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#413685 - 10/19/12 05:47 PM Re: How do you make friends? [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
What?
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#413686 - 10/19/12 05:55 PM Re: How do you make friends? [Re: Magellan]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
If I can be serious for a moment (a miracle)...

Who do you go to when you're in the absolute pits? Who do you trust? You've mentioned your sponsor. Anyone else fr the rooms? What I'm suggesting is that you may already have what you're looking for (dangling preposition and all).

The other thing I'll mention is that no one friend meets all my emotional needs. James is good for tractor stuff. John is good for car stuff.

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#413687 - 10/19/12 06:03 PM Re: How do you make friends? [Re: Magellan]
Edward2 Offline


Registered: 09/30/12
Posts: 17
Loc: Maryland
Two suggestions..........

1) Join a club, volunteer or take a class or go somewhere where you can relate to somebody based on what may be a common interest: books, opera, Broadway shows, contemporary history, ancient history, whatever. I think that we find others who are also searching and have given up the traditional places to hang out when we find something that is outside ourselves. And if you volunteer, go to a place that doesn't ahve anything to do with CSA: animal shelter, working with kids from challenging backgrounds, childrens' hospital. walks for autism, whatever. Every large city has a volunteer bureau with lots of opportunities.

2) Develop new interests through books, movies, plays -- soemthing that will give you something new to talk about when you meet someone and which can be the basis for common interests. Books, etc. can be a benign way of connecting that can grow deeper over time.

3) When you initiate conversations, focus on the other person. That is always a helpful way of connecting. When the other person says, "I just came back from Europe" don't say, "I love Europe" since that takes the conversation back to you. Instead you can say, "That's great. Tell me about your trip."

4) Your writing makes it clear that you are not retarded or autistic [autism was noted in a previous posting].

5) If I lived in California I would want to be your friend. Unfortunately, I live in Maryland. But Maryland is slated to become the first state where the voters will succeed in voting FOR marriage equality in the next election. So I suppose I could say, fortunately, I live in Maryland.

Ed

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#413688 - 10/19/12 06:03 PM Re: How do you make friends? [Re: Magellan]
Edward2 Offline


Registered: 09/30/12
Posts: 17
Loc: Maryland
Actually that was four suggestions and one comment....

Ed

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#413689 - 10/19/12 06:04 PM Re: How do you make friends? [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
At the moment, my sponsor, my 4th step study group (two women), and an alanon friend. That alanon friend is also a therapist and she struggles to maintain healthy boundaries in our "friendship". We've been hanging out fairly regularly over the last 1.5 years but I'm still waiting for that inspiring spark of friendship to ignite and make both of us want to hang out with each other. hasn't happened. And I don't know how to make it happen, but I don't want to force anything.

So I'm left wondering why it is that I find the vast majority of people uninteresting? If I've had a glass of wine, though, the lack of interest seems to be less of an issue, and it becomes more about being jovial and extroverted. That only goes so far.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#413690 - 10/19/12 06:05 PM Re: How do you make friends? [Re: Magellan]
Edward2 Offline


Registered: 09/30/12
Posts: 17
Loc: Maryland
One more comment.....

I presume that you have explored the possibility of a cochlear implant. Is that an option to assist in your hearing loss?

Ed

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#413691 - 10/19/12 06:06 PM Re: How do you make friends? [Re: Magellan]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
(((((Magellan))))))
I hope you find a way to find some clarity on this issue. I cant be of any help myself because I am in the same boat I almost give up immediatly and find a reason as to why I shouldnt even bother at all. Its as if though I prejudge and predict the ending of the friendship before it begins...
All the best to you

-Jay-
Lancer this may answer your question....



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPYrW1ILV7U&feature=youtube_gdata_player
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#413692 - 10/19/12 06:08 PM Re: How do you make friends? [Re: Edward2]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Thanks, I don't qualify for a cochlear, it wouldn't improve the hearing I already have.

The hearing aids are the only tech available to try and remedy it, and hearing aids still have serious limits.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#413693 - 10/19/12 06:23 PM Re: How do you make friends? [Re: Magellan]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
@Jay...that's...horrifying. Thanks...I think.

@Edward2...nailed it with #3.

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#413696 - 10/19/12 06:36 PM Re: How do you make friends? [Re: Edward2]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Ed, thanks for your suggestions. My sponsor is encouraging me to look at all the various social groups in my area and start sampling them. Maybe I'll come across some interesting people that way?

I'm really seirously bothered now by this. Why am I so disinterested in most people?

And the first self help book I read, at age 11 was "how to win friends and influence people". I got *really* good at ACTING interested in the other person as they talk about themselves. That wound up in developing a bad habit of being a great listener, but a terrible talker. I don't have much to share vocally when people ask about me. Matter of fact, I clam up and shut down and try to divert conversation away from me and keep the focus on the other person.



Originally Posted By: Edward2
Two suggestions..........

1) Join a club, volunteer or take a class or go somewhere where you can relate to somebody based on what may be a common interest: books, opera, Broadway shows, contemporary history, ancient history, whatever. I think that we find others who are also searching and have given up the traditional places to hang out when we find something that is outside ourselves. And if you volunteer, go to a place that doesn't ahve anything to do with CSA: animal shelter, working with kids from challenging backgrounds, childrens' hospital. walks for autism, whatever. Every large city has a volunteer bureau with lots of opportunities.

2) Develop new interests through books, movies, plays -- soemthing that will give you something new to talk about when you meet someone and which can be the basis for common interests. Books, etc. can be a benign way of connecting that can grow deeper over time.

3) When you initiate conversations, focus on the other person. That is always a helpful way of connecting. When the other person says, "I just came back from Europe" don't say, "I love Europe" since that takes the conversation back to you. Instead you can say, "That's great. Tell me about your trip."

4) Your writing makes it clear that you are not retarded or autistic [autism was noted in a previous posting].

5) If I lived in California I would want to be your friend. Unfortunately, I live in Maryland. But Maryland is slated to become the first state where the voters will succeed in voting FOR marriage equality in the next election. So I suppose I could say, fortunately, I live in Maryland.

Ed
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
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