Newest Members
JayNL, Robert Barrett, lostsoul824, beatcook, MassGuy
12279 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Daniel McKinney (35), Framery (44), JohanDoug (70), ltlkty (55)
Who's Online
2 registered (AlexT, ACRoberts), 16 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12279 Members
73 Forums
63179 Topics
441785 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2
Topic Options
#414075 - 10/23/12 02:54 PM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: phoenix321]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Phoenix,

I'm in that space right now. Emotionally, I'm completely raw and angry and filled with pain for exactly the same things you stated above. Feeling abandoned by God, feeling like my prayers were ignored. In spite of all the work I'd done to try and recover what was stolen from me, I also watched my 20's and 30's wither away. In my youth, I too, had hopes of having a relationship and raising a family.

Now, at almost 41 years of age, I have the same anger and fear you have. To the letter.

What I'm grappling with is how I'm choosing to respond to it. I've been sitting in my anger and fear. It's very difficult for me to acknowledge the work I've done, and the progress I've made. It's near impossible to do that when I'm feeling completely lonely all the time.

So, because I don't know what else to do, other than to continue seeing my therapist, is to get myself to as many supportive meetings as possible. I have found in my experience that Alanon can bring a little measure of support and connection. So I'll be attending as many alanon meetings as I can get to. It's better than the alternative, stewing alone in my own anger and pain.

Best of luck to you dude. I know I've said it before, and I'll say it again - because I need to remind myself right now. We have the power to choose our responses to our situations, and as a result, ultimately have the power to change our lives because of the power of choice.

I'm choosing to not keep doing the same thing I've been doing, which results in my getting more and more upset and angry.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#414086 - 10/23/12 04:53 PM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: phoenix321]
monkey Offline


Registered: 12/04/11
Posts: 53
Loc: IL
Having kids was one of the many things I wanted out of life. Even after my CSA I made a promise to God that he would not even come close to having a childhood like mine. Of course no one can guarantee that. Life happens even with the most protective parents. I constantly prayed that I would have kids. Even after I got married and found my wife didn't really want kids right away(bummer and shocker) that I still longed to hold my own child in my arms. So for the first 15 years of our marriage we borrowed other's kids(family and/or friends) to take under our wings when we had the chance. I kept my fatherly feelings to myself and kept an angry attitude with God wondering why he was doing this to me. He knew how much I loved kids. Was He punishing me?? was all I could think. After my wife decided that we could start having children we found it was very difficult for her to even conceive. SO we went to the point of one hormone treatment. At first we didn't think it took. But we did have one little miracle of hope when she became pregnant. I was both elated(beyond words) and scared at the same time about what kind of father will I become. What will be in store for this child having a survivor for a father. But my fears turned into traumatic grief when we lost the baby after 4 months. Again I turned to God asking why He hated me and what did I do to deserve this.
Now that i am 47 and my wife is 48, she knows it won't happen and with her health problems, it definitely won't. Only that miracle from God would make that change. And financially we can't afford adoption. We have several families pushing us in that direction, but my wife won't appeal to that. As I sit here with my head in my hands still longing for a child. Still rips my heart open. Yes I am blessed to have a wife. But there is always that hole in my heart for a child.
So I go on life childless, yet have many kids that I do take under my wing. But they are not my own.

Thanks for opening this discussions. I have wanted to get that off my chest for some time. There is more feelings behind it that go deeper.
_________________________
Monkey(Mark)
The Flower Unfolding

Top
#414091 - 10/23/12 07:06 PM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: phoenix321]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Magellan, I know what you feel. I've hated myself for 40 years, thought things would change and they haven't. Just got worse to be honest. I really have no clue what else I could have done to get help. Went to shrinks and they just screwed me over, went to God and no answers, went to churches and no answers. I don't like for some abstract thing called heaven. Today, I don't take no for answer from anyone including God. He either is the great friend and will do what he said or he won't. I hope he does, but this is it for hope. I have nothing more to give. It's time for me to get. That's where I am. I'm tired of always not counting or being too much trouble.

Monkey, I'm sorry. frown That sucks to get to the withing sight of the prize and it get taken away. You got a wife. Definitely be thankful, because most women don't want a guy with CSA in their background I found. I'm worse off considering I couldn't even get someone to marry my sorry ass. Not good enough was what I was told all along. I'm making peace with not having kids because a) I wasn't ready and still am not b) I could pass some shit to them and that's 75% or more likely (worst part would be me to be selfish, have a kid and he/she have to deal with Bipolar--or something else on my sperm donor's side--that I won't do but at 18-30 I would have--I just wanted the opportunity) and c) I'm too old (unless I married a 20 year old or something). I did want a wedding and hated going to them because back then I thought that would never happen to me. frown God has to do something because I'm sick of asking and not getting. He didn't mind me doing a whole bunch of shit for him though. If I hadn't done anything, it would be different, but I did do a lot. I just want to go to heaven. I really don't give a shit about riches when I get there. You're perfect and none of this shit and pain exists anymore when you get there, right? I mean, God, duh! LOL Give me the wife I need and want cause I know true friends are far and few between if you have even one. I could live with that. I can't live with being alone anymore.

Thanks, everyone for responding.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#414095 - 10/23/12 08:38 PM Re: Grieving over not having kids [Re: phoenix321]
Undefeated Offline


Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 175
Loc: Colorado, USA
Guys,

This is a difficult subject, but it's helpful for me to know that I am not the only one grieving not having children.

Just this evening, I was out bike riding and I saw a father in the park playing street hockey with his two boys. I was glad for the father and the two boys, but whenever I see this kind of thing, it's like being stabbed in the heart. frown

I know this is non-related but another thing I saw while bike riding was tough too. I saw five boys in a driveway, playing basketball. I noticed the body language of one boy. He looked rather self-conscious and kind of uncomfortable. I remember that feeling well and it was miserable. I never felt like one of the other boys. I felt like I was inferior and could never compete with them. I always envied the boys who had self-confidence and didn't have that gnawing discomfort of being less than a boy/man.

Phoenix, Magellan and Monkey, I am sorry for the pain you each feel about this, but I definitely understand. It's a legitimate feeling and we do need to grieve the real loss in our lives.

Alan
_________________________
"The sexual abuse and exploitation of children is one of the most vicious crimes conceivable, a violation of mankind's most basic duty to protect the innocent." ~James T. Walsh

Top
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2


Moderator:  ModTeam 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.