How come I, and I suspect many of you out there, know what is going on, know what causes our problems, know what we need to do, but somehow can't get our heads around doing it ?
I read the books, I learn SO MUCH from you guys it's frightening, I did a class in psychology and I'm doing counsellor training, so by now I sould be a friggin expert who's completely cured and perfectly balanced. But I'm not.
The truth is I'll never be an expert or attain a 'cure' because there isn't one, but I still feel so much frustration at not being able to achieve the goals I want.
And to add to that frustration I think I know the "why's and how's" of achieving those goals. But maybe I don't ? I'm no expert and I know that self analysis is notoriously difficult.
Do we swop our old survival techniques, the acting out, denial, dissasociation etc for new ones or just adapt the old ones ?
Have I just traded my old obsessive compulsive ways of acting out, online porn for spending hours reading survivors 'manuals' and participating here ? And if I have is it such a bad trade off ?
Well, I'd have to say it's a terrific trade off, but I still have the OCD, so it's "good news / bad news" If I lost the OCD would I lose interest in everything I do ? Because I recognize that most things I enjoy I get obsessive about, and I don't want to end up being a couch potato.
I know I still have great problems relating to my parents, and they weren't my abusers. I just feel let down by them. But there's nothing logical about my feelings at all. My mother is fearsome, and would have killed them at the time. I know they love me dearly. So where's my problem ?
Most of all I still have great problems being intimate with my wife, who's a very sensual woman.
I can talk to her about acting out and giving BJ's to strangers, I tell her EVERYTHING. But I can't say "Fancy a quicky then ?" and I can't talk, or show love by kissing, when we make love.
I know why, it's in the details of my abuse, and I can talk the talk about overcoming it. But I can't actually do it.
So, what do we have to do to jump that final fence and practice what we preach ?
Are we still bound by our old beliefs of our worthlessness, our low self esteem. Do we still cling to the comfortable feeling that we can't possible achieve anything good ?
I know that I used to self destruct whenever I approached doing anything well, the thought that I couldn't possibly achieve anything made me fear it. And the prospect of the huge fall that would 'inevitably' come was all the confirmation I needed to pull the plug, act stupid, and fail.
Is this such a hard thing to overcome, I guess it is. Even the prospect of achieving 'recovery' is still tainted by my low expectations.
I admit they're way higher than they were and I have achieved a great deal, but I sense that the old ways are still there to a degree.
Maybe I haven't traded them in for new ones, maybe I've just modified them to suit my recovery.
Some of the first words my therapist said to me were "David, it's not going to be easy" luckily I believed him.
I'm not complaing, I've come a long way I know, I suppose I've just remembered that it aint a quick fix.