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#414052 - 10/23/12 10:06 AM Favor one children over another? I wasn't favored
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Hey, all,

I've thought this since a year or so after my brother was born. I'm 99% sure my mom (could care less what my sperm donor thought) favored my brother over me. In her eyes, he can do no wrong even today and she has no problems telling me how great he is. I got beat more, yelled at more and was less protected by her for sure. I know she chose my sperm donor over me, too. This has gnawed at me for years. She said she didn't and treated us equally, but the Bible says you shall know them by their fruits and that's what her fruit says time and time and time again. Yes, she claims to be a Christian. Even my sperm donor said she favored my brother over me.

I'm not asking her about it recently since she's also cut what little feelings I have to the bone over the last year. She refuses to talk to me about any of my problems, but if my brother gets a hang nail she'd break her neck driving to his house. LOL It's a fucking joke its so obvious.

I have a lot of anger at her for subjecting me to my sperm donor's abuse (and not taking my kindergarten teacher serious when she told my parents I was a fucked up kid at 5). Now, finally admitting this to myself has added fuel to the fire. She was abused by my sperm donor, too, but this has cause a real enmity between me and her. I don't hate her, but how can someone be so cruel to her child?
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#414053 - 10/23/12 10:24 AM Re: Favor one children over another? I wasn't favored [Re: phoenix321]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3208
Loc: back in the USA
Yep - same here. i was the black sheep.

the youngest of the 4 of us - my 2nd half-brother - was the golden boy to mom. still very obvious.

she would even forget my birthday. and last time i tried to talk to her seriously she had forgotten major events that showed her and the step-dad in a bad light. now, ironically she has dementia - and has forgotten nearly everything. and to think that i used to try to protect her from being hurt by trying to hide my abuse.

and the step-dad treated his own sons like royalty - while my full brother and me were like servants. and if there was ever a choice to be made by mom between him and me - i did not even exist.

there was lots for me to forgive.
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#414073 - 10/23/12 02:02 PM Re: Favor one children over another? I wasn't favored [Re: phoenix321]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 412
Loc: USA
I understand the feeling. My birth was not planned or wanted I don't think. My grandmother told me many times growing up that me being born almost killed my mother. I also got beaten and verbally trashed at home, so others took notice and provided me with fake "love". Fake was better then nothing. I don't know the answer to your question as to why anyone can be cruel to any child. I have repaired my relationship with my family in many ways, but to this day they do not know about the predators, or that by the time I was 8 five of them had gotten to me. I am working with a T now who will help me decide about telling my family.

I do know this: I am not, was not, and will not ever again be defined by what everyone told me while I was growing up. My T says I need to work on anger now, and Im down for that as I don't know how to do it, but she does. I know from my own progress that working with a T is critical. Because of my T, I seen now that abuse is not who I am, it is something I went through and the depth of my past only indicates the height of my future. We can win!
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#414130 - 10/24/12 04:29 AM Re: Favor one children over another? I wasn't favored [Re: phoenix321]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Thanks for the responses. I got the feeling they thought I was screwed up so had another kid (he's 3.5 years younger) to try again. Something tells me that and I've always had that feeling. He was definitely the favorite of both parents. It just hurts and hurts bad. It's like being thrown away. frown

BuffaloCO, I don't let myself be defined by my parents. I could care less what happens to my sperm donor except I hope he suffers with the dementia he's got. He deserves it. Mom has been little to no support emotionally in the last year but would talk my ear off about her failed marriage to dickhead if I let her. LOL I figured since I can't talk to her, she ain't gonna lay her baggage on me either. She's got my brother so she can go bitch to him. She's knows I'm fragile emotionally so she has no excuse.

Traveler, Sorry about how you were treated. Stepkids seem to all have the same story or a lot of them do. That's so sad. Hugs.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#415089 - 11/02/12 01:56 PM Re: Favor one children over another? I wasn't favored [Re: phoenix321]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
My parents are both christians and chose kids. My brother was dad's favourite and I (the youngest) was mum's. It was obvious. My dad would take me brother to work with him on the farm all the time (me maybe twice a year if my brother couldn't go). I would stay at home and do 'girly' stuff with my mum. It is a miracle that I don't have gender identity problems really. They had hoped I would be a girl. Lol (Leanne). I am a sensive kind of guy though.

My dad actually said openly at my brother's 21st that he had always been his favouite son. Finally someone said it out loud.

My T says I was setup from the start.

This brother was one of my abusers and now he is the favourite of both of them. I can't win!! (not that I want their attention now anyway) And he still feels ripped off like I am the favourite - he is even more messed up then me. Lol.

On another note - tonight my 10 year old daughter told me she feels like we don't like her as much as her little brother - like we are mean to her. This is not the case!!(I was worried that we hugged to much as a family). She has aspergers and is hard work most of the time. But man - that is something we need to work on. I don't want her growing up with those issues.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#415106 - 11/02/12 03:41 PM Re: Favor one children over another? I wasn't favored [Re: Farmer Boy]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Sorry, Lee. That is terrible. frown I know how you feel. My brother even told his friends he was an only child. Sheesh! Little dick.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#415160 - 11/02/12 11:29 PM Re: Favor one children over another? I wasn't favored [Re: phoenix321]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2569
Sup Lee!

My sister accuses me of being the "favorite" all the time, although we both agree that our older system definitely was, although he passed away when I was 8.

I'm also on the autism spectrum, and my son is PDD-NOS. This Especially make connecting with others difficult, and even when people insist they do care, it's like I'm wearing a giant emotional rain coat, it just literally bounces off.

Keep trying with her though, find out what makes her tick and what makes her feel wanted and loved.

Also, there is NO such thing as too much hugging. You literally can not hug your sons enough. They need that affirmation and acceptance. Just last night I was lying on the couch at my mother in laws and my 12 year old son (PDD-NOS fellow) literally came can laid on the cough right against me like a little boy of 5 or 6 would. My wife always comments that she thinks he's too old for that, but I know better. I still want to be able to be close like that. Probably that hurt little boy in side me, but hey, I still feel it none the less.

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#415366 - 11/05/12 02:58 AM Re: Favor one children over another? I wasn't favored [Re: JustScott]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: JustScott
Sup Lee!

My sister accuses me of being the "favorite" all the time, although we both agree that our older system definitely was, although he passed away when I was 8.

I'm also on the autism spectrum, and my son is PDD-NOS. This Especially make connecting with others difficult, and even when people insist they do care, it's like I'm wearing a giant emotional rain coat, it just literally bounces off.

Keep trying with her though, find out what makes her tick and what makes her feel wanted and loved.

Also, there is NO such thing as too much hugging. You literally can not hug your sons enough. They need that affirmation and acceptance. Just last night I was lying on the couch at my mother in laws and my 12 year old son (PDD-NOS fellow) literally came can laid on the cough right against me like a little boy of 5 or 6 would. My wife always comments that she thinks he's too old for that, but I know better. I still want to be able to be close like that. Probably that hurt little boy in side me, but hey, I still feel it none the less.


It hurt though, because so far, nobody, family or otherwise, has ever wanted me at all. frown


Edited by phoenix321 (11/05/12 02:58 AM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#415371 - 11/05/12 07:12 AM Re: Favor one children over another? I wasn't favored [Re: phoenix321]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
I hear ya bro!
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#415474 - 11/06/12 08:32 AM Re: Favor one children over another? I wasn't favored [Re: phoenix321]
webelos Offline


Registered: 10/27/12
Posts: 12
Loc: in mountains both in my mind a...
My father openly tells me that my oldest brother is his favorite. It is obvious. Yet in his old age, I am the one taking care of him. The more I am around him (my father) the more I wonder how I turned out even half normal.
_________________________
transition from cub scouts to boy scouts wasn't easy. It was hard to go from the safety of den mothers to the world of men and older boys.

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