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#413828 - 10/21/12 02:57 PM Grieving over not having kids
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
I'm 44 so that chance has all but disappeared. Anyone else go through this?
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#413829 - 10/21/12 03:11 PM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: phoenix321]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
Not necessarily! My father was 49 when he married my mother, and it was a few years before my older sister was born, another few before I was born, and my younger sister was born when he was 60!!!

So don't give up yet. God knows the desires of your heart and can do miracles.

My wife and I have 9 in all, but only have 3 we get to raise. The others are truly in a far better place with a Father I could never hope to come close to.

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#413836 - 10/21/12 05:05 PM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: phoenix321]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Phoenix,
If you are serious about wanting a child and feel like you could really help a child out then look into adoption bro. They have all ages and races of kids that need a good home. I am sure that you already know this but it is a very unselfish act that can change a kids life for the better. We just had a service this morning at church titled "Legacy". Got we to thinking about what legacy will I be leaving. The scripture says that a righteous man will be remembered forever. So wether you have a child or not you can still leave a legacy. I hope you get to feeling better about this friend.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#413871 - 10/21/12 11:13 PM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: JustScott]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: JustScott
Not necessarily! My father was 49 when he married my mother, and it was a few years before my older sister was born, another few before I was born, and my younger sister was born when he was 60!!!

So don't give up yet. God knows the desires of your heart and can do miracles.

My wife and I have 9 in all, but only have 3 we get to raise. The others are truly in a far better place with a Father I could never hope to come close to.


I'm grieving over the loss of my life to CSA and other abuse which caused me to hate myself for 40.5 years more than anything. Lack of kids not mate hurts me more though.

Thanks. Considering the emotional problems on my sperm donor's side of the family (most are f*cked up) and I'm Bipolar, I would hate to think what offspring from me would have since he/she would be 75% likely to have those problems, too. I can't wish the shit I've gone through with Bipolar on any offspring. It really wouldn't be fair. So, in many respects, I'm glad it didn't happen, but it would've been nice to have had the fucking opportunity and not hated myself for 40.5 years ruining my life.

I've done a lot, accomplished a lot and just don't see the point of life anymore without a mate and friends. Before that, I have to feel. Nobody wants an emotionally cold person (many have told me that and I know its the reason I have not married due to no one wanting me) except maybe God and I still have no clue why he's come to me twice. I did not seek him out. Yes, that's self-hate, but I can't return much emotionally to him since I don't receive anything myself. I guess cause he's God. I don't know.


Edited by phoenix321 (10/21/12 11:17 PM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#413880 - 10/21/12 11:47 PM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: phoenix321]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
both extremes - i read about guys like you who long for kids and i have a hard time even imagining that - and then there are others like me - who are scared to death to have kids and try their best to avoid it.

i was sure if i ever had kids that they would be doomed to have a screwed up life because of having me for a dad. we waited for years before we tried to have a baby. finally gave in to my wife's desire. lost 2 before we had a success at nearly 10 yrs into the marriage. then lost another before having our 2nd. the 3rd pregnancy was a surprise - not least because of my difficulties with intimacy that were really kicking in at that stage. that one made it, too.

so i was dragged very reluctantly into fatherhood. it wasn't easy. i was scared and insecure and less than the ideal dad that i'd have wanted to have or to be. but i guess i didn't ruin them, by God's grace - and my wife's incredible mothering instincts.

what's the point? i dunno - just that whatever happens, it is difficult, i guess. i sometimes envied others their unattached life-style. others are jealous of my ability to have kids. is anybody content?

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#413895 - 10/22/12 01:16 AM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: traveler]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: traveler
both extremes - i read about guys like you who long for kids and i have a hard time even imagining that - and then there are others like me - who are scared to death to have kids and try their best to avoid it.

i was sure if i ever had kids that they would be doomed to have a screwed up life because of having me for a dad. we waited for years before we tried to have a baby. finally gave in to my wife's desire. lost 2 before we had a success at nearly 10 yrs into the marriage. then lost another before having our 2nd. the 3rd pregnancy was a surprise - not least because of my difficulties with intimacy that were really kicking in at that stage. that one made it, too.

so i was dragged very reluctantly into fatherhood. it wasn't easy. i was scared and insecure and less than the ideal dad that i'd have wanted to have or to be. but i guess i didn't ruin them, by God's grace - and my wife's incredible mothering instincts.

what's the point? i dunno - just that whatever happens, it is difficult, i guess. i sometimes envied others their unattached life-style. others are jealous of my ability to have kids. is anybody content?

Lee


Lee, let's see. You found a wife who loves you and kids who love you. I've had no love whatsoever in my life ever. I've had two dates and both were disasters. The first started dating another guy the week after (two days later) and didn't tell me. The 2nd just went for the free dinner. I'd be happy with a wife. As far as kids, I wanted the opportunity and didn't get it. I don't want kids now. 44 is too old for them. frown I need to go look for some casual sex soon.


Edited by phoenix321 (10/22/12 01:19 AM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#413899 - 10/22/12 01:40 AM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: phoenix321]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Yes, me too. frown

I do have a wonderful young man whom I consider to be my Son. Right now our relationship is online. I hope he can come live with me someday. This is very healing to me.
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#413937 - 10/22/12 10:01 AM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: Undefeated]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Undefeated
Yes, me too. frown

I do have a wonderful young man whom I consider to be my Son. Right now our relationship is online. I hope he can come live with me someday. This is very healing to me.


Sorry, Undefeated.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#413987 - 10/22/12 07:38 PM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: phoenix321]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Phoenix,

I am sorry for your loss in this area too. Having children can be one of the greatest joys and accomplishments any man can have in life. For us, this loss is tough.

If the young man I mentioned before does come live with me, it will be wonderful to have a father/son relationship. If he somehow doesn't make it here, I dread being alone. Most people have children to love them and care for them in their elder years. I may end up being all alone. frown

I hope something works out for both of us and anyone else here in the same boat.

Alan
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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#414051 - 10/23/12 09:47 AM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: Undefeated]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Undefeated
Phoenix,

I am sorry for your loss in this area too. Having children can be one of the greatest joys and accomplishments any man can have in life. For us, this loss is tough.

If the young man I mentioned before does come live with me, it will be wonderful to have a father/son relationship. If he somehow doesn't make it here, I dread being alone. Most people have children to love them and care for them in their elder years. I may end up being all alone. frown

I hope something works out for both of us and anyone else here in the same boat.

Alan


Hey Alan,

I've looked up not being able to have children and women say it is a terrible thing to grieve over. Men don't seem to talk about it much I could find. Many hugs for you cause I know how you feel. It's grieving over losing 4 decades totally for me. I had hopes to find love when I was a teen and then in my 20s. I was incredibly screwed up then. But, it just causes me sadness no one ever thought I was worth it and God didn't see to mind seeing me suffer daily without sending help even when I asked. It's not like I didn't ask for things. Just seemed life and God and everyone else told me, "hey, someone worse off to deal with", which said to me, you don't count, pal. I hope you are not in that place like me.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#414075 - 10/23/12 02:54 PM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: phoenix321]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1437
Loc: California
Phoenix,

I'm in that space right now. Emotionally, I'm completely raw and angry and filled with pain for exactly the same things you stated above. Feeling abandoned by God, feeling like my prayers were ignored. In spite of all the work I'd done to try and recover what was stolen from me, I also watched my 20's and 30's wither away. In my youth, I too, had hopes of having a relationship and raising a family.

Now, at almost 41 years of age, I have the same anger and fear you have. To the letter.

What I'm grappling with is how I'm choosing to respond to it. I've been sitting in my anger and fear. It's very difficult for me to acknowledge the work I've done, and the progress I've made. It's near impossible to do that when I'm feeling completely lonely all the time.

So, because I don't know what else to do, other than to continue seeing my therapist, is to get myself to as many supportive meetings as possible. I have found in my experience that Alanon can bring a little measure of support and connection. So I'll be attending as many alanon meetings as I can get to. It's better than the alternative, stewing alone in my own anger and pain.

Best of luck to you dude. I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again - because I need to remind myself right now. We have the power to choose our responses to our situations, and as a result, ultimately have the power to change our lives because of the power of choice.

I'm choosing to not keep doing the same thing I've been doing, which results in my getting more and more upset and angry.

D
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#414086 - 10/23/12 04:53 PM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: phoenix321]
monkey Offline


Registered: 12/04/11
Posts: 53
Loc: IL
Having kids was one of the many things I wanted out of life. Even after my CSA I made a promise to God that he would not even come close to having a childhood like mine. Of course no one can guarantee that. Life happens even with the most protective parents. I constantly prayed that I would have kids. Even after I got married and found my wife didn't really want kids right away(bummer and shocker) that I still longed to hold my own child in my arms. So for the first 15 years of our marriage we borrowed other's kids(family and/or friends) to take under our wings when we had the chance. I kept my fatherly feelings to myself and kept an angry attitude with God wondering why he was doing this to me. He knew how much I loved kids. Was He punishing me?? was all I could think. After my wife decided that we could start having children we found it was very difficult for her to even conceive. SO we went to the point of one hormone treatment. At first we didn't think it took. But we did have one little miracle of hope when she became pregnant. I was both elated(beyond words) and scared at the same time about what kind of father will I become. What will be in store for this child having a survivor for a father. But my fears turned into traumatic grief when we lost the baby after 4 months. Again I turned to God asking why He hated me and what did I do to deserve this.
Now that i am 47 and my wife is 48, she knows it won't happen and with her health problems, it definitely won't. Only that miracle from God would make that change. And financially we can't afford adoption. We have several families pushing us in that direction, but my wife won't appeal to that. As I sit here with my head in my hands still longing for a child. Still rips my heart open. Yes I am blessed to have a wife. But there is always that hole in my heart for a child.
So I go on life childless, yet have many kids that I do take under my wing. But they are not my own.

Thanks for opening this discussions. I have wanted to get that off my chest for some time. There is more feelings behind it that go deeper.
_________________________
Monkey(Mark)
The Flower Unfolding

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#414091 - 10/23/12 07:06 PM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: phoenix321]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Magellan, I know what you feel. I've hated myself for 40 years, thought things would change and they haven't. Just got worse to be honest. I really have no clue what else I could have done to get help. Went to shrinks and they just screwed me over, went to God and no answers, went to churches and no answers. I don't like for some abstract thing called heaven. Today, I don't take no for answer from anyone including God. He either is the great friend and will do what he said or he won't. I hope he does, but this is it for hope. I have nothing more to give. It's time for me to get. That's where I am. I'm tired of always not counting or being too much trouble.

Monkey, I'm sorry. frown That sucks to get to the withing sight of the prize and it get taken away. You got a wife. Definitely be thankful, because most women don't want a guy with CSA in their background I found. I'm worse off considering I couldn't even get someone to marry my sorry ass. Not good enough was what I was told all along. I'm making peace with not having kids because a) I wasn't ready and still am not b) I could pass some shit to them and that's 75% or more likely (worst part would be me to be selfish, have a kid and he/she have to deal with Bipolar--or something else on my sperm donor's side--that I won't do but at 18-30 I would have--I just wanted the opportunity) and c) I'm too old (unless I married a 20 year old or something). I did want a wedding and hated going to them because back then I thought that would never happen to me. frown God has to do something because I'm sick of asking and not getting. He didn't mind me doing a whole bunch of shit for him though. If I hadn't done anything, it would be different, but I did do a lot. I just want to go to heaven. I really don't give a shit about riches when I get there. You're perfect and none of this shit and pain exists anymore when you get there, right? I mean, God, duh! LOL Give me the wife I need and want cause I know true friends are far and few between if you have even one. I could live with that. I can't live with being alone anymore.

Thanks, everyone for responding.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#414095 - 10/23/12 08:38 PM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: phoenix321]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Guys,

This is a difficult subject, but it's helpful for me to know that I am not the only one grieving not having children.

Just this evening, I was out bike riding and I saw a father in the park playing street hockey with his two boys. I was glad for the father and the two boys, but whenever I see this kind of thing, it's like being stabbed in the heart. frown

I know this is non-related but another thing I saw while bike riding was tough too. I saw five boys in a driveway, playing basketball. I noticed the body language of one boy. He looked rather self-conscious and kind of uncomfortable. I remember that feeling well and it was miserable. I never felt like one of the other boys. I felt like I was inferior and could never compete with them. I always envied the boys who had self-confidence and didn't have that gnawing discomfort of being less than a boy/man.

Phoenix, Magellan and Monkey, I am sorry for the pain you each feel about this, but I definitely understand. It's a legitimate feeling and we do need to grieve the real loss in our lives.

Alan
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

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