I can relate. I dissociate at any church thing really bad.

That is right Sam, reveal all that you have on you soul, bring it to Him.
You don't have nothing to hide, it is not needed to cover it, no one will judge you.

I remembered so many moments when I've felt completely broken, I looked at God and cried:
- other boys were touching me and I liked it
- me and my bro did the same and I like it
- I searched for porn and watched every VHS available since I was kid
- I've had sexual fantasies many times and still have it
- I've had urges to masturbate on daily basis and still have it

I've been full of weaknesses and I didn't like it:
- I felt occasionally huge shame but that couldn't stop me
- I hated who I'm but that couldn't stop me
- I've been scared of my future but that couldn't stop me
- I prayed just in moments of despair
- I've felt like complete failure and did nothing to change it

I brought all that I've had on my soul to God and felt accepted with all my inadequacy.

He is encouraging me to accept myself in full,
He knows me and I'm not ashamed anymore,
He loves me no matter on all terrible things that I did.

I do ever since the same when I want to talk to God, I reveal my self in full and than I feel His love.

He can take all pain away, He can erase all bad memorise, He can give hope, He can give unconditional love.

He is waiting with opened arms no matter on circumstances.

I've been waiting for so long, I'll take those arms, I need it

Hang on Sam, I'm feeling blessed that I meet you as well as all other survivors present here.

Place of worship?

That is your or mine heart!

I don't see nothing scary there!

Pero

Scott, thank you for that wonderful share, I would wish I could jump into a father's arms, that would be so reassuring. I have your wonderful visualization, it does symbolize how I feel about my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

Puff, I get so confused at worship, it feels like I have a learning disability. I get anxious, even panic and interacting with the group, participating, even singing the words seem to move around, the thoughts disconnect. It just feels like the last two minutes of a test period and I still have not found a pencil, you know? Most of the time I am fine, but when it requires connecting thoughts, like singing, it's like a mini panic attack, that comes and goes. I am fine standing up, finding the song number, then pow! heart race jumps and my face turns red, fingers tingle, words dance on the page, the dreaded musical note change that I miss and sing alone for a moment, then I sit down, calm down and feel embarrassed. Then dissociate. It is difficult even to think about.

(((Phoenix))) Thank you. Some of the best encouragement I have ever received has been, "I feel ya, bro". Your words lighten my load.

Igor, you are so great, thank you. Confessing to God is a powerful release and it is so comforting to know He forgives. But He not only forgives, but He only remembers the good in us. If we looked at Porn the whole day previous and thought bad thoughts, but we smiled and said something kind to one of His followers, He only remembers that! What a wonderful God. "Nothing scary", I needed to hear that. Much love to you Igor.

Thank you fellow survivors, this feels so awesome, see you in worship Sunday? In a building, in a church, in a basement or in our hearts we can praise our Heavenly Father and He will shower upon us His Love.

Sasuva,

You're welcome. I went to a different kind of church entirely. Something where I'm half-serene. If I have problems there, I get up and leave. I figure God knows my problems since I tell him them. Had a lot of abuse in churches. Once he fixes the problem, then I won't have issues with it or very little issues with it. But, not so sure how long that will take. God is patient though. God wants the relationship with you. So, if I go and then leave and talk to him about it, that's what he wanted anyway.