Your feelings are very normal i think, I feel that way sometimes, and i know a lot of partners do too.
I don't think you are being selfish in any way. Vent all you want, and feelings are never selfish or whatever, they are just there, a signal. Take them seriously.
I don't know if im correct when i say that i think a lot of relationships between CSA victoms/survivors, and their partners, are very complex and so are the feelings that come with it.
You sort of contradict yourself when you say:
a big part of me feels that since i was the one who was not abused- i can't be hurt. is that weird? like the abuse is a trump card?
You have been hurt by all of this RunningOnEmpty, face it!
I feel betrayed. I feel disappointed. My H recently went to a Weekend of Recovery. I am so proud of him. However, I am so angry at him.
I've been with this man for 10 years and I have given him all of me. I bear my emotions, my heart, my experiences. So for 10 years he hasn't been doing the same. I THOUGHT that I knew my h. But nope. I thought he was as emotionally intimate in the marriage like I was. Nope. I feel like a fool. I have delt with so much manipulation and emotional turmoil from this man and if it wasn't for my faith, and my determination, he would be at a very different point in his life. So while he is healing, and getting better, what about me??
You know you haven't got a trump card.
If you had, you would have used it by now,
I know i would have.
I also think these feelings have nothing to do with co-dependancy, you just want the best for your family, like you say you have given it your all, and now it looks like you heading for more calm waters, you finally can deal with your own pain and disappointment and betrayal issues.
Its normal, allthough confusing, that these feelings surface when your husband is doing better.
There is a lot of information about this very issue on www.recoverynation.com
Talking with a therapist, someone for you alone, writing etc, also helps. So vent away
Your feelings are perfectly valid and need to be adressed that way to.
My husband never says: "you weren't the one that was abused", but i know he thinks and feels that way sometimes.
I was happy before, and now im stuck with a bunch of crap. My values, dreams, even the way i look at people, has been altered by all of this.
Thats not a small deal at all. Some partners on this forum call it hell sometimes. And i feel that way to on some days.
But its our hurt and pain and only we can make that heal. Don't wait for a troubled man to adress your pain, do it yourself, (in the first place)
Good luck runningOnEmpty, hang in there.