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#413726 - 10/20/12 02:08 AM another failed relationship
sailfish Offline


Registered: 10/20/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Virginia
About seven months ago I broke up with the woman I had been dating for three years in order to date a younger friend and I am just realizing what huge mistake I have made. I love this woman dearly and now I fear that the lies, pain and torment are more than I can recover from. I realize now, at least I think, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Why do I always sabotage my relationships and how can I stop?

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#413727 - 10/20/12 02:29 AM Re: another failed relationship [Re: sailfish]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1567
Loc: New England
Hi Sailfish,

See my PM.


Jude


Edited by Jude (10/20/12 02:46 AM)
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#413760 - 10/20/12 03:46 PM Re: another failed relationship [Re: sailfish]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
Sailfish,

Welcome to MS. It could be that there's part of you that's afraid to take a relationship further... we don't know your background, so it's hard to know where to begin.

Take some time and look through MS and read some posts. Look at the Introductions and Survivor Stories forums.

Coming here is a step in the right direction.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#413859 - 10/21/12 09:48 PM Re: another failed relationship [Re: cant_remember]
sailfish Offline


Registered: 10/20/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Virginia
Thanks Can't..... I'm just getting started. It's painful but I feel comfort in what seems like real recovery on this site. I hope to offer a healthier man in my future relationships and become a survivor who can help others.
Sailfish

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#413865 - 10/21/12 10:34 PM Re: another failed relationship [Re: sailfish]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 341
Loc: Ohio
Progress can be made with regard to not sabotaging relationships. Although there are a lot of variables involved, learning lessons regarding relationships took me to a much better place with them. At least my behaviors in the current relationship I have and the one prior have been much improved. I found this to be more from my working on my dysfunctional coping behaviors after CSA than from working on the CSA directly though.

Sounds like you have the right idea - waiting to offer the healthier man approach. I had to give time time to make progress after relationships that didn't work (clean up my side of the street) before jumping into the next one, otherwise nothing was likely to change. No matter what relationship partner I have, I'll always have me in that relationship equation. Once I make some progress on my self, then the next one will likely have a better chance (& I'll likely attract someone more that meshes with where I'm at then, a more improved version of myself than the one before hopefully).

I'm still too cautious and remain vigilant regarding the partnering relationship I have now to say I've already made all the progress needed, but after 3+ years, things are still looking good. I've never made it more than 5 1/2 years, and never quite to 4 years within a gay relationship before, but this one feels like it might have legs, yay.

But, I first started looking at CSA stuff in therapy back in '94. I'm slow, but maybe I'm on track this time for both keeping that CSA history and, through recovery, keeping my own dysfunctional coping mechanisms in check so they won't derail an otherwise healthy relationship this time. (The most recent one prior was also a decent relationship on my end, it just didn't turn out to be long-term workable.)

Hope your path to getting healthier is quicker than mine, still, I'm grateful for the progress I have made. Plenty of years I didn't think that it would ever really happen for me.

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#414020 - 10/23/12 12:32 AM Re: another failed relationship [Re: kcinohio]
sailfish Offline


Registered: 10/20/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Virginia
Thanks for the encouragement. I will be comfortable with any palpable progress. Any......

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#414125 - 10/24/12 02:19 AM Re: another failed relationship [Re: sailfish]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Sailfish and welcome.

One great way to make progress is to start talking about the abuse so that you can begin to get it out there and start to deal with it.

Consider posting your story here and it would be a big step in the healing process.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#414134 - 10/24/12 06:37 AM Re: another failed relationship [Re: sailfish]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Welcome Sailfish. My thot's been that just by posting here as you did you're helping someone who's gonna say to himself, "Yeah. That's me."

Good step. Go at your own pace.

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#414816 - 10/31/12 12:23 AM Re: another failed relationship [Re: sailfish]
sailfish Offline


Registered: 10/20/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Virginia
Thanks guys

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#414817 - 10/31/12 12:26 AM Re: another failed relationship [Re: sailfish]
sailfish Offline


Registered: 10/20/12
Posts: 10
Loc: Virginia
Thanks guys

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