Let me start by saying - I was never in an abusive situation that directly involved the church or anyone that represented the church.

So, I notice there is a significant number of guys on here who are very religious, so perhaps someone can help me understand my own issues with religion.

I'm trying to be a Christian. I believe in God. I belong to and try to regularly attend a church. But somehow I have never been able to commit my life freely and unreservedly to God, no matter how hard I try. I'm trying to figure out why, and I think I have two ideas:

1. For many years I believed that God hated me. Part of this was because of guilt and an inability to believe that God would forgive me when I refused to forgive my perps, and part of it was that I simply didn't think I deserved to be loved. I've been working on this - I now accept that God has forgiven me and loves me. I've made it that far.

2. There is that whole "Heavenly Father" thing. I'm just not good with "father figures". I've had two "fathers" before. Neither loved me or made any effort to protect me. Both abused me. I hate them both. (Yes, I'm working on that). Could it be that I simply don't know how to respond to a father figure with anything other than fear and hate?

Any ideas? Can anyone relate?

Hey friend. You def are not alone in this struggle. I thought that I would never be where I am at in my relationship with God today. It took me hitting rock bottom to turn my life completely to God. When I did He saved me and sanctified me. He knows our hearts. He knew I meant it when I said He could have my life and I would follow Him. He knows your heart. You must let Him have your heart an not just weekend visits. He wants full custody. When you give Him that then He takes the urge to sin out and gives your life new meaning. Trust me I never thought it could happen. I was a drunk, gambler, sex addict and all the bad things rolled into one. He has sparred my life twice and the second time I went all in for Him. I didn't think I could ever forgive my perps. One was my uncle and He haw me the strength to do that. The old me wanted to bury them in an unmarked grave in the swamp. You can be transformed, redeemed and made new but it has to be you and your own free will. Only He can take all the bad away. I gotta get to sleep now but I am willing to answer any question u may have to the best of my ability. Best wishes bro

hey, gecko!

we keep bumping into each other.

yeah - i know just how you feel on this one, too. especially the "Father" part.

instead of me trying to say it again, here are a couple links to other threads where i posted about that - and some good feedback from other guys here:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=413380#Post413380

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=410893#Post410893

glad you made it this far. poke around down here and you'll probly find more discussions that relate. Sam (Sasuva) has had some good stuff on here recently - as well as up in the regular MS forum.

Lee

I struggle with this to a degree as well. Not exactly the same way, but still very much tied to my relationship with my father.

My father was very distant. Hugs from my father, which were infrequent except for before bed, were always awkward and uncomfortable. Not sure why, but maybe it was because I never felt that love.

So my struggle is that I always feel like God is distance and cold.

Our relationship with our biological father will definitely effect and color our relationship with God. I don't think it's easy to overcome, but it can be overcome with time and trying to trust God and take His word and promises as they are, because God never breaks a promise and is always true to His Word.

My sperm donor was no father, just an ass. That has hurt my relationship with God a lot. I understand ya. I base God on my sperm donor's (and other church men I had the displeasure to meet) conduct. Ask God to show you he's different. Honestly, I'm not half-assed. I go boldly to him since I have really not much to lose anymore.

But how do I give him "full custody" when I keep hitting what feels like a brick wall? I know I'm the one who built this wall, but it's there now. I can't un-build it and I don't know how to break it down...

Thank you, Lee... it seems you are always the one responding to my posts...

I read those links. I should have searched before I posted, but I guess I didn't really believe that others have had the same questions before...

I teared up a bit when I read the bit about God saying “This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.” I can imagine nothing better than hearing someone say those words to me, but somehow it doesn't feel like God would ever say that of me...

JustScott and phoenix - Thank you for letting me know that at least in this, I'm not alone...

Damn. I should stop using "..." all the time. Bad fucking habit.