(this is long, I hope you don't mind)

Last week I posted in Progress Forums about attending my first self defense class. I posted from the car. I felt really awesome after because of my interactions with people in the class as well as my new awareness of my body. In the week since I've been up and down and back up again.

Over the weekend after the class I started to feel really awkward about how much my own clumsiness got in the way of my classmates. I felt like I would be holding them back if I continued. I really wrestled with this, and felt awful - the feelings took my right back to school days and reminded me why I dropped out of such social activity. I hadn't been so conscious of being afraid in a long time - usually my fear is sort of under everything and here it was out in the open.

On Friday I received in the mail a copy my my father's death certificate. I had been trying to locate his burial/crematory site. My dad abused me and he suicided in 1977. The crematory is near my house, in an old section of LA. My partner and I drove over to take a look.

I had no idea how much I remembered of the day 35 years ago when my dad was interred. I remembered the stairs leading up to the rotunda and was able to picture neighbors trying to hug me, inside the pews were exactly the same - at the ceremony, my grandmother (his mom) hugged me, crying, and asked why I wasn't able to cry. In the moment of being there as a 52 year old man I realized that I totally did now know at the time why I wasn't crying, and why I wasn't sorry. I was just shut down.

I cried a lot there, my partner sat and held my hand - this felt really good. Despite my long time hatred for my dad, I know now that somehow I also loved him. Freaky.

Tuesday I was scheduled for two things: a second Krav Maga class, and my T appt. I got massively sick, went back to sleep in the morning and woke at noon, fevered and shouting out "Stop! No! Don't!" This happens when I sleep sometimes and when I am really sick.

I was shaking so bad I couldn't hold a glass. I thought I was having another break down. During the day I remembered my T advising me to face my fears, so instead of repeating "No" I began to say, "Yes. OK, you can't hurt me now. Come on." Whatever, I fell back to sleep and woke in the evening feeling better.

Yesterday (Wednesday) I woke up determined to attend my class. I did and I got lucky - the class was only two of us, both middle-aged, and I felt less awkward (although I really am quite clumsy lol).

Last night, in my sleep, I fought back at the monster in my dreams that has been haunting me all my life. I didn't exactly kick his ass, but I felt like I ruled. This was awesome!

My dad and an older brother (who I idolized) both were pretty abusive to me - my dad sexually and my brother through cruel teasing against which I was not able or allowed to fight back. (This same brother recently apologized to me for allowing/making me "take the hit" for him from our dad. Not only did he torture me, but he put me in harm's way with our predator father. Why did I feel sorry for him and worship him? I don't know.)

In one week I feel like I have faced both my demons, and they didn't break me.

Good lord guys, I feel so great - and a little tender and shaky, like a young plant or something. Success does happen.

Being here at MS is such a help, every day. Thank you all.

All I can say after reading that...."WOW!"
I'm shaking.

Thanks, Still. Me, too. A smile and a hug to you.

This is fantastic, I often come here looking for glimmers of hope but usually end up more triggerd than anything.

Thanks for being that glimmer today.
All the best to you and your continued healing.

-Jay-

Holy sh*t GT. Glad you didn't post this one in the PF so you could get some well-deserved feedback. Our stories are completely different, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a good, swift kick in the @ss for my psyche. Thanks for posting!

GT,

Here's hoping for a few more rounds of dreamtime Krav Maga ass-kicking.

Maybe when you're done with your monster you can come to my dreams and fight off the monsters that attack me in mine.

Thanks Cant.

This is all very new to me still. But yes - I would totally fight off your dream monsters.

In a way I think any victory one of us has is for all of us, don't you?

I'm glad to read this one. I'm feeling pretty damn raw and hurt right now. It feels nice to read of a success. Thank you.

GT - you are a hero!
this is SO encouraging!
can you come with me next time i have to fight off one of my bullies?
(actually - i will try to remember this story - so in a sense - you will be with me.)
well done!
Lee

Boy, I am so moved by these responses. Yes, Traveler, I agree that this sharing we do makes us more able in our own lives. I know that reading about the successes, as well as the struggles of my friends at MS totally gives me models.

Cant - you had that rough time when your perp died and you have to know you inspired me to search put news of my perp, my dad.

My Fingers are crossed for us all.