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#413723 - 10/20/12 01:19 AM Sexual behavior towards my Mother
DarkHadou Offline


Registered: 10/13/10
Posts: 117
Will probably gross many out but I'm just writing it the way it is.

Why hasn't she asked for the specifics of what sexual acts took place during the abuse? I did reveal some, only some when I told her about it. But that was the only time. For some strange reason I would then ejaculate while talking to her about the abuse more than when I masturbated, but I had clothes on of course. That lasted a month or so, then we stopped talking about it.

She knows there is something wrong with me sexually I believe. For one, I never had a girlfriend and don't want to even though I recently made it clear to her that I'm not gay. I masturbate to the thought of her catching me masturbating and watching. I picture her doing it to me. She knows I do it for the strong smell of it in my bedroom and the fact there are always tissue paper on the floor and the semen stains she found on my underwear recently. This happened as a teenager. She was in the attic in another house and found a bag of them. I hid all of it there because she used to do my laundry but I didn't want her to notice anything. She asked me in the car about it but I denied it completely. Only until now she has seen this again and hand washed them. I masturbate to that thought. I really want her to catch me masturbating.

I've seen her in a bra before but it's only a few times when she doesn't mind. I've seen her in a towel before by accident. I know she thinks there is something wrong with me sexually. Once she was paranoid to the point she believed I had installed a hidden camera in her bedroom, but I didn't. I think I know why she thinks this, probably because she was doing sexual things with my dad at the time who is my abuser. I was also gang raped by 2 older boys at 5 but he was the one who did it for many years.

What would a mom think about a 28 year old guy who masturbates in his room and knows it by the evidence? Why would she hand wash the underwear with semen on them and one of them even had a tissue inside.

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#413725 - 10/20/12 01:55 AM Re: Sexual behavior towards my Mother [Re: DarkHadou]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1467
Loc: New England
Dear DH,

See the PM I sent you.


Edited by Jude (10/20/12 02:17 AM)

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#413728 - 10/20/12 04:12 AM Re: Sexual behavior towards my Mother [Re: DarkHadou]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
DH,
Masturbating is a natural act, I suspect that many mothers know that their sons do it and it is not unusual for them to do so.

As far as the specifics of what happened in the abuse, she is just giving you space, it is up to you to tell her or not tell her and to what extent you will or will not.

The sexual feelings you have most likely come from from your confusion around the abuse you suffered. My abuse was incest as well and I find myself going to incest porn sites on the internet.

If you have a therapist it is definately something that you should bring up with him or her. This is nothing to be ashamed of but probably something you should address to find out more.

Jason
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#413746 - 10/20/12 11:04 AM Re: Sexual behavior towards my Mother [Re: DarkHadou]
DarkHadou Offline


Registered: 10/13/10
Posts: 117
I admitted to the therapist that I ejaculated when talking about the abuse with my mom and that it happened several times. She didn't feel comfortable about it and didn't even comment on it. I asked her if she could explain it and she couldn't. That's all. I completed 1 year of thearpy with her in September. I am not seeing anyone at the moment. We talked about the abuse, social anxiety, my dissociative disorder. There is nothing left to talk about. Sometimes I would show up and she would ask what I want to talk about and I said I wasn't sure and she said she wasn't so we went back to the abuse, etc...

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#413756 - 10/20/12 02:14 PM Re: Sexual behavior towards my Mother [Re: DarkHadou]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
Perhaps another therapist that isn't so uncomfortable with the subject would be helpful. I went through a good 10 of them, 2-3 were one time, horrid experiences, a few marginally helpful and a couple really good for me.

I'm pretty much at the point now that going to a therapist is a case of "Yep, know that, do that, tried that, and you want me to pay for WHAT?" But, they did help for a long time.

I certainly would not put this on the shelf, I'd want to figure it out and, understand myself better.

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#413769 - 10/20/12 06:42 PM Re: Sexual behavior towards my Mother [Re: Blue1966]
DarkHadou Offline


Registered: 10/13/10
Posts: 117
it wouldn't even really help because I told her since the beginning if there was anything I couldn't talk about, she made it clear that I could talk about anything, only until at the end did I tell her about this, so what am I supposed to do? call ever therapist and ask them if I can talk about the sexual abuse in every way? it's what I did with her, and it didn't work.

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#413770 - 10/20/12 08:21 PM Re: Sexual behavior towards my Mother [Re: DarkHadou]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
Ask if they are uncomfortable with parent-child incest related topics. If they are, move on to another.

It can take some doing to find the right T at times but it is worth it when you find one that will help you.

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