I am trying to work on one at a time, and I can tell you that since I started counseling I am so much better. Right now I struggle with anger, but I am getting help there and I will deal with it and be free from it.

I am so glad to hear that he is in counseling, or "T" for therapy as many of us call it here. I can't tell you how long it takes to get through the process, but starting is tough and he has taken that huge step. If you read my introduction, posts and poems, you'll see that it can take a lot of work to get free of the programming. I think my poems in particular can be difficult to read, but I always try to end them with positive things from where I am at now. Still you may want to wait before reading those. Writing them helped me to sort things out I could not put into regular words, as I am still trying to sort out a lot.

If you can try to have him register here. We have a lot of good resources and there are a lot of good people here who understand his pain and confusion, and yours too. I would take it slow getting into posts things, just because it can be a lot to absorb. Again welcome to the site. While I am sorry you and he have to be here you can find strength here. Contact the moderators if you have questions as they are totally awesome I think. You can also send me a private message too. I know it can get better, even with my struggle today on anger because I am learning I can overcome all of the challenges, and become the person I was always meant to be.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#414360 - 10/26/12 11:22 AM Re: Hello?! [Re: Mel78]
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1212
Loc: Northern Ohio
yes, we can learn to live life after this Trauma.
Yet, please try to understand, that this type of trauma is far worse than a broken arm. A cast & a medicine for pain, does not Cure it.
The Trauma of sexual abuse is closer to a severe car accident where people died & he is so injured, he has to learn to walk again.

It takes years to recover from that kind of accident. And, some injuries heal, but pose limits on u for the rest of ur life.
This is the same for ur boyfriend.

The person that died is the person he once was. And he has to re-learn how to live his life. Some of the effects may never go away entirely, but he Can learn to 1) control how the past effects him, 2) learn what triggers bad feelings & how to cope with that, 3) learn that the guilt & shame he feels are not his, and one day he will allow himself to be loved.

There is far more to this healing process. But it is a process, & it takes time. It can not & must not be rushed.
Each persons healing process is different, though many of us experience simular things.

you may want to encourage him to come here, either here in the forums &/or the chat area.

You asked "Is he better off without me? I have children that adore and love him and we are family, but is the stress of family life to much?"

please understand, that children can remind him of painful memories (we call this being triggered), but being around normal children can also give him hope. Not just for them, but that the past has not damaged so much that he can't be loved. Family helps him to see the good in him. The good man u know is there, is being smoothered by childhood demons.

You can be a huge force for good in his life.

Please keep in mind, this is usually a long road. but progress will be made & things will get better.

you need to encourage him to never miss a Therapy appointment, stay on his meds, stay away from drugs, even alcohol. work with him & his therapist to have open lines of communication.
Secretes are generally a bad thing. you dont need to know all the details, but the theme is OK, like "trust issues", "intimacy", etc.
You can also work with the Therapist (T) with ur boyfriend to develop a Cover Story, to use with ur children to explain, without explaining, why he's not feeling well in general or on a certain bad day.

I would also encourage you to find either a support group &/or ur own separate T to help U thru this with an understanding you will Never get from a book.

Plese check out the Friends/Family forum, as U are Not alone.
And Thank you for ur compassion & determination to help him.
_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#414364 - 10/26/12 11:41 AM Re: Hello?! [Re: Mel78]
Mel78 Offline


Registered: 10/26/12
Posts: 16
Loc: North Carolina
Thank you both so much. I can't help but just sob.

I think I will share this with him tonight. We are currently in a dark place. But maybe this will offer some relief on some level.

I want to be the good and show him the good, but I wonder if he wants me at all. I know it sounds selfish and I'm very sorry for that. I know it takes time, and I can only empathize, what if I am not strong enough.

His T thinks he shouldn't be in a relationship at all because his healing needs to come first. Is she right?
_________________________
Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith some how, when the world has broken me down YOUR love sets me free....
-Addison Road

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#414371 - 10/26/12 12:56 PM Re: Hello?! [Re: Mel78]
thedudeabides Offline


Registered: 10/09/12
Posts: 27
Loc: Augusta, Georgia
Hello Mel,
Sorry to hear about your BF. I'm not sure what to say about all you wrote but can only speak from my own experience. Yes, it does get better. It might take a while but with determination and support it will get better. Very recently I told my wife of 13 years about my CSA which happened 40+ years ago and it took every ounce of courage I could muster to get the words out. I can say without a doubt that her love and support through this is the #1 most important factor in MY healing. She loves me warts and all and swore she would be by my side every step of the way. We desperately want someone we can trust completely who wont judge us by our messed up childhood the way we have done to ourselves for most of our lives. We don't want you to see us the way we see ourselves which is usually dirty, useless and unlovable, etc.
Now I'm certainly not a therapist, wouldn't dare to contradict anything yours said and have no knowledge of your situation other than what you wrote here. I'm just sharing what has helped ME. I think almost every one here would agree that the unconditional love of a special person makes a huge difference in getting through the "healing process" whatever that is. I wish you both the best and if you or your BF have any questions feel free to PM me or anyone. And trust me, there are NO stupid questions on this site.
Regards,
Dude
_________________________
I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
and you know it don't come easy.
Ringo Starr

They flutter behind you, your possible pasts;
Some bright-eyed and crazy, some frightened and lost...
And strung out behind us the banners and flags
of our possible pasts lie in tatters and rags.
Roger Waters


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#414414 - 10/26/12 10:15 PM Re: Hello?! [Re: Mel78]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1490
Loc: New England
Dear Melissa,

Can't add much to all that was siad already. Here is a book that is highly reccomended: http://www.amazon.com/When-Man-You-Love-Abused/dp/0825433533

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#414461 - 10/27/12 12:11 PM Re: Hello?! [Re: Mel78]
Mel78 Offline


Registered: 10/26/12
Posts: 16
Loc: North Carolina
Thank you Jude. I've read that book and a refer back to it a lot. It was very helpful.

(((HUGS)))
_________________________
Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith some how, when the world has broken me down YOUR love sets me free....
-Addison Road

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#414498 - 10/28/12 12:18 AM Re: Hello?! [Re: Mel78]
RunningOnEmpty Offline


Registered: 10/07/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
.


Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/01/13 08:06 PM)

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