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#413704 - 10/19/12 09:50 PM I am afraid of my dad
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Okay, about a year ago I confronted my parents on the physical abuse. They reacted as perps do, "how dare I accuse them!", are you going to get the police", "just get over it". I thought good riddance to them, and moved 900 miles away. How could they have beaten, bloodied and demoralized a child that was so willing to let himself be led by them had they only realized that the acting out and desperate need for attention was driven by sexual abuse and it's controls? I set a personal boundary and removed them from my life in a much better way than when they kicked me out of their home as an underage teen.

So I start getting emails from my mom telling me how much she misses me, and I tell her things can only change if she and dad are willing to get help. My dad emails and tells me how much he loves me, but does not include any of my replies, thoughts or work I need from them so I can feel safe.

I am mad, I stomp around for a bit. Then the spiritual side of my life, which is sorely lacking, starts nudging me.., why? Because God is so much different than my dad, so why don't I worship anymore? The breakthrough was that I am afraid of my dad, the one put into position by God to exemplify him for me. I am afraid of God.

I am afraid of my dad. My sister once told him she was afraid of him and he took her into another room and spanked her. I still have no reaction to that besides... well, I cannot think of anything. I am afraid of my dad.

In this fear, the worst time in my life was trying to be a good Christian. Guaranteed disappointment, verbal and physical abuse comes from going to worship. He taught me how to be abused by being a christian, then I demanded the same from me and my children. Thankfully my wife and children did not subscribe to that abuse control.

I know that if I go to worship, I will be a disappointment, I will fail. You know what happens when someone fails in Christianity? They die in Hell. I do not want to die in Hell, but I do not want to go and be triggered, suffer flashbacks and literally stress myself into a coma. This is NOT about Christianity. It is about having something so important in life and being unable to fulfill it because of the abuse lessons. It could be a career, an adventure, house full of kids, being single and philanthropic.., whatever and because of the abuse, unable to connect with it and find satisfaction in it. It's like I can see what I want on the other side of the bridge, but I have tried over and over to cross that bridge, sometimes I get kicked back over, sometimes by someone else, sometimes by me!

I want what I want in this life. I have been held back because I was angry and demanding. I could never say, "I am afraid of you dad" and now, I can. This path will free me in time and in time I will be healthy enough to reach my goals. I will because this time the path across that bridge is welcoming me.

Sam

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#413705 - 10/19/12 10:08 PM Re: I am afraid of my dad [Re: SamV]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Wow Sam, I am so sorry. I know exactly what this is like, I was terrified of my father. I never felt safe around him and never trusted him.

I can relate to the part about Christianity too. Since our earthy fathers are supposed to be a picture of our Heavenly Father, we have a very difficult time comprehending a loving Heavenly Father when the earthy one abused and/or neglected us. I still battle this every day. I have a difficult time understanding that God loves me and cares for me.

I don't have any good answers, but I do understand. You aren't alone.

Alan
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#413722 - 10/20/12 01:17 AM Re: I am afraid of my dad [Re: SamV]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Sam -

i hear you loud & clear - could go on and on about this post - but for now - this is important. keep on working it. i'm with you on this.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#413934 - 10/22/12 09:22 AM Re: I am afraid of my dad [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Thank you Alan, Lee, I am relieved in your considerate supporting. I am torn up about this, I NEED to be a good husband and father, I NEED Christianity in my life, I NEED to be good to me but the examples I have suck!

In challenging myself to become more than I have been taught to be, I had found anger, now I find fear. I know now I have to sit in fear, repeat to myself "I am afraid" and wait. Recovery will give me the power the abuser demanded, and I will rise to glorify God, forgive the abuser and empower myself.

That is the plan... the whistle blows the start of the inning...
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#413942 - 10/22/12 10:54 AM Re: I am afraid of my dad [Re: SamV]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Sam,

I would agree with you about needing Christianity in your life. I also agree about your desire to be a good husband and father. Doing these things are very healing for you.

As for Christianity, God is our true Father and the earthly father is supposed to be a picture or representation of Him to his children. When the relationship with the earthly father is messed up, it makes it very difficult to understand our Heavenly Father. Grasping how God loves and cares for us, is a part of healing from abuse.

Alan
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#413944 - 10/22/12 11:50 AM Re: I am afraid of my dad [Re: SamV]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 412
Loc: west coast
I know that if I go to worship, I will be a disappointment, I will fail. You know what happens when someone fails in Christianity? They die in Hell. I do not want to die in Hell, but I do not want to go and be triggered, suffer flashbacks and literally stress myself into a coma. This is NOT about Christianity. It is about having something so important in life and being unable to fulfill it because of the abuse lessons. It could be a career, an adventure, house full of kids, being single and philanthropic.., whatever and because of the abuse, unable to connect with it and find satisfaction in it. It's like I can see what I want on the other side of the bridge, but I have tried over and over to cross that bridge, sometimes I get kicked back over, sometimes by someone else, sometimes by me!

I want what I want in this life. I have been held back because I was angry and demanding. I could never say, "I am afraid of you dad" and now, I can. This path will free me in time and in time I will be healthy enough to reach my goals. I will because this time the path across that bridge is welcoming me.

SamV

As for Christianity, God is our true Father and the earthly father is supposed to be a picture or representation of Him to his children. When the relationship with the earthly father is messed up, it makes it very difficult to understand our Heavenly Father. Grasping how God loves and cares for us, is a part of healing from abuse.

Alan


Sam I can understand how difficult it must be to circle the square about trying to rationalize the abuse at the hands of your father when the all powerful all knowing Father allowed the opposite of what His message you are taught to be true, did not come to pass. Your bigger point of being able to fullfil IT whatever it is. The enjoyment of life, the joie de vive. Thats what abuse takes away cuz in those formative years you are never told that whatever you do is good enough, they never told you things were going to be OK. You as you Sam were never told that you were worthy or accepted or loved for you ,just you, same as you Alan. So now we have this cognitive disconnect with the lessons you are taught that a christian should be, and you know the reality was far from that.

The fear of being a failed christian and ending up in hell is sadly part of the story that enforces a sense that you are again not worthy. My understanding is if you accept jesus as your Lord and saviour, you go to heaven, regardless of what others may say. So that is all you need. So if you find more strenght in your faith and it gives you peace then that is great.

If you find that impervious coating of faith falls away and cuz as an adult you look at it that that belief you have had for so long that was put there when you were so young and not something you came to on your own volition. Something that was fed to you before you had a chance really grasp its meaning. That is one reason you both may find it difficult to reconcile, try as you might. There is no way to rationalize that disconnect. Your father was abusive, your father represents the Father, your Father is all powerful, loving and knowing, your Father allowed and did not intercede in allowing your father to abuse you.

As a non deist there is no fear of death cuz I know i am not going to either heaven nor hell, my eternal life is my children. The rest to me doesnt matter, and all i am trying to do is what you said at the start. The IT , getting the fulfillment out of whatever IT is in my life. Sam , you are right, that is the greater good, and that process has began, it feels so much better to just take one step on the bridge end enjoy the view, whats on the other side will be there when we get there.

cheers,

grant

i truly hope you find peace and resolution
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#413965 - 10/22/12 02:52 PM Re: I am afraid of my dad [Re: SamV]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Sam,

You said "Thank you Alan, Lee, I am relieved in your considerate supporting. I am torn up about this, I NEED to be a good husband and father, I NEED Christianity in my life, I NEED to be good to me but the examples I have suck!"

Look in the mirror, you are your best example. You have chosen to accept your fear, to sit with it and let it teach you its lesson. You have expressed your desire to be whole in body and in spirit. You have committed yourself to learning forgiveness. How many men have you helped here at MS? How many compassionate replies? Gentle reminders? You have posted over three thousand times here, and have helped hundreds maybe even thousands. Every day you are channeling the Heavenly Father's love and directing it at recovery. That is genuine worship. To allow the flow of His love coarse through you and to cast that love outward to anyone who is in need of love.

I know this because I sit thousands of miles away and I can feel the love that you radiate. It has touched me more than once. You are carrying out His will with every step you take. Heal well brother.

Daniel,
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#413970 - 10/22/12 03:16 PM Re: I am afraid of my dad [Re: 1lifenow]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Grant,

I know you describe yourself as a "non deist;" However your understanding of Biblical Christianity is dead-on. Not to get to preachy here, since this isn't the Spirituality forum, but Biblically speaking we cannot earn our salvation. The Bible say God is holy, righteous and perfect and can accept nothing other that His own righteousness. Isaiah even says that our best works are "filthy (literally menstrual) rags" to God. Righteousness comes through believing Jesus Christ took all our sins/shortcomings and died on the cross to pay the penalty for those sins. When we believe (i.e. have faith) in that, God imputes the very righteousness of Jesus Christ on the person who has faith in that. We needn't fear, but believe. Since I never, ever deserved to go to Heaven in the first place, my works won't get me there or keep me from going to Hell. I must accept God's salvation by faith, and He keeps me, not me earning it. We should do good works because Christ becomes the life of the believer, not to keep or earn Heaven. I needn't ever fear going to Hell, because Jesus earned Heaven for me!

Alan

P.S. We hear John 3:16 all the time, but we should hear this that follows too:
For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. "He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
(John 3:17-18 NKJV)
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#413972 - 10/22/12 03:28 PM Re: I am afraid of my dad [Re: SamV]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 955
Loc: southern California
Sam,

I won't burden you with my headaches, but please know that "My story is very similar to yours" and "I have walked in your shoes."

It gets very complex trying to sort out faith and family in the mix of assaults.

It isn't you. ((Sam))
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#414024 - 10/23/12 12:54 AM Re: I am afraid of my dad [Re: SamV]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Sam,
Brother, friend, survivor. You are not giving yourself enough credit bud. You are strong because of all the before mentioned. You are string because you know there is more. You are new in Christ. The old does not have to define you brother. Easier said than done I know. I will stand with you. I will pray with you. I will claim victory for you. I will because Christ already has. Love ya bro. Stay strong and see that you are worthy and strong. You are an awesome poster and person. Keep healing.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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