I have the last 3 months Larned how to play a very special game of tag while trying to deal with my CSA. As we all know tag cannot be played with just 1 person, but I have learned a way to play with 2 as 1. Over the past 3 months I have been coping not really recovering from the affects of CSA and have found myself at times lost and not very self aware. I have at times noticed that I have the innate capability of emotionally drifting between 2 Frames of Mind. There is me Jess and then there is Jay.

Jay is the name that I was called at the time of the abuse, I often look back and think how weak this person was, how overtly emotional and physically detached he was. He harbors great pain, anger and self loathing. He blames himself for all things that have gone wrong and his life. He refuses to move on with his life refuses to forgive, refuses to let go of the pain and the anger. He often cries alone.

Jess, a man of formidable stature, a man that can emasculate the most masculine men when walking into a room. A man that does not take any s*** from anyone. A man that is articulate and educated. A man that has trained hundreds of soldiers and prepared them for war. A man that is respected by many.

These are the 2 people that play tag on a daily basis. when alone Jay takes over pulling me into a downward spiral, an emotional rollercoaster if you will. he will lay in bed for hours crying dealing with his excruciating depression. On his 1 hour long commute to work he will think of nothing but the past and dwell. During lunch he will sit and think and wonder why. Never looking forward or living in the moment or recognizing what he has before him, a wonderful family his wife his children his home. It's only the past that surfaces. then it comes time when he's expected to function either for work or in social environment......... He then reaches out his hand and............. TAG YOUR IT!

Jess arrives and prepares to do battle with whatever comes his way. Confident, emotionally available, strong. He does what is necessary to continue the charade. he maintains till all problems are resolved, until all things needing his attention have been satisfied. He then surrenders holding out his hand and.......TAG YOUR IT!!!!

I in no way feel that I have multiple personalities but at times it seems that I can snap in and out of my darkest of places to insure that life for myself and my family continues without interruption.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? is it just me? is this healthy? or am I just freakin weird?

-Jay-

To me it sounds almost like what I refer to as the face I wear for the outside world. That Mike never gets angry, is quick witted, quick to make a joke, and in general seems like a pretty happy guy. He's usually around when I am around other people, even though he feels like he doesn't totally "fit in" either. Then there is the dark Mike, he can sit for days in the blackest of depression and literally not have a single word come out of his mouth. He is quick to anger and incredibly slow to calm, he hates everything and everyone around him. He has no sympathy for anyone but himself and feels that life has just cheated him and no one understands that about him. He is the guy that would suggest firing someone with small children they are trying to take care of because they've been late for work a few times. He's callous and mean. Both are me and I have to accept that I believe to move on. I don't think you have multiple personalities (I am not expert mind you), but from what I understand people with multiple personality disorder don't even know about their other personalities. I used to be able to snap back and forth the way you do, until too many stresses just cracked that mask and made it unwearable anymore. Now I am just trying to rectify the two men into one whole healthy man.

That is a good description of how I deal with my daily life. You put it all into the right words I have been feeling. I think more of the two "personalities" as separate masks that I put on. My CSA mask is "Monkey"(because that was my nickname back then), and the mask that most see is "Mark"(my real name). Monkey is a skiddish energetic little tyke full of repressed and timid emotions gone wild and uncontrollable. Very emotional and scared of the outside world and just wants to play by himself where he is safe in his jungle and no one can hurt him. Mark is a very social creature and loves new adventures and always has a smile on his face. You could say that my masks look similar to the Comedy/Tragedy mask of theatre.
Sometimes I have allowed Mark to put on the Monkey mask for those that he trusts will not judge him. Namely my closest friends. In those times I am allowed to break down and show my true emotions and convey my feelings(basically unload my garbage on them) for them to understand the monkey in me. They join me in the trees of my jungle and play with me just for a little bit. Then it is time for them to go. Takes me a while after that to be comfortable to put the Mark mask back on, wipe away the tears and hurt, ready to face the world again.

WVguy and monkey


Thanks for sharing guys. I find comfort knowing im not the only one. it better helps me to understand myself and why it is I do the things I do. Also helps me identify what would be considerd the "Norm" as it pertains to CSA..

-Jay-

Jay,

What you're describing is a dissociative disorder, and it is common here at MS, as children who experience trauma (especially sexual trauma) have a way of using a child's plastic understanding of reality to create new personalities/identities to help cope.

You can do some research on DID -- dissociative identity disorder -- for more information on this. You are certainly not alone.

Cant

Can't

Thanks, I have read about DID, I guess I do identify with it. I think I have been avoiding the clinical diagnosis because it would solidify or attribute my behaviors to CSA, making the effects even more of a reality. I find myself scrutinizing my behavior more now than ever before trying to prove to myself that things are not linked to CSA. but in the grand scheme of things I feel I may just be trying to fool myself.

Thanks again guys

-Jay-

There is a whole dissociative spectrum not just full blown DID. It sounds likemaybe you dissociate but not to the full extent of DID. Try reading up about more general dissociation and DDNOS and see what you think.