***TRIGGER WARNING****TRIGGER WARNING****TRIGGER WARNING***
“Sticks & stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
My brothers, how many of us here have heard those words as young boys?
However my brothers as some of us know all to well, it was a false saying.
How many of us here had suffered having been taught that we were worthless. We were useless & we would never amount to anything, (“mom. “), or we were strong boys with a weak mind (stepfather), by our parents or stepparents?
How many of us had to endure listening to those powerful words?
How many of us boys had that drilled constantly into our heart, mind, body & soul?
How could the person that brought you into this world teach you hate & fear?
She would break her young boy’s spirit. She will take away his innocence. She will mark him for life. She will destroy him emotionally, mentally, physically & eventually sexually.
In my religious training (Catholic), this young boy was taught, “We were a precious gift from God to our parent(s).” “Made in His image & likeness.” I was born a gay boy.
I had lived my life believing those powerful & damaging words. I believed that I was indeed useless, worthless & would never amount to anything boy/man.
I had proved my usefulness & worth to the person whom at the age of eight I had adopted to become the parent(s) that I never had. His name was Ralph. Moreover, I would have an emotional, mental bonding with him, for the rest of my life. However, that is another story.
I tried to prove her wrong as that young boy, as I would in whatever task that was offered to me put everything that I possessed into accomplishing that task against all the odds placed in front of me either by others or by myself. No self-esteem. No self worth. Becoming an alcoholic. In trying to run away from myself. Trying to drown that young boy from my mind, body & soul.
The only saving thing that I had was the will that I was that young boy who had a strong back & a weak mind. It would take that boy’s strong back mostly for the rest of his life to prove her & anyone else that they were wrong. He would also prove her wrong in being useless & worthless. He would prove her wrong in never amounting to any thing. Right up to this day.
This month is the 50th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis. The closest that the USA, Russia & the world ever came to a nuclear war. We were in DEFCOM two, nuclear weapons cocked & ready to go. In addition, the Russians had theirs weapons ready too. The world was facing nuclear annialation. For two weeks, the world held its breath. Fortunately, because both leaders were concerned about what would happen to their children then what would happen to humankind?
Every day upon rising from bed, I look around my room. I look at pictures of my boys.
Sons & grandsons. I look at a montage of my family photos. From this boy/man in his youth. To the photo’s of his two sons. In addition, to the photo’s of his two grandsons.
I look at a reminder of my service to my country. In the Air Force, for 23 years. Five Honorable discharge forms. Those did not come easy for this boy/man in the beginning, as I had no respect for authority. How could I have? I was taught about hate & fear.
However, this boy/man was determined to be the best Airman he could become. First, he had to overcome those words drilled into his mind, body & soul. He had to prove to his “mom” that he was not worthless, useless & would ever amount to anything.
He has to prove to himself every waking day, right up to this writing. That she was dead wrong. Those words never go away, especially when I am trying my best to do something and it starts going wrong. “See, I told you that you were useless, worthless & would never amount to anything “and I would become that young boy once again. He would retreat into his safe area. He would retreat into the depths of his soul.
Fifty years ago, October 14th, this boy/man was deployed to MacDill AFB, Florida as a part of the 363rd Tactical Reconnaissance Wing. 363rd Reconnaissance Technical Squadron photo lab. My job was to process the aerial film from the reconnaissance aircraft that over flew the Cuban Island searching for those missiles, Cuban & Russian military fortifications for a possible invasion of the Island if need be.
As history has recorded it both leaders has worked out an acceptable agreement and the world could breathe again. A Nuclear war was prevented. The world was safe for humanity.
This boy/man has become a part of his country’s military & political history. Right then & there was his first step in proving his “mom” DEAD wrong.
His first step in believing in himself. His first step in having some self-esteem. His value as a human being.
The President of the United States, John F. Kennedy had presented the Air Force Outstanding Unit Award to the 363rd Tactical Reconnaissance Wing. For their actions over Cuba.
Attaching that award to the others on our Recon. Wings colors. His words were to us.
“Gentlemen you take excellent pictures.”
This worthless, useless & would never amount boy/man proudly wears that award on his uniform among his other awards & decorations. Visual proof to all that he indeed amounted to something.
He would in a few years have a chance to once again prove to his “mom” that she was DEAD wrong.
Once again, that boy/man would prove his “mom” DEAD wrong.
The place was called, Vietnam. Once again, this boy/man had to prove not only to his “mom” but also to himself that she was DEAD wrong. He did his duty for his country in it’s time of need.
I also have awards & decorations on my uniform for all to see. Hey, look at me. I AMOUNTED TO SOMETHING, LOOK AT ME DAMMIT.
I still am fighting to get my self-respect & worth back. To prove to every one when I wear my in your face Vietnam Veteran’s T shirt, or when I wear my flight jacket ( I was not on flying status) ,with all those Air Force patches on it. Yes, sir it is definitely in your face.
Hey, everyone look at me. I AMOUNTED TO SOMEBODY. LOOK AT ME DAMMIT.
She still has that power & control over her unwanted boy/man. Every damn day I have to prove it to myself.
“Sticks & stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.”
Who ever said those words surely did not know my “mom.” I am not the only one in this web site who along with the sexual abuse has these additional emotional & mental battles to deal with. It still hurts; those wounds were deep in that young boy’s heart & soul. It is up to the big Pete to come to terms with himself, and that is a huge emotional & mental task.
He performs that task every day of his life. It is right there in pictures, right there in his room. For all to see, HEY I DID AMOUNT TO SOMETHING. Yes Sir, its right in your face. Now to try to convince myself every day of my life that “mom” was DEAD wrong.
Survivor of Female Abuse. I hope & pray that one day I can say those words I am a survivor of female abuse. Better yet, I am a survivor from all forms of abuse from both males & females. I had better hurry as my time is running out.
To all my brothers here I offer my compassion, understanding & hope for you in trying to come to terms with yourselves with this issue.
I wish all my brothers well in healing.
“I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity.” As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.