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#414141 - 10/24/12 08:06 AM Not ment to live in this world
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
Sometimes I think I'm just not ment to live here. I think about the thoery of survival of the fittest and I see how I have been so ill equiped to live in society. My father was a quiet person, he never laid a hand on me and until the day he died when I was 15 he was my hero. But now I wonder why he never played catch with me or took me to baseball games. I wonder why he never asked me about girls or pushed me to do any of the typical "guy" things that most boys do. I wonder why my parents never got me into Little League or PeeWee footpall or stuff like that. Why didn't they push me, why was I allowed to only have two friends, why was it ok?

I live in a society that's fueled by "guy" things and I'm simply at a loss. I'm not into sports, I don't know how to play any sports, I'm not into working out yet I'm surrounded by guys who do nothing but talk about how much they can bench press. They all talk about taking supplements and the other day I actually contemplated buying some just so I'd at least have somthing to relate to when I'm around them. I hate the fact taht I'm always at a a loss on how to act around people. If I could just get my hands on the manual that everybody was apparently given except for me telling them "how to be a man" I'd be so happy.


Everyday I'm reminded of how much of a waste I am and how much better everyone else is. I see how easily it is for them to laugh and make jokes and socialize while I just stand there with my hands in my pockets. It doesn't have to be this way but I don't know how to change it. God, why are they so much better than me? Why can't I be like them? How is it so easy for them, what do they have that I don't have? What am I missing?

What am I missing? If I'm not ment to survive in this world then why am I still allowed to live here? Why haven't I just fucking died yet? What are you waiting for?
_________________________
Yet another 24 hours.

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#414144 - 10/24/12 08:32 AM Re: Not ment to live in this world [Re: Clockwise]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1483
Loc: New England
Clockwise,

I could easily have written your post, so much is familiar to me. I have no magic words to make everything allright. (If I did I would have used them on myself).

We are damaged men, and maybe always will be. But there is progress that can be made. There is an opportunity, if we do the work, to be better men, living happier lives. Contributing something worthwhile to this world. Don't give up. You are a survivor. Thats who you are. You've made it this far, you can go farther.

Jude
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#414163 - 10/24/12 01:29 PM Re: Not ment to live in this world [Re: Clockwise]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Originally Posted By: Clockwise
If I'm not ment to survive in this world then why am I still allowed to live here?


Hey Clockwise,

It sounds like you are asking a very important question. If you've read the book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl you have seen a different take on this question. In it he says that we are being questioned by life in an opposite way. According to Frankl, instead of us asking life why we are here, life is asking us why we are here. In a sense, we are called by life to create our own personal meaning out of our lives. It's a good read. I'm as awkward as hell in social situations. Never liked them or hanging out with "the guys". I was always more at home with nerdy types, although not quite fitting in there either. My father never took the time to build any kind of relationship with me, never told me how to do things or what any aspect of life was about. I've had to find my own way through life. It's taking quite a long time to do so. I think it's a journey worth the effort though. It will be my life when I've created it, not anyone's else. I hope that you can find something that gives your life meaning. IMHO, this is what's important.

Caz
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#414165 - 10/24/12 01:36 PM * [Re: Clockwise]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:42 PM)

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#414168 - 10/24/12 02:10 PM Re: Not ment to live in this world [Re: Clockwise]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Clockwise
Everyday I'm reminded of how much of a waste I am and how much better everyone else is. I see how easily it is for them to laugh and make jokes and socialize while I just stand there with my hands in my pockets. It doesn't have to be this way but I don't know how to change it. God, why are they so much better than me? Why can't I be like them? How is it so easy for them, what do they have that I don't have? What am I missing?

What am I missing? If I'm not ment to survive in this world then why am I still allowed to live here? Why haven't I just fucking died yet? What are you waiting for?


I have written that type of a post. I still have yet to figure out why God wants me for. I've asked myself why do I exist so many times. I don't know. In the flesh, nobody wants me unless it is to do something for them. That I have quit doing. One hand washes the other or I do nothing.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#414169 - 10/24/12 02:31 PM Re: Not ment to live in this world [Re: Clockwise]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
if you weren't meant to be here, you wouldn't have survived the abuse. The fact you survived, to me anyway, means you most definitely are MEANT to be here. Surviving that stuff is not done by accident.

i don't think you're a waste either - but i SURE know how it feels to be one! and a loser. and not fit for society.... and i could go on buy my therapist would prefer i don't ....

i'm truly glad you found us. i hope you will stay and learn with us for a while.
_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#414171 - 10/24/12 02:50 PM Re: Not ment to live in this world [Re: Clockwise]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
"If I'm not ment to survive in this world then why am I still allowed to live here? Why haven't I just fucking died yet?"

I've asked myself exactly the same question, and the answer is a paradox.

You're alive because you survived by your own ingenuity, problem solving, tenacity and perseverance. That was your doing.

No, it hasn't been easy. It's been hell. It's been hell for all of us survivors. But we're survivors because of decisions we made and steps we took.

The task now is to move beyond "survivor" and learn how to thrive at living. A very difficult task to undertake. Our parents and families failed to teach us how to live meaningful lives, and we have to learn this for ourselves.

Is it worth it? Every survivor who has moved into thriving has said YES!!! it is worth it. I have to consciously hold onto believing them.

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. I've been there, and all of us have been there. Shit, I was there for the last 2 weeks. The world swallowing me alive.

Anyways, you survived because you made your own survival possible. Keep moving forward.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#414207 - 10/24/12 11:01 PM Re: Not ment to live in this world [Re: Clockwise]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
Thanks for the kind words guys. I just thought that I would have found my place in the world by now. I look at all the "hard men" who surround me and wonder why I am so ill equipped for life. Why was my dad so gentle with me, why didn't he ever smack me around or yell at me? Would that have made me "hard"? Would it have toughened me up? Instead, I am so incredibly sensitive. My feelings are hurt at the slightest change in pitch of someone's voice. Instead, everything effects me and I'm left feeling like I just don't belong here.

I have tried. I have tried so hard to be a better man. I joined the fucking U.S. Navy to make something of myself and to prove to myself that I am a man. But now it feels like old habits are creeping up again. Once again I am a follower instead of the leader I should be. I'm nothing all over again.
_________________________
Yet another 24 hours.

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#414210 - 10/24/12 11:37 PM Re: Not ment to live in this world [Re: Clockwise]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Hey Clockwise,

You are judging yourself very harshly. I find 'incredible sensitivity' an endearing quality to have. I know others who admire sensitivity as well. I hope that you can look at this quality with the admiration it deserves, and without your own critical judgment.

I speak from personal experience. I struggle with incredibly harsh self judgment, too. I often call myself retarded and pathetic (and mean it) because I still can't make sense of romance and intimacy. Relationships are difficult and I'm lonely almost all the time.

I'm learning a very hard lesson about self judgment - its very critical, grossly exaggerated, and difficult to see it for what it is when we're doing it to ourselves.

I know that the way you think about yourself, and talk to yourself, you would never talk that way to another human being that way, right? Well, you're a human being.

Our own self judgment is highly skewered and should not be trusted. Someone else wrote that recently here, and I think its brilliant.

Be kind to yourself,

D



_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#414243 - 10/25/12 11:27 AM Re: Not ment to live in this world [Re: Clockwise]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hey Clock

I see your a little down today, that's OK, reflecting on the deeper issues.
I have kinda adopted the attitude of "at least I have something meaningful to do with my life" I don't have to follow the pack and work out, or pop steroids, or go out pubing, or or brag about how many girls I have conquered. These are all hollow empty pursuits.
What I look at is how many people have changed their lives because they have spoken to me about issues, how many people have I been used to influence in a good way today, how much of a real difference have I made in someones life, lately I have been looking at how I can drastically change the lives of my wife and daughter by being more present.
Now not every one is called to do the same, but every one is called, and every one has a purpose to fulfill on the wonderful earth.

Follow your heart and leave the sheep behind, when all is said and done, we are judged on what we have achieved and not on how well we have followed the masses (asses)

Keep talking and keep smiling, I know He loves you.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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