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#413713 - 10/19/12 11:11 PM When You Felt Safe
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
My T asked me to think of a time/place when I felt safe, so I could mentally go there when things got rough.

This is freaking me out because I can't think of ANY time I felt safe. Even before I was raped, I never knew what my drunken parents might do next. The power would be turned off, the phone discconected, my father might disappear for a few weeks. My guard was always up as far as I can remember.

Even now I don't feel safe and I'm a grown man with grown children. Have you guys ever felt safe? Can we ever feel safe again?
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#413714 - 10/19/12 11:17 PM Re: When You Felt Safe [Re: Jude]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
At the last WoR I was at they were doing mindfulness - breathing, relaxing, and picturing a safe place.

the place that appeared immediately in my mind was my T's office. you might ask your T if this safe place needs to be a place in your past. Mine turned out to be in the present - maybe you have one now also?
_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#413717 - 10/20/12 12:48 AM Re: When You Felt Safe [Re: Jude]
Gary31 Offline


Registered: 10/16/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Upstate NY
Jude, you pose a great question. For me, I have never felt completely safe. I am 45 years old now and have only had a place that I actually consider home for about 10 years now. Although I call it home, my thoughts and nightmares still make it an unsafe place periodically.
_________________________
Gary

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#413719 - 10/20/12 01:06 AM Re: When You Felt Safe [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3420
Loc: somewhere in Africa
from the time mom re-mrried when i was 5 1/2 i never felt entirely safe. until i left "home" it was fear of step-dad and school. after that it was fear that others might find out.

i created my own safe places in my imagination. my first was a tall stone tower shaped like a rook piece in a chess set. i remember the exact moment it came into being.

most recently my safe place is a small uninhabited tropical island - weird because i am not a beach person - but it is incredibly peaceful.

in both - there is total solitude and quiet.

i guess there is some progress in that i am no longer inside - but now outside.

anyway - it works for me.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#413731 - 10/20/12 05:27 AM Re: When You Felt Safe [Re: Jude]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Oh Jude...we end up in so many threads together, huh?

My situation was different, but I'll second your T's opinion on the power of finding a safe place. In my case, I even have tangible reminders.

I was about the same age as Lee when my parents first divorced and I was forced to live with a woman who was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. That's just the way it was done back then. The mother got custody.

Dad remarried. I was able to visit a few times a year. It was a stable household in a stable neighborhood where I had friends. His second wife had already raised two kids, knew exactly what she was doing and treated me as her own. Even if I'd done something wrong, I knew both of them still loved me. But that was only a few times a year. Rest of the time was with a self-absorbed, vicious drunk.

1. A couple years ago I started a project to restore pictures from that time. Photoshop is part of my regular work anyway. I was so amazed at the results pulling up all the color and detail I remembered. I spent many evenings sobbing as the images came back to life. It was wonderful and I keep those images handy for those times when I'm low.

2. The pictures nudged me towards finding some electronics from when I was a kid. Y'know, something tangible. On eBay, of all places, I found my first tape recorder, a Christmas gift fr Dad, and I found the portable radio he used to always have with him. (Haven't seen anything like them since and I'm convinced that was something of Dad's spirit finding those for me exactly when I needed them)

After a little cleanup, they're as good as new, almost 50 years later! I cannot begin to describe the comfortable, reassuring familiarity of something as simple as the way the knobs turn or the smell of the tape. I've sometimes gone as far as to take Dad's radio to my bedside at night.


It's not a story I share too often, but it's been so damn powerful for me I want to make sure people know that about me and Dad.

...and, dammit, if I don't stop now I'm gonna get teary again.

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#413733 - 10/20/12 06:26 AM Re: When You Felt Safe [Re: Jude]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
I've said it before - safety is an illusion, one that is quickly shattered when you see the darker side of life.

Now I do feel safer in some places or with some people that others but, 100% safe? No, that is impossible.

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#413734 - 10/20/12 06:59 AM Re: When You Felt Safe [Re: Jude]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
My T asked me the same question, to think about a safe place... and I came up empty. Couldn't give him one.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#413735 - 10/20/12 07:21 AM Re: When You Felt Safe [Re: Jude]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
No safe place for me either. I'm always in survival mode.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#413740 - 10/20/12 09:36 AM Re: When You Felt Safe [Re: Jude]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Jude,

In fear of sounding ignorant Ive put off responding. I do have a question, could someone please define safe? is it emotional, physical or a combination of both? if it's a combination of both then my fear is that the only safe place I have are the lies I have told people. An imaginary life where I have had two loving parents a happy childhood. a life that I have concocted in my head so people wouldn't know how disturbing my past actually was. a lie that I continue to tell so that I fit in.

WOW. sorry Jude this simple question "When you felt safe" Has opened my eyes.
If left only to reality then No I've never felt safe in that respect.



Hope you find your safe place Jude, I will continue to look for mine.

-Jay-
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#413745 - 10/20/12 10:31 AM Re: When You Felt Safe [Re: Jude]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Old spaghetti westerns (clint eastwood) from the late 60's early 70's make me feel safe. They remind me of a time when I was a kid watching television with my father. This is the time period before I was abused. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that time and live there as an adult, even though I was just a toddler then.
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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