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#413931 - 10/22/12 09:12 AM Please critique this review of MS for me! Thanks!
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
I want to submit this review of MS for Great Nonprofits, but I would really like some input. Is it too long? Not personal enough? Any grammatical mistakes? PLEASE be critical! I want to amend this so that it is perfect. Thank you! smile

"To write that MaleSurvivor is a valuable and much-needed resource for victimized males - in a time when resources for victimized males are still rare - is a vast understatement. Managed by caring, patient, hard-working volunteers (many, if not all, of whom were victims themselves), MS has created not only a safe haven for males finally to unleash their innermost worries and struggles associated with their abuse and its long-term aftereffects in an environment of support and understanding, but also to educate themselves about surviving abuse and begin a life-improving road to recovery in the midst of other accepting, compassionate males, sometimes forming deep and powerful brother-like bonds that can last a lifetime. MaleSurvivor and its staff and members are pioneers on the forefront of battling both male victimization worldwide as well as tearing down too-oft-believed myths regarding survivors. This site has literally saved dozens (if not more) males facing utter frustration and despair over their abuse from committing suicide; I know this firsthand. MaleSurvivor was an irreplaceable resource in helping me transcend from a potential suicidal statistic to overcoming my abuse and rejoining society as a healthier, happier citizen. I cannot say enough good things about MaleSurvivor, its people, and its mission."

Your loving brother, as always,

Bobcat
_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#413938 - 10/22/12 10:18 AM Re: Please critique this review of MS for me! Thanks! [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Bobcat - you convinced me!

it is well-worded and has a good balance of info and personal connection. two suggestions: the 2nd sentence could be broken into 2 or 3 sentences to make it more readable. and the word "transcend" is used in a slightly awkward way - needs an object, maybe?

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#413941 - 10/22/12 10:27 AM Re: Please critique this review of MS for me! Thanks! [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Well put Bobcat, thank you!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#413978 - 10/22/12 05:35 PM Re: Please critique this review of MS for me! Thanks! [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Had never even heard of the site, Bobcat. What a resource! Especially like the personal story. I'm always big on that anyway. No problem with content at all. A few personal preferences on structure/readability:

I'd start it with normal sentence structure "It would be a vast understatement to write that..." Or, get a hook. I looked at the GSAN review on the site and liked this: "GSAN is amazing!"

Break it up into two or three paragraphs. Not as intimidating as one big paragraph. (LOL...a lesson I've yet to learn!)

Consider your audience may not be college-educated (or terminally blond like me) and therefore more responsive to simpler sentence structure. I agree with Lee's idea...but he and I do that a lot with each other.

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#414048 - 10/23/12 09:02 AM Re: Please critique this review of MS for me! Thanks! [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Thank you for the suggestions, guys! Is this better? PLEASE be critical! I'm truly open to input.

"It is a vast understatement to write that MaleSurvivor is a valuable and much-needed resource for victimized males - in a time when resources for victimized males are still rare.
Managed by caring, patient, hard-working volunteers (many, if not all, of whom were victims themselves), MS has created a safe haven for males finally to unleash their innermost worries and struggles associated with their abuse and its long-term aftereffects in an environment of support and understanding.
MS also helps males to educate themselves about surviving abuse and begin a life-improving road to recovery in the midst of other accepting, compassionate males, sometimes forming deep and powerful brother-like bonds that last a lifetime.
MaleSurvivor and its staff and members are pioneers on the forefront of battling both male victimization worldwide as well as tearing down too-oft-believed myths regarding survivors.
This site has literally saved dozens (if not more) males facing utter frustration and despair over their abuse from committing suicide; I know this firsthand. MaleSurvivor was an irreplaceable resource in helping me transform from a potential suicidal statistic to overcoming my abuse and rejoining society as a healthier, happier citizen.
I cannot say enough good things about MaleSurvivor, its people, and its mission."

Your loving brother, as always,

Bobcat
_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

Top
#414050 - 10/23/12 09:40 AM Re: Please critique this review of MS for me! Thanks! [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hey Bobcat...if you're asking us to be abusive - physical, verbal, emotional, your choice - you're dealing with guys who have A LOT of experience with that. ;-) {{{{Bobcat}}}}

You done good brother.

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