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#413177 - 10/15/12 11:46 AM Re: too much too soon [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3491
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Blue - right - i will need to stress that it was not her fault. and i like the neutral word signal idea. maybe that would work.

Gecko - yep, i think honesty is good - the big question is how much? i don't want to start triggering her with too much information. but also don't want to let her imagination run wild. and the immediate communication is probly gonna help. i let too much pile up until it was overwhelming.

bub - yeah - keeping present - a challenge. it sometimes feels like i'm juggling too many balls. keeping focused and present and takin care of business all at the same time. it takes concentration and practice. and it will definitely be a big challenge "next time" with that elephant of what happened before in bed with us.

really appreciate the support and suggestions - all of you!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#413906 - 10/22/12 03:20 AM Re: too much too soon [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3491
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Stupid idiot!
Clueless moron!!
Inept loser!!!
Hopeless failure!!!!
I was kicking myself – beating myself up – punishing myself for misreading or missing all the messages.

It started mid-afternoon Saturday when we had been in a long, none-too-exciting meeting where I had yawned a lot. There was still work to be done and the day was not over. My wife said she was thinking “nap” and asked if I wanted a nap, too. I said no – she knows I have a hard time unwinding enough to sleep in the middle of the day. I never nap unless I am sick. So we both got busy and went home later.

That evening she told me that with the “nap” question, she had been trying to give me a hint – that she was willing and available if I wanted to… Dense blockhead that I am, I didn’t get it. She felt bad – not exactly rejected – but disappointed – and once again – true to form – I had blown it royally! In between banging my head against the wall, I mumbled something about maybe it was too subtle. And then she ripostes with – “I can’t be too aggressive – and I can’t be too subtle – what is left?” Good point.

We talked. I read some journal entries to her – including this thread. a few tears on each side. we sat on the couch with arms around each other and just tried to relax and trust each other again. She explained that what she wanted was merely to lie together, skin-to-skin - not s*x – just being together. I asked if she was still interested – or wanted to wait till another time. She said she’d try. So we did.

We started out doing only what she wanted, but didn’t stop there… by mutual decision. It was a good follow-up to and repair of the disaster the last time.

We had talked about that catastrophe with our T and wife had said that she was feeling like I always had to be in total control. I said that I loved the idea of her being the initiator and I didn’t want all the control – that was too much responsibility – and made me feel abusive. But I didn’t want to feel controlled either. T said what I might be fearing was having NO control. I said – yes – a better solution would be sharing the control/power/decisions. We also discussed the idea of using neutral code words – like Blue suggested: yellow, orange, red. And thankfully she was OK with not knowing specifics of the triggers - being spared the gory details. T and i thought that it would not be helpful and she agreed.

So that is what we did. Started slow and with the color coding and kept communicating. It worked. No triggers – or minimal and manageable ones only. i stayed present. There were some of the same types of touch as the last time when I freaked out afterwards – but this time it was OK… we both were very relieved afterwards.

I am very thankful that she was willing to give us another chance. at first she was so upset by the last disaster that she was ready to quit. T told her that when you put too much sugar in a cup of coffee you don’t swear never to drink coffee ever again. You just dump it down the sink, pour a fresh cup and try again. Now we have a couple new code words/phrases: “nap” and “too much sugar” – and we added another step to the color code – “GREEN!”

Lee


Edited by traveler (10/22/12 03:23 AM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#413929 - 10/22/12 09:01 AM Re: too much too soon [Re: traveler]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Wow Lee. One of the most moving, positive posts I've read in a long time. Thank you.

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#413933 - 10/22/12 09:21 AM Re: too much too soon [Re: traveler]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Lee,

There is nothing wrong with your wife treating you as a sex object once and awhile and vice-versa. Fight through it, man. Face your fear head-on. Enjoy her treating you as a sex object last night. It means she loves you and you turn her on or she wouldn't have went through all that trouble. Just tell her, "hey, I'm sorry, you caught me by surprise and I didn't know how to act. Let's try again." That trigger shit ain't brought up and she'll feel better. Tell her, hey, let's do it tonight or later this week, or surprise her.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#413974 - 10/22/12 04:37 PM Re: too much too soon [Re: traveler]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1206
Loc: NY
First of all, I would like to thank Lee/Traveler for starting this thread and all of those that have made contribution posts.

I am not married-yet, as I hope to someday be and have a warm and loving family!!!!!

However I am in my 1st LTR. serious relationship with this wonderful women and I was struggling/agonizing about telling her about my past: what to say, how much to say, how much detail, and especially the exaggerated startle responses I have when she sneak up behind me and/or touches me from behind on my back especially the soft,light touch, which I know she means as a sign of endearment, but I hate it! It makes me jump and my skin crawl.

I wanted to just let you guys know that this has been extremely educational for me.

I have debated this topic with my T, and he says that I don't have to go into detail, so recently I told her a little bit-just a short synopsis or over view of my past in which she (very shocking to me) took surprisingly Well. She wanted to know more but I was really scared of scaring her.

I really like the Idea of the color coding messaging system, especially when we are intimate and VERY much so afterwards when she wants to cuddle......

in the past I have just faked that I liked it all of the time, but she could usually tell something was wrong, and I think it made her feel bad or even guilty and I just didn't know what to do.

i very much want to be closer with her, but sometimes it is mind-bogglingly difficult for me, I will first discuss the Idea with my T and maybe how to bring up the topic and how to phrase it and when to do so---Great idea, BTW.

Thanks again,
Logan
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#414007 - 10/22/12 11:11 PM Re: too much too soon [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3491
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Lancer, Phoenix, & Logan - thanks for the replies.

if something i said can help a little - so much the better .
that is a really big bonus for me.
and what we are here for - right?

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#416055 - 11/12/12 04:15 PM Re: too much too soon [Re: traveler]
youthfulheart62 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/19/07
Posts: 93
Loc: New Jersey(exit3)
Logan,
please give me a call, if you need my #, I think you have to clear your private message box

Julian

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#416056 - 11/12/12 04:24 PM Re: too much too soon [Re: traveler]
youthfulheart62 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/19/07
Posts: 93
Loc: New Jersey(exit3)
My wife left the day before yesterday, long story, but I am committed, we both are. She thinks it it my pride, she has alway thought that... To me it not pride but protecting and preservation. She does understand, that by walking by me and pinching my ass, it fuck me up and I get pissed off.... I hope this helps and you u=nderstand.


Julian

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#416090 - 11/13/12 01:05 AM Re: too much too soon [Re: Logan]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Logan,
It is great to hear that you have a long term relationship with a wonderful women. I really am happy for you. If your T is the one that I know that you have been seeing in Jersey then you are in good hands and I know he will guide you thru this.

Jason
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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