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#413634 - 10/19/12 09:56 AM Circles
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
Yeah, I keep running in them. I am lonely. I have nobody to talk to or be with but for some reason when someone finds me (and they always find me) and they want to talk to me I push them away. I am silent or act shy and weak or I give them one-word answers to all their questions. I don't understand this. If I want friends and people here are abundant and more than willing to soialize with me then why can't I just be social with them? Why do I do this to myself?

I was invited to two places today. That's TWO places by TWO different people and I fucking turned them down because... I don't even know why right now. I guess I had better things to do like stare at my tv and eat. Yeah, I keep running in circles and I don't know how to change.

I live in another country now and I desperately want to go out into town and meet the locals and see this place. But one side of me brain says that I should go out with someone but the other side says I'll have much more fun all by myself. I always listen to the latter side, venturing off places by myself and then I go home and cry about having no friends.

What's wrong me me?
_________________________
Yet another 24 hours.

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#413645 - 10/19/12 12:12 PM Re: Circles [Re: Clockwise]
Blue1966 Offline


Registered: 10/08/12
Posts: 83
Loc: USA
You need to decide if having lots of friends, or your privacy is more valuable to you. If it's friends, then get out and do stuff, or figure out why you are not comfortable out there. If privacy, then chose one or two social places to go and make one or two good friends and be happy with seeing them once a week or so.

I choose my privacy and, while I have 4 close friends, I see none more than a couple of times a month and, call them weekly. That's enough for me. I'm content and I enjoy my alone time for hobbies, veging at the TV, etc...

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#413652 - 10/19/12 02:00 PM Re: Circles [Re: Clockwise]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
Thanks for posting this. It hurt me to read because it reveals a critical fracture in my psyche.

I want lots of friends. I want my life to be inundated with non stop people coming by and being engaged and alive and active in people's lives. I want it to be filled with family and friends.

Though behaviorally, I'm stuck in a mode of isolating and staying at home. I have severe hearing loss, and while hearing aids remedy a lot of it, they fail in social environments like cocktail parties and dinner parties.

I've struggled all my life with this, and because I can speak normally, I don't belong in the deaf community. Inquired about joining a deaf social group and they rejected my request. It's just as well, I can hear well enough that most people don't know I have a significant hearing loss until they have any sort of lengthy conversation with me.

Anyway, I digress. Your post reminds me of this internal split. I discovered in my early 20's that I'm actually an extrovert, and love to be engaged and energized by people around me. I feed off the excitement of other people's living and laughter, and relish in the comraderie.

Ugh. This was painful to write for some reason.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#413655 - 10/19/12 02:10 PM Re: Circles [Re: Magellan]
monkey Offline


Registered: 12/04/11
Posts: 53
Loc: IL
Originally Posted By: Magellan
Anyway, I digress. Your post reminds me of this internal split. I discovered in my early 20's that I'm actually an extrovert, and love to be engaged and energized by people around me. I feed off the excitement of other people's living and laughter, and relish in the comraderie.


That is me to a "T" of what you just state. Except I discovered those traits later on in life. Could be because most of my life I didn't engage myself and felt awkward socially and didn't know how to be a social butterfly. Me trying to be friends with anyone was hit and miss and didn't last long. Now that I am learning how to heal and get on my journey, I am finding new life and just enhancing it with what I had inside me and didn't know.
_________________________
Monkey(Mark)
The Flower Unfolding

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#413657 - 10/19/12 02:20 PM Re: Circles [Re: Clockwise]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
Thanks for your affirmation, Monkey. Brought the first smile to my face today.

I have to ask, I'm pestered by something else that is a part of this. Without alcohol as a social lubricant, I'm just not interested in participating in the banal conversation that most people do. I find most people uninteresting. I don't know if this emanates from constant judgment and fear, or if its because I generally am interested in things like science, technology, the future, spirituality, psychology. Heavy stuff. Pop culture conversations bore me, and I'm gay. The gay community social culture is mostly pop culture.

Anyway, I'm digressing again. I struggle with finding interest in people, though this is not true if I've had a glass of wine. Then people are entertaining to talk to, no matter what the conversation. I suppose because I loosen up and the extrovert in me comes out.

All of my life, the only people I chose to try to befriend were people I found physically attractive. Ever since I was a kid. I was judged so harshly for my glasses and hearing aids that I reacted by determining anyone who was unattractive was not worth my time. As a result, making friendships is almost impossible; I can't find the interest to sustain with people long enough for a friendship to develop. If I'm physically attracted to someone, then its a different story. But that's an unhealthy and very dysfunctional way to make friends.

Sorry to derail your thread. It's tossed something up in me. I'll start a new thread.

D
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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