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#414028 - 10/23/12 02:07 AM Advice for girlfriend
mium17 Offline


Registered: 01/12/10
Posts: 4
Hello all,
I found out a 2 years ago that my boyfriend was abused when he was 5 yrs old. We finally had the discussion about what happened and i found out that he was sexually abused by his pediatrician. I am the only person he has told.
I have fantasies of asking his mom who his pediatrician was while they were living for a short time in Miami so I can look this person up online. I'm sorry for saying this while in a forum for people who are healing, but I want to find this monster, go to his work and scream at him and tell the world who he really is. Is there any way to go about this while protecting my bf's privacy and not letting his mother know what happened (per his request)? This happened over 30 years ago. I just want to see if there's anything i can do, although i realize it may be for me and not for my loved one. Thanks

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#414038 - 10/23/12 06:25 AM Re: Advice for girlfriend [Re: mium17]
White Pumpkin Offline


Registered: 05/31/12
Posts: 2
Well, that's a pretty courageous thing you're doing, trying to stop him. i am afraid I have no advice except to say that I admire what you're trying to do.

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#414043 - 10/23/12 08:03 AM Re: Advice for girlfriend [Re: mium17]
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 124
Loc: Australia
There is inside of me, a little affected boy that is crying out for someone to stand up for him and to show him that he is worth listening to; worth hearing; worth believing.

So many of us have this as a dream. Even in adulthood we are not believed, accepted or loved in the way that you describe.

It is easy to fantasize about the release of anger; revenge; street justice and prevention of further abuses. But remember that your man needs to be listened to, right now. Later, it may be appropriate to help him to disclose what he was put through.

May I humbly suggest that you look for ways to do things FOR your boyfriend rather than AGAINST the perpetrator. There are many things that you can do to actively support him on his journey of recovery.

It might seem odd to you that your boyfriend wants to protect his mother from this knowledge when his mother wasn't able to protect him from his paediatrician. But that is his call and he can change his mind later on.

Sometimes we imagine that are responsible if the perpetrator continues to violate boys but that is no more true than it is true that those who were violated before we were are somehow responsible for us being abused. That responsibility lies squarely at the feet of the abuser and not the abused.

Mium 17 you are one awesome friend. You realise that the feelings you have might be about you and not your boyfriend. If true, then it is worth remembering that one of the first stages of grief is anger. May I, therefore, suggest that you allow yourself time to work through your own grief - you can do this with your boyfriend - showing him that you believe him; that he is right to feel whatever it is that he feels; that you love him and will continue to support him.

Oh and the 30 years ago thing! Just shows he's normal. It is more often the case than not, that men are able to suppress or otherwise avoid dealing with being traumatised for 30 to 40 years after the abuse / trauma has ended.

I hope these thoughts of mine are of some help.

ADen
_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

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#414069 - 10/23/12 01:21 PM Re: Advice for girlfriend [Re: expom]
mium17 Offline


Registered: 01/12/10
Posts: 4
Thank you, ADen, for the kindest, most thoughtful reply i could have hoped for. I appreciate the time you took and the ideas you posted, especially what i can do for my boyfriend instead of against the perpetrator. I'm not feeling very eloquent right now, but thank you from the bottom (and all) of my heart. You deserve all good things! my best -

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#414070 - 10/23/12 01:25 PM Re: Advice for girlfriend [Re: White Pumpkin]
mium17 Offline


Registered: 01/12/10
Posts: 4
Thank you, White Pumpkin for your reply and just for listening. I truly appreciate it! Take care -

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#414188 - 10/24/12 07:41 PM Re: Advice for girlfriend [Re: mium17]
RunningOnEmpty Offline


Registered: 10/07/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
,,


Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/01/13 07:39 PM)

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#414357 - 10/26/12 11:11 AM Re: Advice for girlfriend [Re: mium17]
Mel78 Offline


Registered: 10/26/12
Posts: 16
Loc: North Carolina
I try to keep my anger at my BF's family to myself. I recently went to a wedding and met a large portion of them. During the reception BF was triggered and had a flashback that sent him spiraling. I didn't cut lose and have a good time because I was constantly aware that anyone in the room could've participated in his abuse and they are all living their lives like its nothing, at least that was was my perception of it.

I want call his mother who knew abuse his abuse but took $300 a month to keep her mouth shut, I want to call her and scream " that's all he was worth to you, your son! $300!!! " as a mother it enrages me. But I keep my mouth shut and someday if we get married I will say a prayer every day that I don't hit her with a cast iron skillet.

I respect what you want to do, but admire that you realize its more about you than him. I so understand where you're coming from.
_________________________
Everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith some how, when the world has broken me down YOUR love sets me free....
-Addison Road

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#415071 - 11/02/12 11:01 AM Re: Advice for girlfriend [Re: mium17]
Cassialla Offline


Registered: 11/02/12
Posts: 7
I feel your pain.I wish i knew who my boyfriend's abusers are,i am so angry!I am actually the girlfriend of someone that was sexually abused by the females in his family from he was 9yrs old to about 12.He lost his virginity to one of those females.I just recently found this out.He is an extremely loving person,very affectionate and aware of my emotional needs.He's not very sexual tho,it comes in spurts.Sometimes I wait a whole 2weeks before we have sex only because I try to give him space because I want him to know I care and understand what he may feel toward women sexually in his adult life.But I am a woman at my sexual peak and have needs and don't want to pressure him.I try to use different methods like sex toys.I have tried to please him with fellatio but he won't let me do it and simply says that it does nothing for him.AND he just revealed to me that he is not sensitive at all down there.So I am very distraught because here I was thinking he was enjoying sex and feeling everything when he was not!He does say that he enjoys it because there's the strong emotional attachment he has with me and he loves me but he just is not sensitive there.Do you think his abuse has de-sensitized him?I am so mad at those women for doing that to him and that part of his adult life is taken away from him.Feels like the relationship will never be complete if that problem is not fixed.I want him to want me like I want him and feel what I feel sexually.Are there any ladies with this same problem?And to the males,do you feel similar toward women sexually?like just plain not interested in sex?

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#415074 - 11/02/12 11:06 AM Re: Advice for girlfriend [Re: expom]
Cassialla Offline


Registered: 11/02/12
Posts: 7
Thanks for this info.my boyfriend actually seemed fine and gotten over it mentally but subconsciously sexually he isn't.I think that I am just shocked and angry as to why there a people,female members of ones family that would do this to s helpless 9year old boy.

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#415809 - 11/09/12 05:51 PM Re: Advice for girlfriend [Re: mium17]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
The most difficult thing for me is to be in the same room with the abuser. I have to do it once or twice a year and I'm physically sick to my stomach. My husband pretends like nothing happened. I worry that the perp is still at it and I am complicit in the silence. I am on heightened alert with my children. And I'm sad and disgusted at the lack of transparency in these otherwise mundane interactions. I'm jealous of ROE although I know there will be hell to pay if I out the abuser(s). The pain filters down to us, and it potentially endangers my children because it endangers their parents relationship. It's probably not 100% accurate, but I blame the abuse and therefore the abuser for the problems that led to divorce being bandied about. And I have the hardest time forgiving the abusers for that.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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