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#413808 - 10/21/12 09:20 AM Normals just don't understand
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Sorry to imply that we are not normal, we are very normal for the things we have been thru.

One of my parents friends, very nice guy got cancer don't recall what kind but a very treatable one that probably won't require chemo but did require surgery. It's been close to 2 weeks since he got out of the hospital and my parents are going to visit him and his wife. My mom was telling me that he has been depressed lately and said "he 's just not recovering well" and also implied that if he wouldnt be depressed things would go better. Yes, things would probably go a lot better if he wasn't depressed but he is and it's not just something you just decide not to be. To take her logic a bit further he would be a lot healthier and things would be much better if he didn't get cancer in the first place. Anyway, it just angers me sometimes when people think its just so easy and always possible to just not be depressed not be anxious and not be self destructive.

Sorry, rant over
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"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#413810 - 10/21/12 09:26 AM Re: Normals just don't understand [Re: onlyakid]
WVguy Offline


Registered: 09/22/12
Posts: 18
Loc: Upstate New York
I think it's ironic that I just came to the forums after reading an article about how to love and help someone with depression.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-to-love-someone-with-depression/

I think there are a lot of us that deal with that and I think that article does a really good job at explaining depression in a way that someone who has never dealt with it will understand. I know when I read it I felt like it completely encapsulated how I feel when I fall into that black depression. Hang in there Onlyakid. Maybe that article could help your mom understand a little better that you just can't "snap out of it"

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#413811 - 10/21/12 09:59 AM Re: Normals just don't understand [Re: onlyakid]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
OaK,

That was a pretty short rant. You could probably let it out a lot more, and not even worry about apologizing afterwards.

The fact is that you are correct on a few points: One) we aren't normal; Two) the Normals don't get it; and Three) there's a similarity between CSA and cancer.

Like cancer, CSA eats at us from the inside, and without treatment and recovery, can overwhelm us and take us down.

But has any normal *EVER* cooked us a meal to help us get over our CSA depression? My guess is: nope, not once ever.

The normals, especially women, have this instinct to cook meals and help those that have undergone surgery, deaths in the family, cancer, etc... But mention CSA, and zero, zip, nada.

Every time the normals voluntarily enforce the taboo, it gives power to our perps and further damages our recovery. Silence is not neutral; denial doesn't make *OUR* pain and depression and anxiety and self-destructive behavior go away.

The silence of the normals gives comfort to our perps. The motherfuckers.

That's my rant, and I'm not apologizing for it. You shouldn't either. You have every right to be pissed off.
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#413817 - 10/21/12 11:53 AM * [Re: onlyakid]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:40 PM)

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#413818 - 10/21/12 11:59 AM Re: Normals just don't understand [Re: onlyakid]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
((((Gary)))))

I'm with you, buddy.
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#413821 - 10/21/12 12:35 PM Re: Normals just don't understand [Re: onlyakid]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Good rants guys.

I have a good friend who didn't get it at first. Took him a while to understand I didn't need suggestions or fixes, just an ear. But there are normals who get it.

He really got it several weeks ago when he was in a bad wreck and had to deal more with mental/emotional trauma than any physical injuries. In short, he walked a mile in my shoes...having people asking him why he just didn't get over it, etc. Boy, that cemented our friendship but good.

Consequently, as I'm going thru my latest little medical bump, not only is he there for me in ways that are really effective, we can even joke about it because it's like we share a secret...we're both a mess. ;-)

He's definitely one who gets it. For me ITRW, all it takes is just having ONE friend who, for whatever reason, GETS IT. Man, I'm lucky.

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#413903 - 10/22/12 02:29 AM Re: Normals just don't understand [Re: onlyakid]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I think this is part of the reason, I've been putting off calling to make an appointment with a new T. I live with my mother so I have to tell her where I'm going and I just feel like ill be judged and she'll wonder why am I still dealing with this, why can't I just let it go. I guess maybe I should just tell myself who cares what she thinks I'm not going to get better without help and just do it. But that is easier said then done.
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#413952 - 10/22/12 01:04 PM Re: Normals just don't understand [Re: onlyakid]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1928
Loc: durham, north england
While I broardly speaking agree, I do think there are perhaps a number of points here which are not quite the same.

First, yes, there are some general facts that society, by which I mean the media, certain parties in the medical profession and bodies in academia not to mention various groups and associations don't want to acknolige the fact of male sa. This is perfectly true.

However equally there is a major difference betwene "society" in that sense, and actual people we might encounter, for all that the one will affect the other by preconceptions.

For example, I happen to have a friend who is a qualified counsellor. As! a qualified counsellor, she'd not heard of male sa, much less male sa by females. However, when (as a friend not as her patient), I wound up disclosing to her, she actually said it made huge amounts of sense, then later on admitted to me that it'd changed her opinion on the subject.

Yes, it is true that people do not "get" a lot of things that survivers go through. it's also true however that certain people have a function of empathetic imagination that allows them to imagine the experiences of others and their literal feeling and dayly affect.

this is something I've noticed a lot on this site, sinse even though there are people with vastly different abuse history, there is usually a good amount of understanding. I for instance never experienced abuse by a parent, that however doesn't mean I sit in a corner and say "Oh you do not understand!" whenever someone who has comments on my experiences or feelings, indeed some of the most helpfull comments I've had have been from people with different experiences to mine.
Of course, not everyone has this faculty, and lots of people indeed don't like to think of bad stuff at all.

i remember once when i fell down a short flight of steps and hurt my ancle, the first thing a passer by tried to do was attempt to haul me to my feet and get me to stand up, as though that! would make it better as if it hadn't happened. Needless to say with a severely sprained if not broken ancle this was a very bad idea indeed, and I needed to sit for half an hour before I was able to walk home.

while however there are lots! of stupid people out there, one thing I would rather avoid is cleaquism.

I am visually impared. There are a lot of blind people who only interact with other blind people, live sterriotypically "blind" lives and avoid "the normals" "because they don't understand!"

This just results in "the blind" being a group on their own and apart, shut in a little box which also reinforces all those negative views.

Myself, I try and go out into the world, do what I do and make! people understand my experiences with lack of eyeballs, using all the tools of empathy and persuasion at my command.

for instance, if someone starts avoiding expressions like "don't you see" or "I see" I point this out to them, and when they stammer something about "not giving offense" I point out that if such language offended me, i'd be spending a hell of a long time being offended! (plus, I do have some working vision anyway).

I haven't yet been able to be this open about my sa or any of it's affects, such as genophobia or depression or anything else, but one day i do hope to be, sinse the cure for ignorance for at least a certain percentage of people is simply information and familiarity, for all there will always be some idiots.

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#413961 - 10/22/12 02:30 PM Re: Normals just don't understand [Re: onlyakid]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1288
Loc: kansas
..


Edited by Obi (10/22/12 03:30 PM)
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#413991 - 10/22/12 08:16 PM Re: Normals just don't understand [Re: onlyakid]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
OMG! Why didn't I think of where your mother was taking this?

Guys!!!! Let's just get over it!!! OK?

Our lives would be SO much better if we'd just get over it!

Who taught you to call them "normals" anyway?
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